I feel lost, alone, scared. I've never been here before.
I am not the only one grieving in this. And I am not the only grieving widow in the world today.
But I am "me" ... without Rick. And I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to be "me" without him.
I am learning ... although it is a lesson that I never wanted to learn.
Never do I want to dishonor God - not even in the midst of the grief, not on the worst days. God is my Anchor, my Strength, and my Hope.
Faith does not make this easy ... but it makes it possible.
I pray a lot ... I read my Bible. I am working my way thru a devotional journal, "Jesus Calling". I started the devotional journal on May 8, 2015 - changing the dates. The first verse in the book is Jeremiah 29:11 -- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Now, for me - that is a direct Word from my Heavenly Father. That as hard as this may be - He still has "got" me. He's in control of this journey. Not the grief, not anyone else, not all the darkness that surrounds me. HE is in control. And I am learning to trust Him. Major word there - learnING.
I miss Rick every moment of every day. I think about him constantly. In my mind and in my heart, I can see him laying in the bed asleep, or pretending to be asleep at times - sometimes waiting for me to walk close enough to check on him, and he would grab at me ... always making me scream! LOL. I can see him sitting in the recliner that I now call "bed". I sleep there thinking about being held by him, smelling his presence. I listen for his ringer on my phone ... wanting so badly to hear his voice just one more time. I long to fix him something to eat, to sit down and watch a western movie with him. I ache to hear his laughter, his teasing me - "Lucy, Lucy, Lucy".
He was not perfect. But he was mine ... and I was his! I was his beloved, and he was mine!
On Saturday we went into the RV. That was hard. Lots of tears. The hole in our hearts was ripped even wider. Looking at Rick's things. Smelling his pillows. Smelling the last clothes he wore there. Seeing his chair, his stuff. He loved living in an RV. We only had a little less than a year in that one, but still ... it is him. We took a few things out. We are going back after school is out, and we will all work together to pack the things and move me out of it. I will be selling the RV. Please pray that I will find favor in the market and it will sell quickly and for a good and fair price.
Mandy and Joshua took a drive alone over to PK lake - a much needed brother and sister time.
Then, on Sunday, Mandy and Dessie took the grandkids for a long walk, and gave Joshua and I a couple of hours alone. A much needed momma and son time.
We all laughed ... and we cried. We missed honey, daddy, and p-paw. We talked about our memories. We wondered about some of the things he said and he did.
It was a good weekend.
And it is a time to take care of more business details. Faxing the death certificate to the finance company for the Honda. Waiting on them to tell me what they will or won't do.
Picking up the title to the Dodge pickup. Transferring titles of the pickups to the kids for the grandsons.
Going thru stuff here at the old house ... so much stuff! God love my husband - he didn't throw anything away! "Might need that one of these days!!!" O Lord, help me! LOL
Revival going on at New Beginnings thru Wednesday, with Malcolm Ellis preaching and the Atens leading the praise and worship time.
Elijah has a sport's banquet this evening. We are going to rejoice in his accomplishments this year - as well as to give him a hard time! LOL
Friday night is the Recovery Group at New Beginnings. Rick and I went years ago - and now I go. Thank God I am Free - Free in Christ. Free INDEED!!!!! Thank God that Rick is free from his pain and suffering and misery. As much as I miss him, as much as I long for just one more day ... I love him too much to ask for him to come back to me if he had to be in the same pain and misery that he had been in, especially the last 3 years.
I love you Rick. I miss you more than these tears. I miss you more than these words can say. I love you honey. Oh for one more touch, one more kiss. My hope is not that you will come back to me ... but my Hope is that one day I will meet you there! I love you Sweetheart! You are now "waiting on a woman" ... and I love you all the more for waiting!