Day 14

“Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all that days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.” 
Ecclesiastes 9:9

Love takes delight.

As I read this verse, it was actually a struggle to read, and even more to write it out. 
I was that wife who was loved. 
A wife who was not ready to be a widow instead. 

Then, I read the note in my Bible about the word “vain” - In Hebrew, it means “a vapor” or “a breath”. 
I think how blessed I was to be loved by Rick all the days of his breath. 
I had always wanted us to live to a ripe old age, loving one another, and dying together in peace.
But life didn’t do that. 
Yet, I know without doubt or question, that he loved me till his final breath. 
I also know without doubt or question that he knew I loved him, until his final breath.
I wonder sometimes now if he knows that I still love him. 
That I will always love him. 

But how does this apply to me now?
I am a widow. Not a wife. 
How do I “enjoy life with the wife you love”? 
My heart actually threw up its hands in that frustrating “UGH” moment! 

Sure am glad and thankful that God understands me so completely! 
And that He allows me to just be “ME”. 

These words feel like salt burning in a wound. 
That literal gut punch of being a widow comes around all over again. 

Do I love ME? 
Do I enjoy ME? 
That’s the question.
That’s what this study is about.
Learning to love ME as God loves me, so that I can love others like I love myself. 

So ... this would be about spending quality time with ME. 
And actually, literally, enjoying that time. 

As a widow who lives alone, I have a LOT of time alone. 
A lot of time with just ME. 
But I admit, it’s not all enjoyed. 
Lately it seems the loneliness and “oofies” have overwhelmed any amount of enjoyment. 
(Oofies: not being sick, but not being well ... not feeling depressed, but not feeling joy ... not feeling good, but not feeling bad ... just that “off center”, “off kilter”, nothing wrong but nothing right ... Oofie.)

Lord, You alone know how lonely I have been feeling lately. 
And how very lonesome, blue and oofie it makes me. 
I need to enjoy ME more.
I need to spend more quality time with ME. 
How do I make the time more about quality? 
How do I get out of this rut of survival and LIVE? Really LIVE? 
- thinking about the movie, Secondhand Lions
Please, teach me Your Way for me in this.
In Jesus’ Name I ask
Thank You God for understanding me so completely
I love You.