“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others”
Love lets the other win.
Rick and I had this saying that we used to let the other one know that "you win" ...
We would say, "Yours is the blackest" ...
Then the one to whom it was said, would say (with a smirk of the lips, and a twinkle in the eyes) - "How did that taste?"
And the correct response?
"Like vinegar!" 😉
And of course, this was followed by the best hug and forehead kiss ever ;) !!! 💓
Sometimes we need to let the human side of who we are “win”.
Now as a Christian, that goes against everything we have been taught thru the years!
How many sermons, songs and lessons have you heard about “deny yourself”?
Yeah, me too!
So, when I heard that still small voice of God telling me to just let the human side of my emotions “win” - it was a radical thought, and at first, rejected.
But the more I thought about it, and prayed over it, the more I was accepting of this concept.
Reading this verse today confirms it within my soul.
Now to explain ;) - -
If done in the boundaries of prayer, while seeking HIM, it is not only allowed, but encouraged.
And it is not only healing, but freeing.
This morning in my prayer time, as I thought about being a widow, I wrote some difficult things to Rick. There were many hot, sticky and heavy tears that fell with every stroke of the letters:
God, here I am, Rick’s widow and my heart is hurting, feels like it is broken and fallen to the floor of my chest in a million pieces
It’s been 6 years, but time means nothing to me this morning.
I sure am missing You Rick.
Just as much, maybe even more, than I did that first year ... or the 5th ... as well as all those in between.
I am so acutely aware of all that I don’t have these days, because I don’t have You.
I was so much better with You than what I am alone.
Why did You have to die?
Why didn’t You take better care of yourself when You could have?
Why didn’t You face the truth of Your body changing, and just deal with it?
You might still have died, but at least then, there would have been that confidence that You really did do Your best, that You left it all on the field.
As it is,
I sit here with memories and thoughts
- frustrations, and anger at times
And a whole long list of questions.
I just miss You so much, Rick.
It physically hurts
It mentally hurts
It emotionally hurts
It financially hurts
There is no area of my life where it does not hurt without You.
Because there is no area of my life where You were not
Rick, this is not like some dreaded disease struck out of nowhere
Nor is it like an accident that happened
So much of Your health was in Your hands.
And You blew it.
You got out of this world, with all it’s problems, burdens and troubles
But You also left me here alone.
And You are missing seeing Your kids and grandkids grow up, live their lives
We were supposed to grow old together!
And You cheated me out of that.
It’s almost like You chose the sweet drinks and sweet foods, the over eating, the fried foods ... You chose food and drink over ME.
- You chose to have a momentary pleasure instead of living out Your life with me.
Was I so bad, Rick?
Was I so bad that it was worth it?
Was I so bad that food and drink was better?
What was wrong with me Rick?
What made life with me where You didn’t want it any more?
Rick, I’m sorry.
I’m praying to forgive you.
And I really already have.
But the living alone, Rick.
It’s so hard.
I am reminded day after day of the choices you made
Of how those choices changed my world.
I’m sorry for being angry.
I’m told that it helps to just admit it.
So far, not feeling much better
Because I’m still alone
I wish You could forgive me
- and we could do like we used to do, after our arguments ... just go on together.
But even if You do forgive me
I’m still here
Not Your wife.
It’s not fair.
God, forgive me
It’s just more than I can do
- on my own.
I need You God.
This was letting the human side of my emotions as a widow “win” for that time.
I willingly gave in to the the struggle with these thoughts and emotions.
I allowed the anger, the tears, the frustrations - all of it - to rage within me, within the boundaries, the sanctity and safety, of prayer.
In God’s Loving Presence.
It wasn’t easy.
Because for all this time (6 years now) of being a widow, I have fought against these thoughts, these emotions, these words.
- oh they raged within me at times, but I would push them down, beat them back.
And like a wound that has only scabbed over without healing the infection within ... it all festered.
Once I chose to let it all “win”, there was much peace, and healing.
It was much like handing over my broken toy after throwing the worst two-year-old temper tantrum.
How many times have we allowed our children, our grandchildren, to throw their fits of anger and tears, while we waited a time with patience and with love?
Then when they were spent, and could only snub those tears, we would take whatever was broken or wrong, and we either fixed it, or gave them something else.
We would hold them, wash their face. Maybe sing over them. Quiet them with our love.
Perhaps even talk things out, calmly.
Yeah ... we get that from God 😉
Lord, thank You for teaching me to let the 2 year old human side of me win ever so often.
And thank You for loving me when I do.
In Jesus' Name
Sure am glad that You are my Father 😊
Life goes on -
Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His.
Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me.
Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God
Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to.
Great grief is indicative of a great Love.
Rick, my Sweetheart.
Margaret, his Beloved.
Always & Forever.