Life has a way of turning on a dime. Sigh.
My time in Kentucky came to an abrupt end about 2 weeks ago. So here I am in Texas ... spending some much needed time with my kids and grandkids. Searching my heart and mind. Trying not to figure out just what the hell happened, but rather "going with the flow" because I can't change one damn thing about it all anyway. Sigh.
I feel like I am on this wild and wicked pendulum ride between "I don't care" & "My heart is breaking". No one to talk to about it all - which only increases the desire within me to talk about it!
3 1/2 years of living & working & helping in KY - then to be formally "dismissed" and leaving insisted on ... all within 4 days time. So, yes - I feel like this meme. Frustrated. Discouraged. Irritated. And a growing "I don't care anymore attitude".
I have become even more selective in who I allow my heart to love and care about. Don't get me wrong, I love everyone. But there is a deeper love, the more intense caring about someone, that "invested" type of love - sharing & caring with a pureness, without an agenda. That level is where I have recently learned the hard and heart breaking lesson of drawing the line and keeping some things to myself. And I'm not even thinking, much less talking, about a romantic type of love.
The decision that was made for me to leave KY was hard to my heart. I don't think it was hard for those who made the decision, but it sure was to my heart. I was already thinking about taking a break from KY - spending some time with kids and grandkids over the holidays. But with the intention and probability of going back. However, that was ripped away from me. And that is what hurts the most. Well, and the fact that I didn't get to see some of the people who I had come to know and love with all my heart before I was forced to drive away. :(
I have spent a lot of time these 2 weeks since wondering if this will turn out to be a "right decision" ... wondering what life has for me from this point forward.
And realizing that all I can do is ONE MOMENT AT A TIME right now. Just do what is in front of me - the "next thing".
This meme is EXACTLY what I am doing. Or at least trying my hardest to do. Spending time with ME. Asking ME those difficult questions, with even more difficult answers.
For 35 years, over half my life, I had Rick who would listen - just letting me vent and talk. I could rant and rave. Cry or laugh. Be mad and give a Texas stomp or two. He would sit there, listening patiently and quietly. Then I would always ask, "What do you think?" And he would give me his heart.
Decisions would be made. We would simply go with it from there. No regrets.
Now? Being alone in this is one of the hardest things since he died. No one to listen. No one to talk things out with ... Sigh.
So, I talk to the air, to myself, to the trees and the road. Yet, no answers.
For a few hours my heart was breaking. My spirit screamed "It's not fair!"
In the end, I have decided that MY social media is just that - MINE. If someone doesn't like what I post, then unfollow me - unfriend me ... or maybe, just maybe - - SCROLL ON BY! No one is required to read everything I post, nor to comment on it, and certainly not to message me a tirade about what they don't like about it all.
What I share on social media, as well as on this - MY website (where NO ONE, but NO ONE, can tell me what I can or can't share, by the way) - - is done with the hope that just one person will be encouraged to know that they are not alone ... be it a good day or a bad night. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Rick's very last request of me was that I continue being brutally honest - on all of social media, in this website. His words: "Honey, if just one person is helped, encouraged, enlightened - then all that we have been thru, and all that you will endure without me, will not be in vain. Stay strong and be brave!"
How can I do less?
It has never been the intent of my heart to piss someone off, nor to make them angry, certainly not to offend in any way - - not by what I live, nor by what I say, certainly not by what I post. But it happens. Maybe the words are hitting a little too close to home? Momma used to say, "The guilty dog always barks first" ? ? ?
I don't want to lose friends because of what I post ... but after many hours with this battle going on in my heart and mind, I have come to realize that a true friend will NEVER be lost. A true friend will stand by no matter what! So, if I lose a "friend"? Perhaps that is simply making room for a true friend to step closer to my heart and deeper into my life.