Perhaps it is time to find out.
I can begin today, where I am, with what I have ... and making do without. It will be more difficult, but then life has never given me the "easy way". I am tired ... but pushing forward. No one is going to swoop in and rescue me. I have learned that lesson, painful and hard.
This is the life I have been given to live.
I was blessed for almost 35 years with a lover, a best friend, a confidant, a trusted heart, with my husband. Now, I am alone.
Yes, I have friends. Many of who are too well acquainted with this journey we are on. They know the sweetness of love ... and the bitterness of death.
But to have that one in the middle of the night, when the past is too heavy, the future too dark, and the present? Well the present is too alone.
Will I ever have that again? At one point I had a hope ... that hope has now become a whisper ... and that whisper has become quieter over the last few weeks, ever so often I find myself leaning for that hope - - it's not there, or if it is, it is very good at hiding away.
The time has come to take a deep breath and realize that alone, alone in the night, alone with my thoughts, alone with dreams and hopes and fears and worries, alone to make my choices and decisions, alone to "have my back" - - well, that is my life now.
Sadly, I have learned a difficult lesson these last few weeks.
*Don't trust others with too much information. It will be used against you. Words taken apart and put back together in such a way that you are absolutely flabbergasted! Knowing full well I never said those words, I never even came close to saying those words :( . I didn't think them, didn't feel them, they were no where in the deepest & darkest places of my life. Then to sit back amidst the wreckage of what you thought was a friendship (or a family relationship) and wonder, "What the hell happened? How could it all have turned this way? What did I do so wrong? Do I deserve this? If I don't, then why in the hell do I have to deal with it? If I do deserve it, then what the hell did I do? So that I never go there again?" The tears fall. The questions won't quiet. The dreams turn to nightmares. Waking up at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat, face drenched with tears, barely breathing, mouth open and no words coming forth.
Yes, indeed - a difficult lesson to learn ... be quiet. Don't talk. Don't share. Listen to those around me. Let them talk & share - give them what no one gives you ... a confidence that what is shared stays with you, and will never be used against you. Just listen. Just breathe.
I do find a certain comfort and therapy, I suppose, in my writing here. At least when it is the written word, fully documented, it is a lot more difficult for anyone to misconstrue these words now or at any later date.
Of course, I have been criticized, judged, and yes, even condemned, for sharing here. "You are too honest." "I can't deal with the realness that you are putting out there." "You should not be sharing your private struggles and thoughts." "You make others uncomfortable."
My answer to each one? "Oh well. You are not required to read these words. Scroll on by. This is MY grief, MY journey, MY heart, MY thoughts, MY ME, MY LIFE." I am doing the best I know how to do, without a manual, and ALONE.
Yes, there are those that tell me how much these words mean to them. Thank you to those. Just to hear that my struggles and trials, my heartache, and my sharing of these - along with the good times, the laughter, the love - that it makes a difference to you, that it means something to you ... wow. I am humbled and honored each time. I am not self-seeking. I am not fishing for compliments. I don't need the validation in order to write. But I would not be me if I didn't admit how much it means to my heart when someone says, "Thank you for being so real, so honest." I can feel Rick smiling on me ... it's like a forehead kiss from him. Thank you.
So, going from here to figure this life out.
Wondering with every breath I take and every move I make - -
Is There Life Out There? For me?