Day 17

​“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” Proverbs 17:9
Love promotes intimacy. 
We all have moments, sometimes chapters, of our lives that while our minds scream to shout these from the mountaintops - we need to just be Quiet. 
Some things are to be held in strict confidence. 
Moments that belong to us and God alone. 
This has been a difficult lesson for me to learn in these 6 years since becoming a widow. 
I honestly cannot sit here and write that there were any moments kept from Rick or from me. 
- probably were. 
But if so, there were not many! 
Because we shared everything. 
We were each others’ confidante, whether good, bad, ugly or indifferent. 
I remember a lot of nights that we did not sleep. 
We simply talked till the morning light. 
We shared everything under the cover of prayer. 
Knowing that we were safe with one another before God. 
In these 6 years as a widow, I have learned that I have a big mouth. 
Not with intent of heart to hurt.
I was spoiled by a good man. 
And in missing that intimacy, I have been oh so guilty of:
Saying the wrong things at the wrong times. 
Saying too much to the wrong person. 
Too trusting, too naïve for my own good. 
Rick sheltered me. 
No matter what he and I talked about, no matter how intimate or detailed we got ... 
    we loved, we cared. 
And we knew that it would go no farther than from our ears to our cries before God
. 
Sadly, most people are not like that. 
Most are only too glad to hear the “juicy tidbits” of life, but not so that they can come along side and help pray you thru ...
- no, it’s because most want only to run to someone else and say, “Guess what I just heard?!?” 
- and of course, embellish just enough to make it a bit more “juicy”. 
Yeah, hard lessons learned. 
I’ve spent countless hours arguing and wrestling with my own mind and heart - 
Praying until I was literally physically exhausted, 
And falling asleep with tears still running down my cheeks.
Waking up to more tears.
Wondering what I should say, who I should say it to, when to say it ...
- and then struggling when I have said too much, or at the wrong time, or to the wrong person. 
More often than not feeling that urge to be a mute person. 
- just not to talk at all. 
To anyone. 
At any time. 
About anything. 
It’s too much for my heart to deal with. 
Then, I remember when God made a donkey speak, 
And would not allow a man to curse His people.
My Hope, my Comfort - God is the same yesterday, today and forever. 
I find myself praying more and more that God would either open my mouth with the right words, at the right time, to the right people - 
- or He would put His Hand on my mouth and make me be quiet! 
He knows what lies within me
He knows what I should say, when, how and to whom. 
Please God - do this today! 
This verse brings me peace and quietness
With a renewed sense of being quiet, being still.
God has promised that He would give me the words to speak when I need them. 
So, until then ... just breathe. 
Lord, you know I have a big mouth. 
Please, do not let me cause harm or pain. 
Only to bring You the Glory.
Teach me to be this intimate with You, and with myself. 
When to keep things close to my heart, and even when to allow You to simply read my tears. 
In Jesus’ Name I ask
Thank You God
I love You