We make some of the changes - by our own choices and decisions. Often tho, changes are made for us - with no real consideration given to what we can handle, or what we do or don't want changed.
Sometimes I wonder if the changes will ever stop, or at least slow down enough that I can catch my breath and figure a few things out. And just about the time that I feel myself relaxing - bam! I get blindsided by another change. Sigh.
It has been a good outlet for my emotions.
A good way to stay in touch with family and with friends.
However, I find now that after all this time - I am being called upon to be more "correct" in what I write, in what I post.
That's not me.
That's not the freedom that I love.
That's not creativity and expression of all this life.
If only life was beautiful ... funny ... uplifting ... encouraging ... motivating.
But it's not!
Life is all those things.
But life is also shitty ... fucked up ... dark ... lonely ... scary as hell ...
Life is anger and sadness ...
Grief is a bottomless pit of despair that we find ourselves constantly clawing to keep our heads up above the darkness, loneliness, and depression.
So, with much thought and consideration for those who have been offended by some of my writings and posts on Facebook - I apologize. I will "try" to be more careful with what is posted and written there on the open Facebook. (if I write there at all anymore ...)
This is MY website.
If you don't want to be offended - it's probably best you don't come here.
Here I will write about the good things of life ... as well as the really shitty part of life. There will be words of love and hope and joy ... and there will be the "bad" words used as well.
Never before have I felt the need to use the "bad" words ... I have changed - because LIFE has changed me. There are times that only a "bad" word will do ... as in "Fuck Cancer!" ... or "Fuck Kidney Disease!" ... or "Fuck the grief monster!" ... But from this point forward I will do my best to keep these expressions here - on MY website that Rick bought and paid for. (And as I said in the last post, I know my husband - and he would be just fine with me using the "bad" words when they are due.)
I find myself in a different realm of life now. 13 months as Rick's widow. Lost.
Not knowing where to go, not knowing what to do.
-which I have written about here, on more than one post.
There are those that are saying I need to just "get over it" and "move on with my life".
There are those that say I have not grieved enough .... that I need to wrap the cloak of grief and mourning about me and just allow it to have its way with me.
And because I am not doing all that each one says - there are many who have decided to walk away from me.
And you know?
Really - that's ok.
I understand that not many can walk with me thru this. Simply because I am a walking and talking disaster of a mess! My mind and thoughts .... my heart and emotions .... decisions and choices that I make are not always based in the clear reality that others not going thru widowhood are in ....
If you choose to walk with me thru this journey of grief, aloneness, and learning to live - then you are welcome to walk beside me. I just will no longer tolerate the judgments, the criticisms, the efforts made to control me. I may very well screw up the rest of my life - but you know what? If I do -- I DO! it will be on me ... not on you.
I appreciate the love and care, the thoughts and prayers, the worry even. I do not take any of it lightly, not from one. I know that there are those who truly do care and love me.
I also know that I am a grown-ass woman. And I have to learn this life -- what works for ME.
Some days I will walk in joy and in victory over the grief monster ... and some days? Well, it will be HELL - but I will keep pressing on, even if on those days all I do is BREATHE. I will survive - the grief monster will NOT win!!!