It is my heart. It is me. So here it is - -
I still believe ...
However, all that I have gone thru and endured these last few years has challenged what I believe.
For all that I prayed ... Rick still suffered, and he died.
For all that I loved him ... it couldn't save him.
Rick was the anchor of our home, our faith.
I stood under him, as his wife.
He was the head of our home.
I was the willing submissive wife.
(I loved my place. It was an honor to stay in it.)
However, now ... I am alone.
I am no longer sheltered, defended, protected.
I am alone.
To make choices and decisions.
To explain or defend those choices and decisions.
No one has my back.
I am alone.
I believe there is a God ... and I believe that I am not Him.
It isn't hard to believe - either He is, or He is not.
I don't have to see Him, nor hear Him, nor even feel Him.
I either simply believe He is ... or He is not.
How much of life do I believe and never see, nor hear, nor feel?
So, yes, I believe there is a God.
I do not understand why good things happen to bad people, nor why bad things happen to good people.
I do not understand why God doesn't just swoop in and rescue those who trust in Him.
About the only thing I know for sure?
We live in a fallen world.
A world full of sin and hatefulness.
A world that is filled with selfishness.
And we are all given the free will to make our choices and decisions.
What we often forget is that no one is an island.
No one lives unto themselves, no one dies unto themselves.
Every thought leads to an action.
And every action leads to an effect on someone else.
I do not think God has abandoned me in all of this grief and loneliness.
I don't agree with it all ... sure don't like it.
Have questioned why must it be like this?
Wondered what I have done to deserve such a nightmare as a life?
As anyone who has endured such a love and a loss, I do at times, very honestly from a broken heart, ask, "Why?"
But then I must answer ... "Why not?"
I was blessed beyond all measure to have loved and been loved for 34 years, 7 months, 17 days and 11 hours.
Who am I that I should have been that blessed?
Who am I that I should think I would not have to lose that, except for the memories?
I must be thankful for the time that Rick and I had together, we could have had no time.
I believe in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.
I believe there is a Heaven and there is a Hell.
I believe that Jesus Christ is the only way to Heaven - by accepting Him as Savior and Lord of our life.
I believe the Bible is the closest we have to God's own Holy Word.
It is an interpretation, but it is the best we have.
I am choosing day by day, moment by moment - to not serve the fears, the frustrations, the stresses and the disappointments that surround me, and that threaten to overwhelm me.
I know that I have a choice - To cast away the negativity of life, and to hold to the good and right things.
It is not an easy choice.
But for me? It is the only choice.
And it is a choice that must be made over and over again, a thousand times a day.
There is a sign I saw that says -- "When things go bad - don't go with them".
I'm trying - very hard, with every heartbeat.
My prayer has become simply - "God help me. God forgive me. God."
I am also choosing to not go around in the memories and guilt of my screw ups just to please those people that cannot, or will not, accept the changes of my life, as well as the love and forgiveness of God in my life.
Now I do not believe that just because there is Grace and Love and Forgiveness with God that I should have a free pass to say or do or live any way that I want.
But I do believe that I have more than a tight rope to walk on.
I am not going to wallow around in the pig pen of regrets over a past that I cannot change.
My life is not devastated by my mistakes, nor defined by the missteps that I take.
I believe that God's Grace, His Amazing Grace, is still greater than all my screw ups.
Now, I don't always live this faith out loud ... but I am trying very hard to live my faith real.
And that means that more often than what I like to admit - my humanity gets in the way of my Christianity.
And I get back up.
Do not follow me ... I may not lead.
Walk with me thru this journey called Life ... the ups, the downs, the times of smiles and the rivers of tears.