But then, I catch myself listening for the cycler alarms, wondering if you need a pain pill or a drink of water. That is the caregiver in me - still wanting to take care of you, my sweetheart, my love.
11 days and a million memories ... many firsts already ... a thousand tears a day it seems. And yet, I find myself smiling and laughing - thinking about your jokes, your teasing, your passion and love for me.
The nights are the hardest. I miss you always - but I miss you so much at night. Just to know that you are only a touch away.
How many times did we reach across the bed just to touch, to reassure ourselves that the other one was near? How many bad dreams did I have that you would hold me afterward, calming all my fears, wiping away the tears?
I went to church last Wednesday night. Sat in "your" chair. Felt close to you. And I went to church yesterday morning as well. Sat beside "your" chair - just like I used to do. I could not bring myself to close my eyes tho - I felt you so strongly beside me, I was afraid that if I closed my eyes and then opened them that you would not be there. Oh how you loved church! Where else can I go and feel so close to you.
I thought about you when we were praising the Lord in song - how that you are face to face with Jesus, no more "I can only imagine".
I know that you are in a better place. But I am so lost and empty without you. My mind feels like it is in a thick fog - even while I talk and laugh and cry. You are always on my mind, always in my heart.
I just miss you so much!!!
Some say that it gets easier, that the tears won't burn so hot, that the pain will ease. It's hard to think that it true.
I love you sweetheart. I miss you honey.