I know without a doubt it has been because of God in my heart, in my mind, and in my life. God has been and will continue to be my reason to live this life. He is my Provider, my Strength, my Hope and my Deliverer.
I have cried a river of tears - and that river continues to run. I used to wonder where all the water came from when I would stand and watch a river rushing by, or a waterfall cascading down the rocks. Now I know - well, not really know, but I guess I understand a little. Never knew there was so much liquid inside of me! Never knew that eyes could cry so much and still see.
I have had many conversations - with family, with friends. I have been asked how I can be the way I am, pressing on, getting thru each day and each night - comments made that if it were them, they would lock the doors, turn out the lights, crawl into bed and just want to die. I take a deep breath - and hold in the "Really? You don't think I haven't thought about doing that?" ... and my answer is -- one simple question ... WILL THAT BRING HIM BACK TO ME???
NOTHING is going to bring him back to me. But I have the assurance in my faith that one day I will go to see him ... and I have the assurance in my faith that we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses - those who have gone on before us.
So, I breathe in and I breathe out ... and I go on. I think about what I would like to hear him say when we meet again - and that is this ... open his arms, take me to him, kiss me on the forehead and say - " You done good, girl". I want to look into his eyes and see the pride and the favor shining out on me.
Still second guessing pretty much everything I say or do ... and most of what I think and feel. What is right? What is wrong? And what is just understandable?
Others seem to have pulled away from me ... or have I pulled away from them?
Do I just give a vivid reminder to others that Rick is no longer here? I mean, if I am not there with someone, they can pretend that Rick and I are still together - just off doing our own thing. I wonder if that is how it really is?
Or is it just that the world really does not stop for my broken heart? Life goes on for everyone.
And who besides another widow or widower really knows what to say to a widow or widower? Because NOTHING makes the pain less ...
I wonder if I sound grumpy and grouchy - I know that I don't mean to be. But at the same time, I feel like with all the Hell I have been thru these 99 days alone, I have earned a little right to be grumpy and grouchy, to be numb, to wander.
I have gone thru Rick's things ... gone thru our life together ... I have given away, I have sold, and I have re-created some things. And now, what do I do with what is left???
We did not own the house we were living in at the time. It belongs to Rick's parents. Our daughter and her children are living here ... and I am staying with them part of the time, and staying with our son and his family part of the time. Will I continue to do this? Or will I get my own place? I don't know ... I really don't want to be anywhere right now ... it's too hard, takes my breath away. Memories flood my mind, and continue to leak out of my eyes.
My car was taken from me - I do not have the money to make the payments. I do not have the means to buy another vehicle, either. So, I am without a HOME of my own, and without a car of my own. I never realized how much freedom and independence was tied up in a vehicle! Wow. My children are taking me where I need to go. And they would probably take me more - but, I realize they have their own lives to live, and so I do not ask. I will not ask unless it is necessary. I wait ...
Right now, I do not have the money to live - only on the kindness of my children do I have a roof over my head and food to eat, and only at the graciousness of Rick's parents do I have my doctor visits covered and my medicines bought.
I have gone thru our pictures - and laughed, and cried. Remembering the LIFE we lived in those times. I will take some of the more precious ones and will create a scrapbook that no matter where I am - there it will be.
I also went thru 35 years of cards and notes and letters. Crying. Smiling. Loving him. And feeling very honored all over again to have been his wife, his friend, his lover. I have a pretty pink box now with his cards to me, and a few from me to him, in it. It sits here close to my computer. Just a look at the box makes me smile - to know the love of all those years that lie there.
And I cannot help but wish we had had more time together. I think God understands that.