You ever have a time when you cry with bitter tears at what you no longer have? What you didn't want at the time, but now you long for it? What you didn't appreciate at the time, but now you do?
Momma always said that you won't miss the water till the well runs dry. Guess this is my life lesson in that truth. Sigh.
Back when lived in our little RV I spent time grouching about it. How small it was. How little space I had to store things, or to put things after buying them. How much I wanted a HOUSE.
And now? I have a HOUSE. But I am not there enough to call it a home. Besides, there is a long story to it all - and it isn't a fairy tale where we live happily ever after ... sigh. So, now, I find myself struggling with those bitter tears of sorrow and regret. Wishing that I had just kept my mouth shut, my heart right - and still lived in our little RV. Sigh.
And for several years, Rick worked in dairy sales. Selling the chemicals, some equipment, supplies, service - all those things that make a dairy run. He spent hours upon hours working. Sometimes as much as 18 hours a day for 7 days.
Again, I grouched and whined. I wanted a more "regular" job for him. A job so that we could spend more time together. A job that would pay the bills and offer some benefits. A job that Rick didn't have to work so hard with. A job that was actually more HIS - where I didn't have to do so much.
I was tired, grouchy, and stupid.
Now? Rick drives a milk transport truck. He doen't have to do that much physical labor. But the hours are HORRIBLE. There is no rhyme or reason. No schedule. Oh, we spend time together - sometimes I wonder if it is too much. But it is time spent in the cab of the truck, watching life thru the windshield. The paychecks pay the bills. And allow us to afford to live in the truck on the roads. Not much else. There is little to nothing for me to do - but sit down, shut up and hold on. Roads are just too rough ... sigh.
So, yes - bitter tears. Struggling to just accept that this is the life we have - at least for now. And praying every day that God will have mercy on us, open a door to something else!
Then, I wonder - and realize. Paul talked about learning to be content with what you have, with where you are.
What will the next "house" be like? Better or worse than what we have now? Will there be bitter tears there too over what I don't have now?
What about the next "job"? Better or worse? Bitter tears to follow these?
Lord, help me to be more content. More appreciative. More trusting of you in all of this.