Deep sigh ... well, to be brutally honest - don't ask if you don't want me to tell!
In every way, on every level - I am utterly exhausted! Weary and tired beyond all words that might describe the depth and intensity. Sigh.
I love my husband, my children and my grandchildren.
But I am so very tired and weary.
Tears are just below the surface at all times. And many times they spill over and run down my cheeks - mostly with no one to wipe them away, or to offer a word of support or encouragement, no shoulder of comfort and strength.
Rick has so much on his plate that sadly he is oblivious to me at times. (No offense to him, just the way it is right now. Sigh.)
My body is still healing from the surgery. Everyone I have talked to (save a couple) have told me that I should be completely back on my feet by now. No reason to keep "milking it". How that I should just take a deep breath and "get over it already".
Which brings a surge of hurt and frustration that I have to fight back and down - not easy to do in this weary state I find myself lately.
A few months ago, I had major cancer surgery. My bladder was completely cut loose and taken out of my body - then reattached. My small intestines were cut in two, a section removed, and put back together. A chemical wash was done just in case any cancer cells had escaped. And I had a complete and full hysterectomy. Hundreds of stitches inside - and I was told by my oncologist that it could take up to a year for all of them to heal. My bladder is still weak, still lazy, still bruised and sore.
Yes, my 14 inch incision on my belly has healed, and looks very good considering.
and yes, I am on the way to being healed ...
But goodness! Give me a break people!!!
And until you have gone thru not only the cancer surgery I have endured, but also dealt with all that I have endured with my husband since 2 weeks after my major surgery -- please, don't judge! Pray for me!!! Please - pray for me!!!
Paperwork screwed up at the hospital for their care program. Must refile everything. Just means longer before I can see a primary care doctor for other issues than cancer. Longer to endure the pain and swelling. Longer to breathe in and breathe out without answers.
My emotions are on a roller coaster from some evil and wicked playground. I find myself constantly in a battle to just shut up and pray. I have been accused of being angry all the time, never smiling, never laughing. Oh I know - those were words spoken in anger and from someone that really did not understand. But all the same, they were words that hurt!
I do struggle with anger and grief ... but I hear from other women who have been in my shoes that this is NORMAL. And that I must allow myself this time to deal with it all. I am just weary of fighting for that time. Kwim? Sigh.
I also fight the fears of "what if" ... what if the cancer returns? I know that I was given a 95% chance of survival, with only a 5% of the cancer returning. But there are those dark and lonely nights that the 5% screams at me in a way that no one seems to understand, or even care to listen to.
I laugh, I cry. I raise my voice too loud, and I stay too quiet. Just cannot seem to find that "perfect" balance that pleases everyone else. Sigh.
Rick is on his own roller coaster - due to pain and boredom. Due to wondering what is going to happen with the shoulder and the dialysis. Wondering about work and housing. Wondering if he will ever get better, or is this the downhill slide to the grave. He is battling anger and grief as well. Also NORMAL.
We are both struggling against the loneliness that comes with long term illness or even long term recovery. There comes a time when everyone goes back to their own lives, and only occasionally thinks of us. A time when the visits are fewer and farther between. A time when the phone rarely rings. A time when no cards come in the post office. A time when it is just the same day over and over again. (Remember the movie - "Groundhog Day" ... well, that's about us!!! Sigh.)
We are also struggling with an empty bank account, but mounting bills, a thirsty gas tank, and a hungry frig. God has promised to meet our needs according to His riches in glory thru Christ Jesus. There are days and times that it is all we can do to just repeat those words out loud and to one another. Breathing in and breathing out. Thanking God for all the times He has provided. Waiting thru the day - and finding that at the end of the day, God has provided again. Maybe just enough for that day - but at least enough for that day.
I know that God is God, and that He is good. All the time. In every way. And believe me - HE is my strength and my sanity!!!
Sometimes I wonder if even God is tired of the same old same old - day after night after week after month.
Thank God for His promises to never leave us nor forsake us - no matter the storm or fire or trial. No matter, God is with us. My hope and promise. My sanity and strength.
So, how am I? Here ...
and remember - if you don't want an answer, don't ask. Sigh.