But the moments, or days, when no matter what I do, or say, or feel - something is wrong with it.
I honestly don't give a rat's ass what other people think of me.
However, my heart is tired, my spirit is weary, and my mind is simply fucking exhausted, with having to explain every thing I do or say or feel. Sigh.
I am a strong Southern woman. I, also, have thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, hopes, dreams, fears, worries, disappointments, hurts, all the "typical" and "normal" stuff that everyone else does, too. So, how does it come across that I am nothing more than a robot with none of these going on inside of me? That I am here for one purpose - to serve others with no thought to myself? That I don't need a damn hug, or a soft touch, or even a kind & encouraging word? That I am "rock solid" all the time, no matter what?
To have someone care enough to look me in the eyes and say, "I care about you. I love you. Are you ok? I know you aren't. We need to talk this out."
Dammit, Rick! You were that one. Why did you have to die? Why did you have to leave me here for this nightmare hell?
When others ask, "Are you ok?" They aren't really wanting A FUCKING ANSWER! Well, they are - "I'm great!"
Damn I miss a hug.
Soft kind words whispered with meaning.
Tender brush of lips in a forehead kiss - full of care and love, innocent & pure.
"Life goes on."
"It gets better with time."
"Focus on the blessings."
"Reach out to others, it will help you."
"Get a life."
And the platitudes go on.
Words that are hollow and self-serving to the one who says them.
Words that sound like a pacifier being stuck in the mouth of a baby.
I am NOT a baby.
But sometimes I cry.
I need to cry.
I want to cry.
Don't "What now?" me either!
That has ONE effect on me - -
makes my heart crawl back into the black hole of emptiness and loneliness.
Posting on Facebook is no longer an option for me.
The nasty comments and messages are just too much for my heart to take.
I will continue to post the meme's, the pictures, the videos ... you know, all the "standard" stuff.
But no longer "ME".
I will reserve those "ME moments" to here.
I dare anyone to say something negative about what I write here!
This is MY website that Rick bought for me.
His first - and final - request was that I be brutally honest here.
"IF you can help just one person face their today and tomorrow, then all we have gone thru, and all that you will go thru without me, will not be for nothing."
For me? This is my therapy place. This is how I manage to crawl thru the nights, how I can walk thru the days. This is ME. If someone doesn't like it? Then stay the hell off my website! Plain. Simple. Brutally honest.
Today? This life can KISS MY ASS!