Years of counting the hours before Rick gets home is a habit proving hard to break
after 5 1/2 yrs of him not coming home and after less than a month of me living alone My mind still thinks in terms of 5 p.m. being the “cut off” time to do anything That it is time to put things away for the day Begin supper Look forward with expectation to an evening of conversation yet for me, it’s not at this point in my life I have no “time” days follow the nights nights follow the days the only difference is whether I can see outside when I look out the window or not Until I get a job to work away from the house, there really is no time I wonder if there will be a job for me There are limitations to how much I can work - due to the widow benefits There are limitations from my body as to what I can do No longer am I able to kneel, or squat - a knee that is pretty much blown just doesn’t work that way No longer can I lift 50 pounds or more, and certainly not repeatedly - a shoulder and hand that doesn’t cooperate in those terms any longer rules over the desires I do not see well enough at night to do much driving after dark , blasted astigmatisms - in case of an emergency I can and will drive even after dark I haven’t been in the work force much in my life - being Rick’s wife, the mother of his children, the keeper of his home ... that was my career and I loved every minute of it! - working with him thru the years in his jobs, doing all I could to support and encourage him, even to going with him helping him - worked for a short time (without pay) as the ‘unofficial’ office manager in KY - worked for the Census, really sad that that job is only every 10 years! Oh I know what I can do What I would bring to the table of a job I know my value and my worth But in the eyes of employment I am not a “hire-able” candidate Not one who is highly sought after 59 years old, and only able to work part-time And with limitations I understand that few companies (if any) will want to invest time and money into training me - - because they look at the bottom dollar: what will be the return on their investment - if they hire and train someone who is under 30 years old, no matter their limitations, or experience - they have the potential of getting 30 years of work from them as a return - if they hire and train me, well ... they know at the best they are looking at maybe 10-15 years return. I have started the search for something to do from the apartment - online perhaps - the scams over-run everything! - I know there are legit work at home jobs, especially with Covid-19 this year. But trying to wade thru the searches and find one is proving a headache of monstrous proportions! - I’m to giving up though! Too stubborn for that! But until something comes along that requires a clock There just is no time for me It’s weird actually. Very weird. I sit here and wonder how long it will take to re-wire my brain with these thoughts and realizations Rick, I always tried to appreciate the time you gave me in the evenings - - our conversations before supper - our conversations after, while we cleaned up the kitchen, or sat in the porch swing, or perhaps while we walked - the times we discussed TV shows we were watching - or had a lively talk over a movie we just saw - but never have I appreciated all those times with you as much as I do now - and just so you know ... I miss you
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Nights are tuff when I can’t sleep much
When I lay there, can’t get comfortable enough to go to sleep But not uncomfortable enough to get up When the thoughts won’t stop no matter how much I say, “Enough!” And when the tears fall unbidden, making my pillow soaked I am beginning to think that the years of sadness, The last few weeks of sickness Combined with all the changes of the last 10 years of my life Have finally caught up to my mind and emotions And depression looms, fighting for a hold on me This battle started on this past Saturday, And it has felt like I was in a tailspin ever since then, With no way to control it No way to stop it Overwhelmed last evening with loneliness and feelings of isolation A realization that I have no one to talk to who will listen without judgment or criticism Which only serves to make me more vulnerable and weaker I feel like I am on super-overload right about now In every area of my life Just more than I can physically, or mentally, handle I’ve never felt such a shut down of my heart, my mind, and even my body, as I have felt the last 3 days I know that my ONLY Hope in all of this is for God to have absolute control - As Psalm 131 says, “It is too much for me!” For all of my adult life I had 3 g0-to’s: My Momma ... she is gone now My Rick ... he is gone, too And my sister, Bettie Sue ... who is also gone I think perhaps it is not right or wrong, maybe just “normal” to be so very sad in missing them all at once Selfishly I suppose, I miss having a go-to person that I know I could call up at any time day or night - Or several times a day Someone to enjoy a cup of coffee with, even just over the phone Conversation about anything ... everything ... and nothing at all Just a presence in my day A moment in time that seems to stand still and lets me catch my breath I realized this morning that in all those years of traveling around with Rick, In all the moves we made, No matter what - He was my roots He was also my wings He gave me stability to know where I belonged And he gave me freedom & support to do whatever I wanted to Now, it is like I have neither roots nor wings How do I get those again? This time different, because they aren’t to be with him How do I put down roots? Where do I put down roots? How do I find my wings? I read this meme sometime over the weekend, It was one of those that you FEEL: “Rebirth See this dark time as cocoon time, darling Your new wings are emerging Every butterfly is made by this fight Even surviving and holding on And finding a reason to meet the dawn Your continued breathing is a holy part of this fight The dark will turn to dawn eventually - It has no other choice. ~ SC Lourie ~ God, I want so much to believe these words, That this darkness, this isolation, this aloneness Is simply my cocoon time May I hold to these words and hope? God, I ask You for creativity, For wisdom For direction And for clarity To make this life for me One moment at a time One step at a time God, I really need You in this Take my hand, and teach me Your ways Do not leave me alone, without You Humbly I ask, I plead In Jesus’ Name Thank you for understanding these words As well as all I cannot yet say Bless Your Holy Name! Jehovah Uzzi - The Lord my Strength Life has changed on me so many times since I was born in 1961.
I grew up under daddy and momma - long story in that, to be told another time. When I was 10 I fell in love with a boy, and decided I wanted to be his wife, and the momma to his kids. 9 years later, he agreed to that. We were married just shy of 35 years. Not a perfect life, but perfect enough for me. I was loved with a passion, and cherished every day. The only comparison was the passion that I loved him with, and the deepness of my cherishing him. We absolutely spoiled each other rotten! And of course, as we lived and loved, our lives changed often. From having kids, to moving, to job changes and church changes. Family and friends were born, and they died Or perhaps just moved on and away from us But always we had the unique ability to hold to one another in those changes, and rather than the stresses of change driving a wedge between us, those stresses only served to draw us closer to each other. Then, our bodies decided to turn against us High blood pressure and diabetes for Rick Cancer for me Then kidney disease with Rick Every thing that came against us, we met head on, together We adapted to the different diets and routines We took the medications and did the whole doctor "thang" My life was spared Rick's was not Many questions remain in my heart over all that, and believe me, one of these days? - I am going to ask for an answer! But until that time comes, I find myself in the midst of a life alone Not sure of where I am supposed to be Nor what I am supposed to be doing Every day seems to bring more questions, and fewer answers I love words, always have Not just to read them, nor to write them But to dig deep into the meaning of them I was reading about grief a while back, and the life after loss 2 Words were used in describing what life is like now "Repurposed" and "Reimagined" So, I dug And this is what I found: "Repurposed" means: - adapt for a different purpose - to have a new purpose - typically done with items considered to be junk, garbage, or obsolete - the use of a tool being re-channeled into being another tool Then carrying the digging just a little deeper: "Purpose" means: - intention - determination - resolution - ambition - aim, idea, dream - goal, aspire, design - the reason for which something exists (interesting, huh?) "Reimagined" means: - to rethink - to reinterpret - to recreate - to imagine again - to form a new concept of - to think again and change - to remake an earlier version which approaches from a fresh or new viewpoint And to take it that one step deeper - "Imagine" means: - to believe - to conceive - to comprehend thru the intellect something not perceived thru the senses And the last one: "Re-" means: - this is Latin for "again and again and again" When considering life after loss and reading these dug definitions for these words - All I could say was "WOW! WOW! WOW!" The life I lived before Rick is never coming back to me and I cannot go to it again, either. Nor is the life that I lived with Rick coming back and even when it is my time to go to him? It will not be the same as it was. So, what I am faced with is a repurposed and reimagined life Changes the perception of my reality I've made so many mistakes these 5 years since Rick has been gone Easy to do when there has been no manual for navigating these waters It's hard sometimes to look back on these 5 years and see so clearly now what I should have done, and what I should not have done But I'm learning to forgive myself every day - how can I not? - I am not greater than God, and He has forgiven me. I hope to make less mistakes as I go thru the rest of this life I think that's why I find myself praying so much these days God knows what's ahead of me, He's already been there So, Lord, take my hand and lead me on! I'm choosing to look at this as an adventure now - - one that will end with Rick opening his arms to me, taking me to himself and saying those words I long to hear: "You done good, girl!" I sat here in the quiet apartment last evening, and wrote these words: "Trying to work things out in my head about living alone ... It's all so weird, God So very weird Not sure I'm doing it right But not sure I'm doing it wrong, either. I miss people Seeing someone else Talking to someone else Being in someone's way Someone being in my way I miss laughter Even arguments I miss the bad days almost as much as the good ones I miss wondering what someone else wants to watch - - and not liking their choice, lol I miss hearing someone chew their food - - and it annoying me I miss being an annoyance to someone else, too I hear the noises of my neighbor, and I hear his times of silence as well. I wonder if I am listening to my movie too loudly but then, I think maybe if I am, he would knock on the door and ask me to turn it down - - at least it would be a moment of people interaction, right? I enjoy moments of being alone but I am a people person This living alone is a different time of my life And I realize that having been so very sick since moving in here hasn't helped one bit Isolation is a terrible thing It messes with your mental state and causes all kinds of emotional distress It physically hurts not to have people interaction Touch deprivation is a real thing I think this is the worst of Covid-19. I believe there is coming a better day - one where I feel like getting outside To sit on the porch To take a walk along this back road Hopefully there will be a time of meeting people but at least being out in nature once again I know that this has taught me a valuable lesson - how important a phone conversation can be! God, help me find YOUR way for me in this living alone and help me continue to heal and recover from being sick." With the Census 2020 being over and done now, I am starting the arduous task of looking for work. I really enjoyed the Census work. Driving the back roads and searching those addresses out. Meeting the interesting people along the way. Being right there to catch the perfect shot of the day on my camera. I will miss all of those moments greatly. And yes, I would do it all over again! Having been out of the work force for so long, and at 59 years old - there is not a great demand for my particular set of skills. A company weighs their amount of time and training into someone with how much time and work they will get on a return. I get that. I understand the thoughts. I also know my value and my worth. I would like to work 3 days a week, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Make enough money to pay my rent here, cover my fuel cost back and forth to work, and possibly pay for having high-speed Internet here at the apartment. I know that I need to get "more well" and "stronger" before going to work, but I think now is the time to look for work, to make applications. I have thought about working from here. The saddest part to those thoughts? The scams that are so prevalent and play on the people who live alone, or are needing to work from home. So, let the challenge begin again! I have watched more movies in these last 2 weeks than I have in the 5 years since Rick has been gone. Those last 4 months of his life, we watched movies a LOT because he really did not feel like doing anything else. Movies that we had seen a dozen times are more, but we enjoyed them just the same. These last 2 weeks have brought a lot of those memories back to my heart. I have caught myself smiling with the memory of a certain line from a movie that Rick loved and would say many times after watching it. "Spit it out!" (from the movie Crossfire Trail) And I have found myself dozing off in relative peace and comfort with a movie playing. With that old familiar feeling of being safe and protected. Then waking half expecting to see Rick's smiling eyes upon me. Taking a deep breath when all I can find is his picture. Making a list of movies now that I would like to see, will be checking with the kids to see if they have any of them. I do not have TV service, and do not expect to have it. That is an expense that I simply cannot afford at this time. I would prefer to have high-speed Internet here than to have TV service. This has become my morning prayer:
God, this day is Yours It is the day You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! It yawns and stretches before me - A day yet untouched Moment by moment to be lived, to be felt, to be experienced Secrets that lie around the bends of the day Treasures waiting to be discovered God, breathe on me - Your life Open my heart that I may know Open my ears that I may hear And open my eyes that I may see God, I don't want to miss a thing! Thank you for loving me I want to spend my time today loving You back! In Jesus' Name Blessed be Your Name O God! Migdal Oz: Strong Tower, my Stronghold In the weeks since writing last, I have moved into my very first place. I grew up in Daddy and Momma's home, then married Rick. Rick and I had our first place ... and so many others that I have lost count thru the years. He was a self-proclaimed "gypsy" and did not want moss to grow under his feet. But I have never lived alone. I've been looking and praying and thinking for over 5 years about a place for me. Ever since Rick died, and I lost the house (along with 99% of our stuff) I have stayed with kids and family and friends. Looking around on Facebook Marketplace one day in September, I found this cute little apartment at Possum Kingdom Lake. Contacted the lady who had listed it, and she said that her very good tenant was having to move due to a job change of location. She made an appointment with me to come look at it the next day. I did, and fell in love. I know Rick would have loved it, too! So, I paid my deposit and waited while the tenant was moving. Then, with my granddaughter's help, we cleaned this place, and moved my things here. It came furnished with a futon, a table & 4 chairs, frig, stove, microwave, a night table, and a chest. I was blessed with a wardrobe, also found on Facebook - which started out more than I could afford, but I watched it carefully for several days and she came down on the price. When Kyla and I drove to Mineral Wells to pick it up, the lady gave it to me. I was blessed to find a couple of tables to use as a desk and a coffee bar. Covered each with an old quilt and they look like they "fit" here. I haven't felt like putting my wall things up yet, but hopefully that will be happening soon. I have some really good pictures to enjoy seeing up. My plants are thriving and growing, thinking they must like their new home, too. There are 2 things I would like to have - 1. a recliner. I am thankful to have a bed to stretch out in, but I also miss having a recliner for when my back can't find that comfort anywhere else. 2. a small table with a couple of chairs to put on the porch. What a blessed place to have a cup of coffee while reading my Bible. I read an article a while back about how a salmon swimming upstream fights against the channel and becomes exhausted. Rather than give up and be swept out to sea, the salmon will find a rock larger than it. Fans the sands behind the rock, making a type of nesting place, and then becomes still and quiet. Resting and gaining strength for another leg of its journey upstream. Often the salmon will do this multiple times before reaching the destination. Little by little this "apartment" is becoming our "Rock of Rest". Working with the Census 2020 kept me hopping the month of September. Long drives on back country roads, searching out addresses, meeting people, asking questions. 99% of the people I met were very accommodating and patient - even if they were frustrated with having been asked the same questions multiple times. Driving those back country roads gave me some of the most wonderful photo opportunities! And the resolve that just because the Census comes to an end, doesn't mean that the back roads do! Take the back roads! Stop and catch that sunrise, take the sunset! Look closely at what lies around us - there are secrets to the day just waiting to be discovered!!! September also brought my grandson's basic training with the Marine's to a close with his graduation. Due to all the Covid-19 restrictions, we were not able to attend his graduation, but we watched via the Internet. I am so very proud of him. And yes, I worry about him - but I also know that he is in God's hands, just as all the kids and grandkids are. Every morning I pray Psalm 91 over each one. Trusting that God is greater than anything in this life. I believe that God will have HIS way, HIS will, and in HIS time. I also believe that no matter what happens? God is still God, and He is still good. I do not understand all of life, I have far too many questions to think I have all the answers. But I know God knows. And I trust Him. After all the precautions taken this year - the gallons of germ-x, the soap and water washing to the point of painful, the masks that hinder breathing and conversations as well as making us to feel almost like a non-person, the not going places, events cancelled, self-quarantining, and the list goes on ... I got Covid-19.
Today is day 10 since the onset of symptoms, and day 4 without fever or fever reducing medication. So according to the CDC and my doctor - I am now considered "safe" to be around again. I will say that this has been the worst I have ever been sick in my 59 years of life. I have had the flu maybe 3-5 times in my life, my fair share of colds and tummy bugs, allergies out the waa-zoo and all the typical childhood illnesses - both as a child, and often again when my children brought it home from school. I endured having cancer and major cancer surgery. I've broken bones. I've had surgeries. NOTHING prepared me for having Covid-19. The body aches - clothes were not comfortable, there was no sweet spot to find sitting, standing, or laying. Every joint aching, the skin so sensitive to touch that I couldn't stand to even brush my hair, or touch my own face. The shower feeling like needles being hammered into your body. The headache - imagine the worst headache ever, multiply it however many times your imagination says ... you aren't close! - nothing could touch the headache. Eyes hurting so bad from the pain that you can't read, can't stand to watch TV or look at the phone. Even closing the eyes did not bring relief from the pain. So hours sitting and letting the tears flow freely. The fever that would come up in the evening and rage all night long, tormenting whatever sleep there might be, breaking with a 10 gallons of sweat sometime in the morning ... only to repeat every evening for a week. Leaving you feeling dehydrated. Nausea so severe that it was physically painful. My tummy became sore to the touch because of the nausea. I never did throw-up, just had the excruciating nausea. Sprite was the only thing I could tolerate on my tummy for days - and then, only a sip now or then. Diarrhea that makes a tummy bug seem like child's play. Cramping to the point you can't stand up straight, you can't walk, you can't sit or lay. Burning guts like you have swallowed lumps of fire. You rock back and forth wondering if you will survive this onslaught. Loss of appetite - due to the nausea mainly. Stuffy nose and the worst drainage into the back of the throat - a thick white cottony mess. Thankfully, I did not have the breathing problems that others have endured. My doctor did call something in for me just in case - but warned me not to take it unless absolutely necessary. I was told yesterday (Day 9) - "Well, guess you believe it's real now!" And all but told that basically I deserved this because I didn't believe from day one. Really? NO ONE deserves this!!! And I have NEVER ONCE said that Covid-19 was not real. What I said, just for the record, was that the media was feeding the frenzy of fear - and I refused to be sucked into it. I would do, and did do, will also continue to do, my part in helping to not spread the fear nor the disease. I do not enjoy wearing the masks. I do not believe they work as well as what some have said (especially now do I not believe). But wear them I will when appropriate, when required. I will continue to wash my hands with soap and water, as well as use germ-x. Which just for the record, I've done for years. I will even continue to practice a form of social distancing. Something else we have done during times of flu outbreaks. If sick, stay home. It's not easy, but really, it's not hard either. Be smart! Use common sense! However, I will not live in fear of this illness, or any other. I'm tired of being held hostage to the media and to the fear mongers. I'm tired of being told I can't go somewhere that is good for the body, mind and soul ... while other events and locations that are toxic remain open and thriving. I am better today on day 10 ... not good. I realize that it will take a while yet (no one knows for sure how long) to feel "normal" again. The brain fog is reminding me of the widow fog I survived after Rick died. I got thru that, I will conquer this, too. I tire very easily, to the point of exhaustion. And if I ever sit down and find a sweet spot of comfort, I am ASLEEP for several hours. But that's ok - Momma always said the body and mind are healing when sleeping. I am going to survive Covid-19 if only to spite the media! I look at the date of my last post, June 5, 2020, and it's mind-blowing to me that that much time has past. Today is August 28, 2020. Where has this summer gone? I will try to make this post not so much a "book" of the summer. LOL But there have been some changes and things taking place. So, yeah, this will be my catch-up post. June 7, 2020, my oldest grandson, Elijah, went to Dallas then on to San Diego CA for quarantine under the Marine Corps. He is one of the newest recruits. After 2 weeks of quarantine where we could still talk with him once a day, hear his voice and know that all was well - he has been in Basic Training for the last 9 weeks or so. His momma and sister have gotten a few letters from him, he is adjusting to this new life he has chosen. He said it is hard and challenging, but he feels good about his decision. Grannee is both proud of him for his service to our country, and scared to death! I have been trusting God all of his life, so I will continue - but he sure knows how to put me on my face and knees before God! ;) I love that boy!!! His graduation is set for September 18, 2020. Due to Covid-19 we will not be able to attend. The question remains whether or not he will be able to come home for leave before going to his next station. We hope so! It won't be for a long visit, but oh how sweet the hugs will be ... IF! June 10, 2020, I was called by the 2020 Census for my phone interview. Not long after that I received my instructions for getting my fingerprints done and the background check run. When all of that cleared, I had 4 days of training - one day was in class, the rest was online due to Covid-19. I have been an enumerator now for about 3 or 4 weeks. It has been interesting! I have met some really cool people. So far, everyone that I have had the privilege of interviewing has been cooperative, kind, patient and understanding. We have had some laughs, and connected on varying and unique levels. I have seen places in this part of Texas that I never even knew existed - and some? I don't think anyone knows they exist! lol Miles upon miles of open land, or ranches. I am thankful for this opportunity to serve our country, meet the people, and do my part. I look forward to the remainder of this time with the Census, sad that it is all to end on or before September 30, 2020. A lot of this time driving between cases has made me think much of Rick. How he loved to take off and drive the back roads. HE would have been the perfect enumerator! It has also been like a treasure hunt, not only to find the correct address and someone to talk to - but to find interesting things to take pictures of! My next grandson took his driving test, and passed. So another legal driver on the roads! My oldest granddaughter also took her test and passed! And my youngest granddaughter has her permit, and should have her license before the end of the year! Grannee prays more and more every day! ;) They are all growing up so fast! Elijah in Basic Training with the Marines, Brooke is a Senior this year, Shell is working with livestock commissions and cattle ranches, as well as helping his momma in a horse business, Kyla is a freshman this year. It is a joy to my heart to see the progress they are making in life. Growing up with traditional values of what it means to be an American, a Texan, and a human being. Something that is lacking too much in our world today. The Lord has blessed me with a truck!!! Thru some trading between Joshua, Shell and a friend, Travis - I now have The Black Pearl. And yes, she is white! lol A 2006 Ford F150 with an FX4 package on it. I named her "The Black Pearl" thinking of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Me being me, I wanted to know more details about that ship, and if there ever had been one in real life. During my searching, I found that a true black pearl is very rare, but it symbolizes "HOPE for a wounded heart"!!! So, yeah, God was in this! Perfect truck, perfect name. She has been taken excellent care of, drives and rides very well, and has been perfect for going between the kids and grandkids. Besides - she is a TRUCK!!! ;) And since Rick was a true blue Ford guy? He would be pleased ;) On the trip to Sulphur Springs in June, Mandy and I went to garage sales. It had been years since we have done that! So much fun with her. And we found some good deals, to boot! We also were blessed with a Sunday afternoon drive to Kaufman, and got to see Michael. My other son. It had been about 25 years since we had seen him. Oh the laughter, the hugs, the tears, the talking all at once! His precious baby, Moo-moo, my newest granddaughter. Oh what a wonderful day that was!!! We have promised one another that it will never be too long between visits again! It just cannot be!!! I was also blessed at supper with 3 other SSHS girls. One of which I had not seen in 40 years!!! Oh what a wonderful supper that was!!! Took a day trip with Mandy to Tyler for a biopsy on her thyroid. All clear - thank the Lord above!!! On the way back to her house, we stopped at a nursery and I spent too much money! lol But oh what a great time we had there! When I left Sulphur Springs after that trip, Brooke came to Joshua's with me for the rest of that week. Mandy came out over the weekend, with MeMe, to pick her up. It was a good week and weekend! MeMe and I had some good conversations while the kids and grandkids were outside, and then off to the lake. July brought some changes online for me. 4 years ago I was asked to help create, work on, and maintain 3 websites for businesses in Kentucky. One of which I transferred over to new owners while still in Kentucky. The other 2 I have been working on less and less, as the owner has hired someone to take it from here. While these websites were my babies, I have known for several months now that it is time to cut those apron strings and let them go. Still bittersweet. I am mostly out of them now, still have one more step to remove myself completely - and that day is coming. At this point, I believe it will come with a great relief. It is time for me to move forward from that period of my life, and this will help me do just that. July 20, 2020, Kyla and I took a day trip to Abilene. The Storybook Capital of the World. We had 3 iced coffee's LOL - lunch that was in an old bakery, the old wooden creaky floors and all. Then we had supper at Olive Garden. We toured the statues around Abilene, went to the pet store, stopped at the mall (twice!), shopped for school clothes, and had a gajillion laughs!!! The month ended with me going back to Sulphur Springs and seeing my new doctor. Dr. Coker. She was amazing! She actually listened to me! Labs all came back good, except for slightly elevated cholesterol and triglycerides - but not elevated enough to warrant medication. She wants me to work on it with diet and exercise. Which I have been doing. I have stumbled a few times since July 29, but hopefully I have stayed upright more! I also had an MRI done on my left knee. I remember hearing the "pop" - it was in September of last year, when I was in Kentucky. One morning I went out to get in the Expedition, and just as I stepped up into the truck, as my left leg was pushing off the ground to lift me up into the truck - I heard what sounded like a gun shot. It hurt so badly that I thought maybe I had been shot, I immediately put my hand behind my knee, pulled it away looking for blood. There was none. But ever since then, that knee has not been right. I talked to Dr. Coker about it, and she ordered an MRI. Radiologist said there is a small tear in the knee, severe osteoarthritis (bone on bone) and a "rare fluid inside the ACL". Waiting to see the orthopedic specialist to see what he says and recommends. I have been babying that knee for almost a year now. But at the same time, I haven't stopped walking, or working. Hoping there is no surgery required. While in Sulphur Springs, Mandy and I made the drive up to the Cotton Patch restaurant in Greenville one day to have lunch with 2 of my cousins. The stories were flowing, and it got mighty deep in there! lol We laughed, and it was hard for me to leave - it's been tough during Covid-19 to not see everyone. The next day Mandy, Brooke and I went back road driving for several hours. How sweet and precious was that time, and the memories I hold close to my heart. Before leaving Mandy this last time in July, we went to Canton TX - to the World Famous Canton Trade Days. That was a blast of a day, even if it was hotter than blazes! lol I have become an "official" Texan yet again! Got my Texas driver's license. I don't think it has ever looked so good, or felt so right in my hands. I am proud and thankful to be a Texan - no matter where my license is, but oh how sweet it is now!
God has become more real and personal to me in these last almost 3 months now than I ever thought was possible. I will be sharing more of my experiences in the days to come. I hope you will read those as well. Learning and seeing a lot of new things and changes in my heart, my mind, my outlook, and my life. Also, leaving Joshua's again in the morning going to Sulphur Springs. Next week has me in a doctor's office at least once every day - except Thursday, so far. My insurance is waiving all doctor and specialist co-pay's until at least the end of September, so what better time to get checked out from head to toe - inside and out. Literally! - Monday is a hearing exam and a foot exam - Tuesday the girls are getting squished in my mammogram - Wednesday has me meeting with the orthopedic specialist to find out his results of the MRI - Friday has me being screened for skin cancer I will be meeting with a nutrionist October 7. - that is a BIG change in my life. - I am on a quest for getting rid of this excess weight, toning and being in the best shape I can be in for 59 years old. And for anyone who may be struggling with their weight, if I can do it - you can too! Be encouraged. No, it's not easy, but it is so well worth it! After losing 40 pounds so far, I can already tell the difference in the way I am sleeping at night, in my breathing when I walk longer distances, and most of all - the difference in my mind, heart and emotions about food. I will be writing more about this later this weekend, and in the coming weeks. But for now, I think this is long enough ... lol - and it's time to start packing once again. I have sinned against God and fallen short of His glory.
And in the process I have hurt others in my life. I am sorry. Because I can do nothing to change the past, with many a river of bitter tears and mountains of regret - I have repented of my sin, and called on God Asking for His forgiveness, And receiving it moment by moment, day by day. I have also asked forgiveness from those I have in any way offended, If by chance I missed You - please forgive me for that, too. Because of God’s Amazing Grace and Unending Love, Because of God’s Hands of Mercy - I have been forgiven, And now will walk as one forgiven. The Bible tells me that I am a new creation in Christ, old things are passed away, behold all things have become new! I am going to live that to the best of my ability, with the Grace of God to help me. I know there are those, and will always be those, who do not want to see me forgiven. They would prefer I walk with a beaten down heart, A spirit of contrition that is obvious - such as in sackcloth and ashes, or wailing for forgiveness I will no longer do that. No longer will I explain or defend my life - past, present, or future. I am who I am. Good, bad, or indifferent. It has all worked together to make me who I am today. Everything is either a blessing, or a lesson. I do not ask for explanation or self-defending from anyone else in my life, So therefore I will no longer be giving it from mine. If someone has a heart to pray with me, or pray for me, about a particular “issue” in my life - Then, yes, it will be an honor to talk with them, and be honest. But for those who are hell-bent on making me live in misery for past mistakes? Well, I’m not going to play your games any longer. Everyone has to make their own choices and decisions - and answer for them. We all make mistakes. In some way, large or small, every one of us have screwed up! And if you haven’t yet? Mark my word - YOU WILL. It is to the honor of my God to walk in the victory of forgiveness It is with gratitude that I humbly accept His Grace, His Mercy, His Love Just because someone else cannot accept that I have been forgiven, does not make me unforgivable. I am not living my life to please any person. My heart’s desire is to live in peace as much as it depends on me - But when that “depends on me” reaches the level of condemnation and judgment? No. Just No. Anyone doesn’t like the way I live my life? Then they need to pray about it, and pray for me - - that I may listen to the voice of God speaking thru His Word, and know the paths to take. But while they are praying? Pray for themselves not to be so judgmental and assuming!!! Not wanting to cross any literary or sharing lines here -
but this article is so "spot on" that I must share it. I must keep it! AFTER A HUSBAND'S DEATH, DREAMS MUST BE REINVENTED. by Christine Thiele February 6, 2011 One of the hardest struggles I’ve found about widowhood is that the life you had before pretty much dies with your spouse. Well, at least mine did. The hopes, dreams and plans that we made as a couple were buried with my husband. Every morsel of my being was changed because he is no longer here for me to love or be loved by him. At first, his vacancy left the obvious holes; no more him, no more seeing, smelling, holding, or sharing with him. As time passed, more holes appeared: no one to help with the kids, no one to help with the house and no one to talk to in the intimate way I could talk to him. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so completely alone. I don’t think I’ve ever felt the weight of loneliness like this. Then comes my life, my hopes, and my dreams. All obliterated. In the years prior to his illness, we were coming into a solid comfort zone in life. We were happy with our jobs, our family life, and our marriage. We were married for a good chunk of time and had been together for nearly 14 years. We knew each other and miraculously were still happy with the each other. We appreciated who we had become. We were looking forward to a family becoming one member larger and the joys that come with raising our two boys. So, he dies. I’m still here. I am left to walk the earth without him and to carry on the plan. Carry on the plan… carry on the plan… carry on the plan? It took me several years to realize that I could not carry on our plan alone. I think it’s taken me several more to come to grips with the fact that I need to create new plans. I need to dream and hope without him. I don’t like this. And have only gone this direction kicking and screaming for my old dreams, my old hopes, my old life. My future has been a very difficult thing for me to let go by the wayside. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to do all this again. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to do this alone. I don’t think it’s fair that I am left with my hopes and dreams shattered in pieces on the floor. Well, I also know that life is not fair. Life is a gift and a struggle. Life is not to be taken for granted or spent without meaning. All these factors propel me into my new future. All these factors give me strength to dream new dreams and hope new hopes and reshape my life into something I can live with and hopefully thrive in day after day. The problem is that the struggle is hard… some days, some weeks, some months are just too much for me to handle. These times leave me wondering why? Why try again? Why move on? Why reinvent, re-imagine when so many of these days, I only end up exhausted and overwhelmed? The only answer I can ever come up with is… drum roll please… there is no other way for me. I yearn for joy, I yearn to be someone my boys will look up to each day, I yearn to love and be loved. Every day that I remember this, I build strength for another day. Every overwhelming moment at a time that I remember how much faith my husband had in me to carry on without him, I feel honored. Every time I feel that warmth of his love flow through me, that moment when I know I didn’t give up, I become revived a bit more. I am revived and strengthened for another moment. I am revived and even given courage to take on my new dreams, my new hopes, no matter how much struggling lies before me. So today, I will dream a bit and hope a bit. Every day I will try a bit more. With each passing day, I will realize that I have begun the new dreams, the new hopes, the new life that carries his love within me. This new life may exist without him holding my hand, but it will never exist without him holding my heart. It will be a fusion of old and new. It will be a mix of what we wanted and what I am capable of doing without him. I hope, I dream, I imagine every day that I have courage to be and to live brings me one day closer to me, reinvented. --Thank you Christine for sharing this. It is so much my heart and my life now. God bless you and yours. Sisters in a bond that we never wanted. 5 years now.
5 years since I have seen into Rick's eyes 5 years since I have felt his touch 5 years April 23, 2015 when Rick drew his final breath Here upon this earth 5 years April 25, 2015 when I saw his face for the last 5 years April 26, 2015 when we gathered As family and friends to celebrate a life well lived 5 years April 27, 2015 when everyone returned to their homes Their lives moving forward Their hearts stepping into healing 5 years that I have been a widow Time amazes me How can it be so slow, while going so fast? We were constant companions and partners in life He was my Sweetheart I was his Beloved We seldom spent more than an 8 hour work day away from one another And the last few years of his life, after the kids were grown, we worked together Miles and hours spent in each others' company We were so much more than husband and wife We were best friends at the core of our relationship And everything else grew out of that We truly were in a "fellow-ship" with one another Then, life fell apart Dreams were left undone My heart was left broken, My life was shattered on the floor Not sure of anything any more More questions than answers God seemed an eternity away from my heart Abandoned I was Lonely & scared What choice did I have Strong I had to be It's been a tough 5 years for me I've made choices and decisions based on what I assumed was the best for me, for my children and my grandchildren And life fell apart yet again Just when I thought I was getting my feet under me Just when I thought life might actually work out Just when I thought I had purpose, a reason to get up in the mornings Life jerked it all away Rudely Hatefully Left me crumpled in a corner yet again What could I do but cry out to God God who was always there God who was wiping away my tears God who wept with me God who held me even while I struggled against His embrace Crying out to Him I found His heart of Amazing Grace I felt His hands of mercy covering me I heard His voice singing over me, Quieting me with His love. Now held by Him No judgment from His heart No condemnation from His voice Only Love & Grace Holding me in His warm embrace Never again will I need to stand alone For the God of angel armies is always by my side Unending Love is now my Strength Often still this warrior is a child And when fear assails I simply Trust in Jesus Knowing He knows me He is God, I don't have to be God has brought me home to Him Giving me roots yet again in His Word Setting me up on angel's wings Guarded and protected Guided moment by moment Day by day Still stumbling and faltering But I don't have to do this alone any longer God holds my hand The tears still come But Jesus wept, too. Where will life take me from here? Only Heaven knows and now? I'm ok with that My Daughter,
Please don’t walk away from me when life hits and your heart is broken. I know sometimes you hurt so bad you want to blame me. I understand how hard it is for you to keep your heart committed to me, when you feel I have disappeared in the midst of your pain. I have been broken for you to have the strength to live. I am here--and I am working things out for you even when it seems as if nothing has changed. I have my hand on you and extended to you at all times. No one can hold you as close as I can. So don’t run, my love--unless it is into my arms of mercy. Love, Your Lord Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. - Psalm 23:6 (NLT) This devotional is written by Sheri Rose Shepherd. All content copyright Sheri Rose Shepherd 2015. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Visit HisPrincess.com for devotionals, books, videos, and more from Sheri Rose Shepherd. I think if ever there was a song that is the absolute echo of my heart, the tears that make rivulets on my face, the cries from the very depths of my soul - this could be it: Being a widow is more than missing your spouse's presence.
It is quite literally adjusting to a total new life, an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation, one where there is no prosthetic. Being a widow is going to bed night after night, 1798 times for me as of last night and the loneliness still doesn't feel normal. Neither does crying yourself to sleep, just aching to be held. It used to be seeing a bed brought a smile, and comfort. No longer. Seeing a bed is a vivid reminder of silence, emptiness, loss of connection. Being a widow is not feeling at "home" no matter where you are, or who you are with. Because your person is missing. Being a widow is knowing all your hopes and dreams that you shared as a couple are now crumbled into a pile of ashes. So begins the process of searching for new dreams that are yours alone. Being a widow is having every small victory including a new shade of grief that you can't share it with the one who propelled you onto this path. Being a widow is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. You find you are no longer the same person, and when others tell you this - you can't explain it, because you don't understand it. Being a widow is learning what you like, instead of what we like. What you want to watch, instead of what we enjoy watching. Being a widow is feeling excitement over this new person you are becoming, and yet knowing heartbreak because of the only reason you are this new person. Being a widow is being a stranger in your own life. It is unnerving to watch yourself going thru the motions of what was your life, and yet feeling detached and not a part of it. Having your previous life feel like a vapor mist that is gone, and it leaves you often wondering if it happened at all. Being a widow is the irony of knowing that if just that one person were here to hold you and support you, you could make it thru this grieving process. And that thought leaves you twisted and confused. Being a widow is missing the one person who was your memory keeper, the one who would laugh at your stupid jokes, the one who just got your irrational fears. To anyone else? You have to explain, and they don't understand even then, so you keep it all to yourself. And keeping it to yourself makes the loneliness grow by leaps and bounds. Being a widow is struggling with your own identity. This person you were with your spouse? You aren't that one anymore. So, who am I? If I am not going to do the things we planned, what do I do? What is my purpose if the joy of investing into my marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn't here? Being a widow is a restless feeling because I have lost my home, my identity, my partner, my lover, my best friend, my travel companion, my security, my LIFE. And because I am drifting away with an unknown destination. Being a widow is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship - with no hand to hold, no body next to you, no partner to share the good or the bad or simply the indifferent. Being a widow is feeling sad when you are happy and laughing. The guilt while you are living. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry, but nothing sounds good. It is every event turning bittersweet. So, yes, being a widow is more, so much more, than simply missing their presence. It is becoming this new person, with a new life - you want to, but you don't want it, either. Being a widow is fighting every emotion a person can feel - at the very same moment, and trying to function in life at the same time. Being a widow is nerve-wracking. Being a widow is vulnerability. Being a widow is strength. Being a widow is darkness and light all mixed up together. Being a widow is ... LIFE changing. I have had several people tell me in these last 3 years especially, that I need to stop sharing the dark moments of this widow's walk. That no one wants to read about the long lonely nights, or the days where grief gut punches. That no one needs all that. That people need & want only the uplifting words, and pretty pictures, or funny memes. All the other "stuff" is too negative. (Yes, some of these that have said this, are widows/widowers themselves.) Since there is no manual that I have been able to locate on this life as a widow, and thinking perhaps others know better - I have tried to steer clear of sharing about the long and lonely nights, the tears that I cry, the battles I fight (sometimes winning, sometimes ... well, not winning). Lately I have been weighing everything I share and post against their words. However, I have been questioning all of this the last few days. Rick asked me to always be brutally honest, even if I wasn't comfortable in doing so. So, by not doing what I promised to him, am I betraying his trust in me? The struggle has been real and intense this week. Yet, what do I receive just 2 days ago, early in the morning? 2 messages from 2 different people miles and miles apart - Thanking me for sharing a post from 2018 about the dark moments, the long & lonely nights, the tears cried, the battles fought whether lost or won, this life of being a widow and wading thru the grief! Telling me how much that one post from February 2018 meant to them. How it gave words to their own hearts and thoughts. How it even explained to their own minds what this process is all about. How it blessed them, comforting them that they are not alone! Wow. Rick was right. (Just don't tell him! lol) I know he is smiling today. At least for that post, and the other ones before I allowed words of a few to taint my writings to many. Life is real. I am hurting & healing at the same time. So no longer will I hide the bad with only the good. That's not living, that's not sharing. And most important? That's not what I promised my dying husband that I would do. Just remember: When the heart and life stop going up and down, we are dead. My renewed commitment to writing: I bow my head, and my heart, to be who I am - - for YOU, God of angel armies - - in all of this. Be it good or bad ... or even just indifferent. God of angel armies, You are always by my side. You go before me, opening up the ways, opening doors that no one can close, closing the doors that I don’t even need to know are there! You go before me, and You beckon me to follow You, trust You. You stand beside me. Your hand gently guiding and firmly encouraging me to move forward. You are always having my back. Guarding me, protecting me - not only from falling, but from anyone coming up against me. Thank You God. I love You. Oh how I love You! I like sleeping with Graizie. She is my Russ cow. Some might think it silly, but she is a touchstone to Rick. I was remembering when he got her for me. We were at Promised Land dairy in Brenham TX. We stopped at the gift shop/office. I wanted to go in, he said we didn’t have time - he was just going to get the invoice signed and we had to get on the road. Hurt my feelings, but ok. So I sat in the truck and waited ... and waited. Thinking that it would not have taken me this long to just take a quick look around while he got the paper signed. Yes, I was pouting. It had been a difficult trip, and I was tired & grumpy. He opened the truck door, holding something behind his back. Smiled at me, and tenderly handed her to me. I squealed, and he smiled big. After that, she went with me every trip on the truck. Or every adventure we had. Graizie was a constant companion. She’s been in every home, and most ever car - since about 2001. I didn’t take her to KY with me, and I missed her every day, every night. She IS my touchstone with Rick. Even while he was alive, I would always give her a kiss on the head when I went by her. Holding her tenderly and lovingly. No one else has ever been allowed to play with her, not the kids nor the grandkids. And everyone knew why. Even more so now. Sleeping with her the last few nights has brought me great comfort and strength, also a calmness and peace. Silly perhaps, but one thing I have learned about grief - little if anything makes sense to us, let alone to those around us! We must do what brings us peace and any small measure of lasting comfort. She sits near me now, and she really seems more than a stuffed animal - I know it would be silly to anyone else ... but to me? This is a good thing. Thank you, Rick, for getting her for me. Thank you, Rick, for not letting me go into the gift shop that day so very long ago. Thank You, God - just for understanding how weird I am. ;) How many times have I cried out "Jesus, hold me now" since leaving Kentucky in November 2019? I have lost count. Jesus, Hold Me Now Living on my own, thinking for myself Castles in the sand, temporary wealth Now the walls are falling down Now the storms are closing in And here I am again Jesus, hold me now I need to feel You in this place To know You're by my side And hear Your voice tonight Jesus, hold me now I long for Your embrace I'm beat and broken down I can't find my way out Jesus, hold me now Curse this morning sun, drags me into one more day Of reaping what I've sown, living with my shame Welcome to my world, and the life that I have made One day you're a prince, and the next day you're a slave Jesus, hold me now I need to feel You in this place To know You're by my side And hear Your voice tonight Jesus, hold me now I long for Your embrace I'm beat and broken down I can't find my way out Jesus, hold me now Lord, I just looked up today And realized how far away I am from where You are I don't know what else to pray Broken at Your feet I lay The life I've torn apart Jesus, hold me now I need to feel You in this place To know You're by my side And hear Your voice tonight Jesus, hold me now I long for Your embrace I'm beat and broken down I can't find my way out Jesus, hold me now Jesus, hold me now Jesus, hold me now Jesus, hold me now Jesus, hold me now ~ ~ Casting Crowns ~ ~ I had no idea that it has been just a little over a month since I have written here. Wow. Time seems to go faster every year ... no, every day! And now that the time has changed - Spring Forward - the mornings just disappear! I wake up, have coffee, read the Word, get dressed, and poof! The morning is gone! It's afternoon now. I shake my head and wonder if my body & mind will adjust to this. Oh I know it does every change of time ... but I'm older now - so will it adjust as quickly or as easily? Whew! This is only the 2nd day of this change, but good gravy! This past month was a most difficult one for me. On every level. February 9 brought Captain Jack down. Still not sure what is wrong with him. But, he's not road-worthy, I know that much. As long as the O/D light is off, indicative that the overdrive is working, he runs like a champ. However, as soon as the O/D light starts flashing, the power just simply goes away. Takes me down to around 40 mph. Then the engine will rev, almost like it is in neutral, finally shifting and then if the light goes out, we are back to running like it should. I am overwhelmed with all of this. I am doing my best to stay strong and wait patiently. But, I feel like I am getting weaker, not stronger. I am so very tired of being stranded, yet again. I was stranded like this for over 2 yrs in KY - because my car then would not run, it needed just a few little things done to it. Things that I was promised would be taken care of by friends ... things that were never taken care of. The car ended up literally rotting down in the yard. And I was left to blame for allowing it to happen, that I had not driven it like I should have to keep it running. ? ? ? This after being told to NOT drive it until all the little things were fixed. Oh - whatever! But the way that played out makes me feel that not-so-old-familiar frustration and discouragement. Now, everyone tells me what to check for, to take it to a mechanic, or what to do myself. When I tell them that I have checked what I can, and I have had it coded twice, with a transmission shop telling me it "I don't think it is the transmission, but even if it is, we need to get the engine running properly first." ? ? ? Then I am instructed to "suck it up, pay the money and get the darn thing fixed!" What NO ONE seems to get? I DO NOT have the money! If I had the money? It would have already been fixed, or replaced! Now, don't misunderstand me, I am not asking for this truck to be looked at for nothing. I have already paid over $200 to have it diagnosed, which led to 2 completely different "estimates" & diagnosis. One involving the transmission and the other involving the engine. With estimates running from $1500 to $5000. I only gave $6950 for the truck in the first place! So spending the higher end of those estimates does not make good sense. It's more like throwing good money after bad. :( At the most what I would hope for is that a mechanic that I could trust (is there one?), would look at it, give me an honest diagnosis, and tell me truthfully - is it worth fixing? And if yes, that he would allow me to pay him out on the work needed done to get me back on the road. The other thing that I am told to do is: "Turn it over to God. Trust Him." Ok. Good sound advice. I HAVE. I AM. I know that all of this is in HIS hands, not mine. But I also believe that God does not expect us to just sit on our empty hands and wait for Him to swoop in and rescue us. God helps us as we help ourselves. Or so I have been taught since a toddling child. I just don't know what to do ... nor how to do it ... and certainly don't know how to pay for it. It's hard not to be consumed with the thoughts that if Rick were here, HE would know exactly what to do! Not only was he a good mechanic, but he knew mechanics that could be trusted. And guaranteed, if a vehicle gave him much to deal with? That vehicle was not long a part of our "family". Rick was insistent that I have a running vehicle, no matter where we lived, nor what our life was like at the time. Even when we were on the truck together, my truck sat there, waiting and ready for me to get home to it. Sigh. So, the not-so-fun merry-go-round continues, threatening at any moment to throw me completely off. Sigh. This past month hasn't just been about the truck, although that is enough! My children and grandchildren have been sick - flu and/or upper respiratory viral infection. As well as part of them have had a stomach "thing" that just seems to hang on no matter what they do, or don't, eat/drink. Sigh. Add to that, someone in trouble with the law because of inattentiveness to details ... and others with having dental work done - including wisdom teeth cut out. Oh, and I have been told that since the kids are grown, I shouldn't concern myself with them and their choices. Nor should I allow them being sick/hurt to take away from my peace of mind - after all, they are adults, and for the grandkids? Well, they have parents to attend to them! ? ? ? The ones who have said those words to me DO NOT KNOW ME! And they don't know the reality of life. Yes, the kids are grown and must answer for their own mistakes. But that doesn't mean that I don't care, or that I no longer worry. Yes, the grandkids belong to their parents for the raising. But again, that doesn't mean I don't care, or don't worry. Just because I am not the one directly responsible for their well being doesn't mean I am not called upon for wisdom, counsel, and advice! Oh, and I would have it NO OTHER WAY! I love my kids and grandkids. Even when life hits hard, or they make mistakes. I realize that the ones who said these words to me are perhaps trying to encourage me, but all I could (and continue to) think - REALLY? ? ? I have not, nor will I ever, wash my hands of my children and grandchildren. I have not, nor will I ever, cease to be Momma & Grannee! And as if all of this were not enough ...
I have been struggling with not feeling well, an earache that just will not go away and stay away, and a migraine from HELL - one that lasted well over 72 hours, one that greatly tempted me to go to the ER. I know that part of it all is the stress and frustration with everything going on in my life, and around me. And part of it is this time of year in Texas. 21* at night and 81* in the afternoon. Quite the change for this old body to accept and do well with. This part of it will level out soon. Easter is April 12 this year, no more freezes after that. :) The allergies will probably get worse before they get better - simply because things are just now beginning to show the new growth and blooms. I know I shall be ok - it will just take a little while to allow my body to once again adapt to these Texas spring times and effects. So, seeing February leave was NOT a bad thing this year. Hoping and praying that March will be BETTER. Recently I have been struggling with those who at one time, either before Rick died or since, were a daily part of my life. Either phone calls, visits, text messages, or chat messages thru Facebook - and who now for whatever reason, aren't. Or aren't as much as they were at a different time. I have questioned if I did or said something wrong. Or perhaps it was just life getting in the way of living and being friends. I know that some have found a companion, which has been bittersweet for me. Sweetness in that I am overjoyed for my friends who have found love, a companion, even a 2nd chapter after loss. But also makes me heart weary of feeling so much like the "in-between" girl, only & always. Sigh. Out of respect for their new relationship I step away with dignity and grace. I would never interfere or in any way come between them, yet I do miss my friend. I've cried a river of tears over a few that are no longer a "walk-with-me-thru-this-friend". Some, have not been so hard to let them walk away. I've prayed much, dug deep into my own heart. Always over thinking things - such am I. And then I see this meme on Facebook a few days ago. Wow. Whoever said that Facebook has nothing good, or that God cannot use it - well, they didn't know what they were talking about! "Don't worry about people God has removed from your life. He heard conversations you didn't. Saw things you couldn't. And made moves you wouldn't." Has there ever been such a complete and overwhelming peace flood a soul as it did mine that morning? I think not! Wow. It's so much easier to just breathe and Trust in Jesus now. ALL of me is all His. Living and breathing deeply with a grateful thankful heart now. I am beginning to feel great excitement and anticipation for the changes in my life. What changes? Not sure yet. Lol - that's part of the excitement and anticipation. But for the first time in a LONG time, a very long time, I actually feel alive. Not just existing from day to night back to day again. But alive! Breathing! I will always love Rick and forever grieve for him, missing him like crazy. Not a day without the highs and lows of grief and being a widow will I ever have, but that's ok now. I also will have the struggles of being a PTSD Survivor. It's not just a one-time Survivor. It's a every day, every situation, Survivor! But life goes on, it moves forward ... and so do I. It's taken a lot of tears, much kicking and screaming, many words written & cursed & prayed, to get me to this point. But here I am. And I find that I am proud of ME. No, I'm not proud of every choice and decision I have made these last 5 years with my time, my money, or my life - but I am proud of ME now. Thankful that God in His Amazing Grace kept His hand of mercy covering me, protecting me, and drawing me back into His arms of love and comfort. He never once turned away from me, nor left me to be alone. But He did make sure I survived it all. And here I am now. There are times that these memes can say it better than me: Seems I find myself wondering a lot these days.
Wondering what my life is supposed to be? Wondering just where I am to call "home"? Wondering if there is a 2nd chapter to my love story? Wondering what I am supposed to do? I don't think wondering is a bad thing. I know for me it has already helped me figure out some of what I don't want to be or do, where I don't want to call "home", and if there is a 2nd chapter of love what I would really like for that to be like. It's also helping me to figure out what I can live with, and what I don't want to live without. I am rediscovering the joy of research, reading and writing, and finding ways to join the picture taking with it all. I'm also savoring each moment more, deeper. Taking time to make time. When insomnia comes against me now, I let it work FOR me not against me. It simply provides me with extra time to research and to write. That's not a bad thing! :) I am treasuring each time with my kids and grandkids. Knowing that their lives are busy, yet they carve out some moments here and there just for Momma & Grannee. The hugs and forehead kisses are amazing & sweet. The conversations range from being light with laughter to soul-searching and serious. Yesterday I was so ready for spring time, wanting to get out and about to take adventures and pictures, then to write about where I've been, what I've seen. And today, because the forecast is for a winter weather storm with inches of snow? I am excited and can't hardly wait for the skies to turn blue and dark with the approaching storm. Hoping against all that I wake up in the wee hours of the morning to a white ground and snow falling. I guess what is really happening is growth and healing are coming along side the grieving and hurting. And it is all working to make me stronger & better than I have ever been. The bad moments of grief & anxiety will surely still come. Perhaps even a bad day, or nights that are horrible-rotten-just no good. But I no longer fear those times. Because they come ... and they go. They are not allowed to stay. Nor am I allowed to set up camp there. Life goes on ... and I go with it. I love you, Rick. Always and forever. I hope you are proud of me now. I hope from this point on you always will be. I love you, and I miss you like crazy! Ok. Deep breath. :)
This is the more difficult post for me to write. It's not easy to be such an open book. But it needs shared. So HOW did we get PTSD? Simple. We experienced a shocking, scary and dangerous event. That event could have been the death of a loved one, war, tornado, fire, child abuse, sexual assault, life threatening illness or injury, surgery that was complicated or long. Everyone experiences these with a wide range of reactions. Most recover naturally & more quickly. With few if any complications or lingering effects. However, if we continue to experience the reactions there is a possibility that we have PTSD and/or anxiety disorder. PTSD can strike anyone at any age, no matter the traumatic event. *Please remember not to self-diagnosis. Yes! Educate yourself. If you suspect PTSD? See your doctor. Discuss your concerns with him. Visit a counselor who specializes in PTSD. Get a medical diagnosis before this consumes you! YOU ARE LOVED! What are the symptoms of PTSD? 1. Flashbacks to the event. *One of mine was every time I tried to lay down in the bed, the flashback was to being on the stretcher into the surgery room. Or seeing Rick laying on the stretcher at the back of the hearse that came to take him away. 2. Nightmares that somehow involve pieces of the event. *For me, this was (and continues to be, but not as often) a dream of being in total darkness. Feeling immense pressure on my body, as though tied down. Hearing an urgency in the voices around me. Knowing my son was calling to me as though he were hurting and I could not get to him. 3. Frightening and/or fearful thoughts. *Feeling like I was waiting for "the other shoe to drop". Knowing something bad was going to happen, waiting for it. 4. Intense drive to stay away from the places & people that remind you of that event. *I still never want to go to Houston, TX again. Nor do I even want to get close! It took me 4 years before I could step inside the funeral home where Rick was. 5. Strong guilt (as in survivor guilt), or depression. *Why did I survive uterine cancer and he died from kidney disease? Why did I survive cancer when so many others did not? How did I have my hand on his chest and not feel him leave that morning? Why did I turn my eyes away for those 3 seconds? 6. Losing interest in things that you previously enjoyed. *Reading. I used to devour books. For 7 years now, I have struggled to focus and finish a book. 7. Trouble remembering details of your life, except for that event. *It's like living in a fog, a thick pea-soup type fog. 8. Being easily startled. *I have always been jumpy. Rick used to love it, cause I would be so focused on what I was doing that he could sneak upon me, say something and I would scream. Lol. This is not that. I have found myself literally jumping at every noise, no matter how small or great. 9. Feeling constantly tense or on edge. *Listening intently to hear anything, or everything. Or when cross words are spoken between those I am with. I think that is still the worst. Takes everything out of me to control the emotions at that point. 10. Difficulty sleeping, insomnia. *For me, the best sleep has been when I can hear others talking, or when the TV is on. I sleep 2-4 hours, then wake up. Often finding myself awake around 2 a.m. and not going back to sleep until night time. 11. Angry out bursts because you can't find the one point of blame. *No one has heard my outbursts. I've kept those to myself. But oh. Yes. 12. Extreme quietness. *I have hours that I don't say a word to anyone. Not mad. Just do not feel like talking. More times than not, or so it seems to me, I would rather just be quiet - because my tolerance for bullshit is so low these days. 13. Distress at anniversary dates. *I never have to think about the day, nor the hour. I don't have to look at a clock or calendar. I just know the day, and the hour. I can tell you how long it has been since my surgery, and how long it has been since Rick died. I don't try ... it's just there. There is a "countdown clock" that lives in my head. 14. Showing affection too much, or not enough. *I tend to be the "too much" kind of person. Skin hunger. Fear of more loss. Loneliness. Emptiness. As well as a type of grounding myself. 15. Excessive irritability. *I find the irritability the worst when I am really tired. When my mind and my body are on overload. 16. Extreme difficulty in concentrating. *It is difficult for me to concentrate to read, or to watch a movie. I do good at watching a 30 minute or hour long show. But still struggling with a movie. 17. Beginning or increase in physical ailments: high blood pressure, rapid breathing, muscle tensions, nausea, bowel changes, body aches, allergies, headaches, vision changes. *This is what took me to see Dr. Pierce in the first place. It was as a result of the tests and all his questions that PTSD was diagnosed. Remember, PTSD lasts longer than a few days, or even a few weeks. We are talking months and years here. Also, PTSD can fade away, lie dormant within us, and then a trigger can make it rise again. What are those triggers? They are different for everyone who has PTSD. A smell that is associated with that event. A noise. A news article. A conversation about the event. A reference to that event in any medium. A song. There are literally thousands of triggers. That's why it is so important that you find Yours. What are mine? *Seeing MD Anderson mentioned anywhere - in the news, on Facebook, etc... *Hearing "The Yellow Rose of Texas" - that was just one of the many songs that Rick would wrap his arms around me and sing. *Smelling Black Suede cologne (Avon product). *I was in Barnes & Noble not long ago, and it was all I could do to stand upright, to not collapse on the floor in a crying heap. I was walking down an aisle, looked up to the top shelf and there was Rick's Bible cover. It was the EXACT one that he had last. Same color, same size, same wording on the front. I stood there, forcing myself to breath in and breath out. Then, I took a picture of it. Just so that I could force myself to look at it again when I got to the house and tell myself all those positive words. *Smelling a cherry cigar. *For a while, hearing the word "cancer" was a massive trigger. *Standing in the room where Rick died. *I was in Walmart one day and walked past the aisle that has all the feminine products. I stopped. I couldn't breathe. I instantly felt dizzy. Since I had had uterine cancer, and the surgery was a radical hysterectomy, I no longer needed those items - however, they were a reminder to me of what had happened. What makes you a Survivor of PTSD? 1. You have an optimistic yet realistic outlook. *I know what happened. I know when it happened. And I know that I survived both. Not sure why yet. But I believe there is a purpose for my life yet. Being optimistic doesn't mean seeing life thru rose-colored glasses. It does mean that even on bad days, or in the darkest of moments, you know "this too shall pass". Good always follows bad. Always. 2. You face your fears. *The greatest fear of my 58 years has been the thought of losing my husband. That happened. April 23, 2015. I faced it. I survived it. What else is there to really be afraid of? Death is a part of life. A real sucky part! 3. You have an inner moral compass. *I know right from wrong. I have always had a code that I lived by. And as Woodrow says in Lonesome Dove: "I can't tolerate rude behavior." So, I refuse to be rude myself - to others, or to myself. 4. You are a spiritual person. *I don't consider myself religious. Rick always said, "Religion is man reaching up to God. Relationship is God reaching down to man." I do have a relationship with God. I can't imagine navigating these waters of grief and PTSD without that Anchor. But I am also a very spiritual woman. As an empathetic I can be no less. 5. You have social support. *I didn't have support after my cancer surgery. It was a difficult time in our lives with Rick, so all the focus was on him and me being his 24/7 caregiver. I was told repeatedly by others that they did not believe I had had cancer. When questioned as to why they believed that, each time their answer was: "Because you didn't have to have any treatments." Well, according to the path report and the oncologist? It was caught early, which was a blessing considering it was the most aggressive form and he said I had at the most 6 months to live! But I guess what does an oncologist know, right? *I did have social support after Rick died. Because I sought it out online in widow/widower support groups. Having been told time after time that "it is high time that you let him go and move on with your life" (and this started at month 2!), or "it's your fault he is dead! You didn't love him enough! You didn't give him proper care!" I did not seek out support face to face, nor from any of those near me. 6. You have role models. *This was a difficult one for me. Thankfully, one of my dearest friends was a couple of years ahead of me on this road. And SHE called me. She walked me thru that first year, the thoughts, the emotions. She held me when I cried. She was there when I reached out, but thankfully, she didn't wait for me to reach out - she did a LOT of reaching in to me. *The role model I chose for the uterine cancer was my momma. She had had uterine cancer in 1996. She faced it bravely, even with the treatments. Her's was the less aggressive kind. But she never complained. She endured. And I was determined to face it head on. I would have cancer, but no way in hell was cancer going to have ME! 7. You are more physically fit. *I wasn't very fit when cancer hit me, we had been on the truck (long-haul) for a couple of years. So I was probably in the worst shape of my life. Then as I became full time caregiver to Rick, any taking care of me beyond the absolute necessity of just surviving, went on the back burner - the way, way, way back burner. *After Rick died, in the first 2 years I lost about 150 pounds. I wouldn't recommend the widow-diet to anyone, just saying. Then in the next 2 years I gained about 50 pounds back. But just before Thanksgiving 2019 I made ME a promise - to lose the weight and KEEP it off. I want to be the best I can be for ME @ 59 years old. 8. You find a way to accept what cannot be changed. *What else can you do? Louis L'Amour said in one of his books (I can't remember which one right now): "If you fight against the desert, you will surely die. If you learn to live with it, you will!" I read that years & years before all this happened, but it made an impression on me, and I have taken that and made it a mantra of sorts for my life. *The song "Let It Be" by the Beatles. That song plays in my head and in my heart all the time. A lot of the time it is playing on my phone, too! :) There is so much truth and wisdom in the lyrics of the song. And the music, it is peaceful and calming. I love it! 9. You look for meaning and opportunities. *My website has taken on new meaning to me. If no one ever reads it, it is my therapy. Hopefully someone will read it and be helped - that was Rick's desire, and my prayer to honor him. *I'm still looking for something to do with my life. Still feel much like a fish out of water no matter where I am. But, I keep going - moment by moment, breath by breath. 10.You keep mentally sharp. *I have a game on my phone that I use daily. Wood Block Puzzle. It is a bit like Tetris. I try to get the highest score, and there is always a game running. Lol. I may not play but 5 minutes at a time. But it is my go-to for focus and concentration exercising. 11. And as Rick would say: "Honey, you are too damn stubborn to give up or quit!" Lol *He was right. LOL Just don't let him hear me admit it! It's not easy to be so open about my trials and struggles with PTSD. I haven't arrived anywhere. I am still on the journey - and I accept that it will be a lifelong journey. Will I ever fully recover? Perhaps. But even if I don't - God is still God. And He is still good. I don't have all the answers - for my cancer survival, for being a widow, for living this life. But I know it's ok to have questions without answers. And really cool when an answer finds me! One of the most important lessons I have learned in life is when dealing with a medical "condition", you neither take the word of the doctor as absolute, nor do you entirely self-diagnosis/medicate.
When it comes to matters of health it should be a combined effort, a joining of mind and hands if you will, to provide the clearest diagnosis, and the best care possible, for yourself or your loved ones. If you read the paper on the wall of your doctor, it will say "Practicing Physician". That means your doctor, or mine, is NOT God. Their word is NOT definitive. I have experienced this "practicing" time after time. And honestly? Any doctor worth their salt will absolutely agree. Now, before I go any farther, don't misunderstand me. I thank God for our doctors & nurses, as well as the researchers. I simply don't leave everything to them. God also gave me a mind to think with, and the abilities to research articles and papers written. After all ... this is MY body, not the doctors. Right? Also, when you have received a diagnosis, after much research, testings, talking with your doctor and listening ... do NOT take the word of someone in your family or friend's circle, or someone on a social media site, who says, "I don't believe you have that! I won't ever believe it! You don't need to follow those instructions." Best one I've heard yet? "I know you didn't really have cancer, cause God didn't tell ME that you did! You just wanted the attention." Hmmmm...what do they REALLY know about your body? Where were they during all the tests, the questions and answers, the meetings with doctors? Everyone has an opinion and most of the time? Those don't need to be shown or expressed, unless asked! Now, having said all that, lol, I will explain why I said it all. I have not talked much about this. But it's time to, as Rick has said often enough, "get out of your comfort zone, honey. Someone else might need to hear this." 7 years ago after having major cancer surgery, I was diagnosed with PTSD. At the time, I was under the impression that only our military could get PTSD. Or maybe someone who had been a victim of a vicious crime? Or perhaps a severe natural disaster. I had no idea that a "common" girl from East Texas could have it because of cancer and the surgery. My impression was wrong. My oncologist told me that because of the severity of the cancer, and how close I came to dying because of the cancer itself, as well as the fact that I bled out during surgery (had to receive 11 units of blood) - he wanted me to be aware of PTSD and what to expect. Saying that it would make it easier when it started manifesting itself to me, and he believed it would because he had seen it too many times in other patients as well. It didn't take long. I am so thankful that he did prepare me, because it was scary as hell! And if I had not known anything about it? OMW! So, yes! I will forever be grateful to Dr. Michael Frumovitz at MD Anderson hospital in Houston TX for being blunt, honest and real with me. 4 1/2 years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD again. Different situation. Different doctor. A doctor who knew not one thing about the original diagnosis. A doctor who diagnosed me only after talking with me, and running the tests. "Margaret, you have PTSD & Complicated Grief. You will be ok. We will find a way to get you thru this. You are a strong woman. You got this!" As I sat in Dr. Pierce's office with tears running down my cheeks, and shaking like a leaf. Thru my own reading and research, as well as the info given to me by the doctors, I want to share with you what I have learned. 1. PTSD seldom disappears completely. It often lies dormant until something* causes it to rise up within. 2. PTSD demands that we learn a more effective way of coping with it, and with those triggers that cause it flare up time and time again. 3. You may have PTSD - but PTSD does NOT have to have YOU! So, how do we cope more effectively? 1. Educate yourself. Knowledge is powerful. But you must do more than simply "know". You must use wisdom and "do" what you "know". 2. Do not skip exercise. No matter how bad you feel. No matter the weather. No matter what! Get up! Move! If all you can do is lay in bed, then move your arms, move your legs. If all you can do is sit in a chair - move your arms, move your legs, do some neck rolls. Something! Move! 3. Find a distraction. This could be a funny TV show, like "I Love Lucy" or "Friends" or whatever you find funny. You need to laugh! It could be an interesting old movie, think John Wayne or Jimmy Stewart, or Humphrey Bogart. Read a book, even if it is a comic book like "Calvin & Hobbes". Play a mind game on your computer or phone, think Tetris type games. Listen to calming music - the blues/jazz, Celtic, Big Band era, Southern Gospel, Old Country, Old time Rock-n-Roll. 4. Consult an expert regularly. Don't miss a doctor's appointment. Talk with a chaplain, or a pastor. Visit a counselor. Gary Roe is a great online counselor, who will chat and email. There are others, too. 5. Find a confidante. Preferably someone who has walked your path before you. Someone you trust with your darkest thoughts. This one can be difficult if you don't already have someone. Be careful opening your mind and heart to someone you don't really know. Test these waters with much care. 6. Spend time with family and with friends. These people knew you before PTSD knew you. This is a time in your life that you need to USE their knowledge of you, USE the love they have for you. Do not isolate yourself! 7. Increase your body awareness. Know your triggers. Know what the beginning of a PTSD flare up feels like. For me? My heart begins to race. My thoughts are swirling like a tornado in my head. My hands become sweaty, or severely cold all of a sudden and for no good reason. I get a sudden urge to either cry, or just start running like the wind. When you realize what the beginning of a PTSD flare up feels like, what can you do to alleviate it? To make it calm the hell down? 1. Remind yourself that YOU GOT THIS! You can do it! You can take control. 2. Take a deep breath thru your nose, hold it to the count of 3, let it out slowly thru your mouth. This forces oxygen thru your body, and it calms your breathing as well as your heart rate. Often I have found doing this several times will stop the flare up completely. I choose to focus on my breathing and the trigger loses its power over me. 3. Stop any negative thoughts & replace them with positive and rational ones. I keep a folder in my photo album on both my phone and my computer of positive encouraging memes. When the negative thoughts begin to scream at me, I open my photo gallery and I go to the folder marked "Fight like a girl" or "Life Wisdom". And I read them over and over and over again. Then I think about them, and let them take hold of my mind and heart. 4. Use positive reinforcing statements. "You got this!" "You can do this!" "I have PTSD but it does NOT have me!" "I am strong enough to handle it!" I also use Bible verses about trusting in God. Psalm 31 is one of my favorites. 5. Divert your attention. Again - read, watch TV, play a game, go for a walk, talk to someone. Find something to draw your attention away from PTSD and this particular flare up BEFORE a flare up! Have it ready. Install the game on your phone or computer. Keep the book handy. Have someone on speed-dial. Or keep their name at the top of your Messenger list. In my next blog post I will discuss HOW we came to have PTSD. As well as what the symptoms are. Until then ... YOU GOT THIS! Life isn't fair, nor is it easy. Especially when that final good-bye must be said. For me as a widow, any death takes me back to that fateful day of Rick's flying high moment. Even if I don't know the one who has just died. The helicopter crash on this past Sunday that took 9 lives, including Kobe Bryant and his daughter, shook me to the core. I felt that "golden hour" when the EMT's worked on Rick all over again. Every moment of that day replayed in my head on Sunday as though it were just happening. A few days ago a young man connected to our family thru marriage, 29 years old, took his life. The song, "How Do You Get That Lonely", by Blaine Larsen, played over and over in my heart for hours. There have been other deaths since the beginning of 2020. My heart is grieving. My soul is heavy. I feel the grief that others are now going thru. I feel their questions, the loss of hope, the emptiness they must now live with, their pain. And these 2 are especially close to my heart: My cousin Ruth. I got the message Monday morning at 1:04 a.m. that she had passed. Memories flooded my heart. She was 30 years older than me, so in many ways she was more like a beloved aunt than a cousin. Her son and I grew up together, and have remained best of friends thru the years. I will greatly miss knowing that Ruth was just a phone call away. She had the biggest heart to help, and a total no-nonsense, no-bullshit way, of telling you what was right or wrong. Yes, she will be forever loved & always missed. Nick, where do I begin? I haven't always known you, but the last almost 20 years makes it seem as though it has been forever. You were one of the many who called me "Momma". My heart is forever broken. I think about the times you would wrap me in your giant gentle bear hug, hold me close against you, and say, "Momma, I love you." I will miss that so much in the months and years to come. The way you teased Josh that you were my favorite son. The way you took Rick's hand in yours and shook it like a man. The honor you had for him. The love he shared for you. Again, thank you for being one of the first to call me when Rick died. I still hear your voice, of worry and concern for me. You told me, "Dad is in a better place, Momma, you know that. But are YOU ok? I'm 4 hours away, but I can leave work and be at your side in 2!" The joy and pride you had in your boys. Thank you for sharing them with me. Oh, Nick. I have loved you with a Momma's love since meeting you that very first time. I will always. You had that special way about you to make every girl, no matter her age or any thing else, feel like she was Princess of your heart & the only female in your life. I love you baby. Gone too soon. Never to be forgotten. Always to be loved. Sitting here this morning wondering what to write. I feel that I need to write something. Because I told Rick I wouldn't stop, I wouldn't give up - good days or bad, or simply indifferent ones.
Dessie had emergency gall-bladder removal surgery almost 3 weeks ago. She is doing good now. Received a good report from her doctor last Wednesday. Mandy had surgery on Thursday last week for the removal of 3 cysts on her scalp that had started growing and causing discomfort & pain to her. She returns to the doctor this Thursday for post-op check up and path report. Staying here in Sulphur Springs, where I was born and raised, where Rick was, too, and where we lived a great portion of our life together ... and where he died ... is different these days. Surrounded by friends, school-mates, & family ... and I have never felt so alone and lonesome! Thousands of miles away from here I felt closer to each one than what I do this trip here. I know that life goes on for everyone. I get that. I don't expect, nor ask, for anyone to change their life, nor to even interrupt their schedules for me. However, it would be nice to be included on occasion. Sigh. Sometimes I think I remind them that Rick is gone. If I am not here, it is easier to tell themselves that he is just working out of state, or still driving the truck. Or at the least to put his life & death out of mind, and not deal with their own loss and grief. And without me here they aren't put in a difficult situation of not knowing what to say, or how to deal with my grief. Hearing the stories of my Rick would bring such comfort and many smiles to my heart these days. If only his name is spoken it gives me hope that he has not been forgotten. But everyone seems to refrain from mentioning him - almost like they don't want to remind me that he's gone. Well, guess what? I know he's gone. I know he's not coming back. But I'm not gone. I'm still alive. And I'm here NOW. Doesn't seem to matter though. Driving on these highways and back roads makes the memories intense sometimes. Often makes a soft tear, but more often a big smile. I feel him here. I hear his voice, his laughter. All those late night and early morning rides. The Sonic runs. The trips to the parts store for a vehicle he was working on. Motorcycle rides all hours of the days and nights. God, I miss him! I miss our life. So thankful that we had the time together, and that we valued our times. I'm struggling with having a direction and purpose for my life. Staying with the kids, or with family/friends - it's different. Not being the "woman of the house", not knowing whether to cook or clean (I do, because I want to help as much as possible - but at the same time, I don't want to invade, interfere, or cause any friction). I miss having "me things" about me. I miss having a voice in decorating, cooking & cleaning. Makes me wonder ... But all I can do is wait ... hope ... pray. Speaking of praying. I have started that again. Praying for me. I have always prayed for others. But after Rick died, I stopped praying for me. But a couple of weeks ago, I returned to my roots of prayer. I know 2 things without question - *1. There is a God. *2. I am not Him. I must simply trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge Him. He has promised to direct my paths and make them straight. It also means trusting in HIS time. I pray that this waiting time will not be wasted time. As I wait to see what He will do with me, with my life, that I will work on ME - to become the best ME I can be, this age and this point in my life. Lord, Bless me ... and bless me Indeed - for Your will, Your purpose, Your praise. Every blessing that You give, I will turn back to praise to You. On the drive from Joshua's to Mandy's last Wednesday, I spent the time listening to music - all genre's. God really spoke to my heart thru some of those songs. I cried more that day than what I have cried in a long time. But they were HEALING TEARS. Oh so precious healing tears. I am so thankful for that 4+ hour drive. Makes me look forward to the trip back at the end of this week. My life is complicated right now. Perhaps it always will be. It's not okay, but yet it is. It's like everything is falling apart ... but falling together - all at the same time. I will forever miss Rick in my life. But I know he is in my heart. I have a greater sense of wanting to hear him say, "You've done good girl". My mind and heart are open to a 2nd chapter of Love and Life - but I am not going to spend my time searching and seeking that. I am believing that if there is a 2nd chapter for me - God already knows that, and HE knows who & when & how to make it all happen. I don't want to get in His way, nor do I want to miss anything He has for me - no matter what or who it is. And if there is not a 2nd chapter? Then HE Himself will be my constant companion and life partner. God is God. He created Eve from the rib of Adam and the dirt on the ground. He doesn't need me to interfere with this. :) I am simply going to stay open with my mind and my heart, and let HIM order my steps and direct my ways. Perhaps Rick will be allowed to have a small part in making it happen, if it is to be. That would make me smile even more. I'm working on my health. Being more careful with what I eat, and how much I eat. Also paying closer attention to WHY I am eating. For comfort? Reach out to someone. Read a book. Spend a little time in my prayer journal. For boredom? Reach out to someone. Read a book. Spend a little time in my prayer journal. Yes, I have changed the name of my blog to "Scattered Feathers".
Why? There is an old story, perhaps you have heard it, or some version of it. It goes like this: A woman, who was a known gossip, went to her pastor with a broken heart. She wanted to not only stop gossiping, but she wanted to correct all the wrongs that her gossiping had done to those in her life. The pastor listened intently, offered her a Kleenex or two, and when she had quieted, he said: "What I want you to do is to take a feather pillow with you, and go to the top of the highest hill just outside of town. When you get to the top of the hill, break open the pillow and let the winds take the feathers where they will. Then come see me tomorrow." The woman thought it was a very strange request, but assuming it had some message in it about forgiveness and letting go of the past, she did just as he said. The next morning, she was at his office before he came in. She told him that she had done exactly as he had requested. The pastor sat down. He was quiet for what seemed an extremely long time to her. Finally he raised his head, looked her in the eyes and said: "Now, go out there, find and gather every feather. Put them back into the pillow. Stitch it closed. Make it as good as it was before you did this." She looked at him with shock and distress. "I cannot do that! There is no way to know where the winds have scattered the feathers! And even if I could gather them all together, I ripped the pillow beyond repair." He listened to her objections. And quietly answered her: "No, you cannot do that. Neither can you return and make all right from where you have gossiped. The best you can do is to know the pain & hurt you have caused, and determine to never do that again. If perhaps the opportunity presents itself to make apologies, or in some way restitution? Then by all means, do so. But for the most part? You must let go of the guilt that plagues you, and commit to a better way of life from this heart beat forward." A couple of mornings ago, as I sat with a cup of coffee and my journal, I realized that my life has become much like those scattered feathers. When Rick died, it was as though my pillow had been ripped open and the winds took my thoughts, my dreams, my fears & hopes, my stuff, my very life - and scattered my feathers to where I cannot find them all again. No wonder I have felt a darkness, a hopelessness that has overwhelmed me. I have spent 4 years 8 months trying to gather my feathers and put it all back together. I can't. I'm done trying. My heart is weary. My body is exhausted. My mind is on burn-out. My soul & spirit are dry and beyond empty. All because I have been working so hard to pick up all my scattered feathers. I sat still, allowing the tears to cleanse my heart, soul and mind. I took a deep breath and accepted that I cannot gather my scattered feathers. But I can go from this point forward. Breathing. Living. Laughing. Loving. Doing the best I can do with this life I have been given NOW. Treasuring the memories of the life I had - before my pillow was ripped, before my feathers were scattered. Seeking wisdom and direction. Guarding my heart more carefully. In some way creating a new pillow, filled with new feathers. One that will give me strength and comfort, one that I can find rest upon. But no more spending futile hours and energies on working to gather the scattered feathers. I will trust those scattered feathers to God, and to Rick. My new year began 2 mornings ago, with a cup of coffee, a light shining in the darkness, and my journal. I've made a new resolve. I refuse to call it a resolution because those are soon laid aside. I'm putting positivity at the forefront of my life. Refusing to let people steal my joy. Retraining myself to respond differently to negativity if you will. You can too. Try it. Put the pen down. Don't give in to the urge to say it all again in a post or a blog or in conversation. It drags you right back into a dark place. Life is precious and it is short.
This was a message to me yesterday, from a trusted friend. While I can appreciate the thoughts, and even concur to some degree with what is said here, I must admit that it was the poor timing of the message that sent me spiraling on Christmas Eve into a pit of muck and mire - for the day, the evening, the night ... and has lingered still this morning. I think one GREAT mistake that we (widows & widowers) make is to assume that because someone else is walking this same path, they really "get" where we are, and that we can lean on them in a moment of weakness & extreme loneliness. Sadly, that is not true. A lesson that I am being taught over and over and over again this past year. Hopefully, this latest lesson has made me cross that line into accepting and passing - so that I might move forward ... to another lesson. Since returning to Texas I have been told multiple times "You just are not the same as before Rick died. It is so unfair that "she" has gone away, or basically died, so we have had to lose both you & Rick. You need to grow up, get over it all, and be that same Margaret that you were then." Time after time I have had to sit quietly, listen to the words spoken in anger & frustration, maintain my composure, and say quietly & softly - "You are right. That me is gone. She will never return. Because the me that I was with Rick? I was that me because of Rick, with Rick, supported and loved by Rick. Rick was more than just my husband. He was a part of me. The best part of me. He's gone ... and so is that Margaret." Then invariably I have excused myself, found a bathroom, and let the tears flow. Let the sobs wrack my body, and the migraine begin all over again. Wash my face. Dry my eyes. Take a deep breath. Re-enter and pretend that nothing has happened, no words have cut my heart asunder yet again. Waiting until I could find the time to write my thoughts out. I made the grave mistake yesterday morning, after being told this again, of reaching out as one drowning in raging waters, to a trusted friend, one who is on this journey of grief as well. A word of understanding and comfort with : "Chalk it up to "they know not what they say", because they don't. To which I replied, "Thank you for caring and for reminding me." Then, I receive the above message. Writing is therapy to me. It has been such for as long as I can remember. I wrote when I was but a child. I have thought long thru my life that writing the words was much better than saying the words, or allowing the emotions to manifest themselves in an attitude or action. Which is why the underlined parts of the above message were like daggers to the heart, the mind, the very soul, when I read them yesterday. I have been sternly spoken to about my writings these last 3 years, by this same one, time after time. (To which I have responded by writing another blog post!) What is so ironic to me about the words spoken by this one against my writings? Anytime, no EVERY time I write a post on social media, or share a darker meme (a life or grief meme), I get messages, texts & comments telling me how much my words, my sharing, has blessed them - even helped them to face putting their own grief and struggles into words. I have even pointed this out, only to be told - "Do whatever you want, you will anyway! But I don't like what you are writing & posting! If you insist on continuing, then I will simply unfollow you and refuse to read anything else that you write." Why has this bothered me? I searched my heart deep into the night, and again in the wee hours of the morning. My answer? My heart answer? Because I have respected this one, honored this one, trusted this one. With my heart, my very life. And these words are slowly and surely cutting the friendship asunder. Never once have I asked anyone to read my social media posts, and the only ones I have asked to read these blog posts are the ones who have requested that I let them know with each new blog. However, one that professes to love me as a friend, who tells me of undying support and encouragement, who has asked me to make them my "go-to" one for the gut punch moments of grief - - If it were me making these declarations of love, devotion & friendship? I would read anything and everything written by them in the hope of understanding their own path of grief, love, loss & life. And then it dawned on me about 1:48 a.m. on Christmas 2019 morning ... this one is not ME. As well as, I don't need the negativity in my life. Nor do I need the strangling hold on my emotions. Emotions come and emotions go - good, bad and indifferent. Emotions change - - because LIFE CHANGES. I learned a long time ago not to depend on my emotions. But to allow them for the sake of healing and learning and strength - for myself, and for lessons of life that others can learn from as well. I spent quite some time going back thru my social media posts yesterday, wondering just what negativity and/or darkness has offended this one, or could have offended anyone? 95% or more of my posts these last few months have been the feel-good or funny or tender hearted sharings. A few news stories scattered through. Puns galore. Pretty pictures, interesting facts. And yes, a few that are the cold & hard truths of this life as a widow. Now, to be honest? No one - NO ONE - knows all that I struggle with, that I have had laid upon my back & my heart these last 10 years. NO ONE. If you have read my postings on social media or have read my blogs - then you have an INKLING ONLY of the enormity of this grief & daily life that I have been handed. I think that is the most frustrating part of all this, of reading the message received yesterday. Just knowing HOW MUCH I HAVE NOT SHARED. Knowing what a battle it is with every smile, every laugh, every pun, every pretty picture, every positive post - - to keep the darkness & negativity of this life out of it all. Knowing that even with those trusted few that I have shared so much, and so deeply with, that even then only the surface has been touched. The depth has not been disturbed in any way to be shared. Those burdens are still carried by me ... ALONE. So saying all this ... to say this - - My final resolve is: *To continue on this quest to find and/or create Margaret. This "new" Margaret, who was Rick's wife for almost 35 years, who has now been his widow for 4 years 8 months, and who has yet to find a manual on how to do all this ... alone. *To continue with my writings. As therapy for my own heart & life. As a way that others can relate to, or use my words to explain where they are at on their own journey. *To no longer give time or attention to words from others about me NOT writing or NOT sharing. I struggle over every word I write, over every post I share. Nothing is done spur of the moment - not when it comes to my writings. *To no longer share on a personal level unless specifically asked ... and I have absolute confidence and trust in that person. No longer will I blindly share - Rick warned me about "casting my pearls before the swine". So I will heed HIS words and guard my heart even closer. *To continue to add to this Resolution List as time goes on. It's mine! As is this life. To the naysayers in my life: If you don't like something I write or share? SCROLL THE HELL ON BY! Christmas Eve's eve.
December 23, 2019 Also 4 years 8 months since I last saw Rick's eyes or heard his voice. The emptiness today is strongly felt by my heart & thoughts. In some ways I do not feel any better than I did 4 years ago. 4 years ago today I was here at my son's house. Facing the first Christmas without Rick. Today, I am here at my son's house. Facing the 5th Christmas without Rick. So much has changed in these 4 years. So much remains the same. I have lived these 4 years. Went to Kentucky to visit a friend, to help him with his granddaughter. And stayed for 3 1/2 years. Helping him with a start up business, building 2 websites, and working as unofficial office manager. Spent time exploring some of the historical places of Kentucky. Watched (and got hooked on) some great TV shows. Experimented in the kitchen - creating some recipes, tweaking others. Met some very interesting people, some that I hope will remain friends long beyond my trip to KY. And I have grown stronger as a widow in these 4 years. I know more now of what I can live with, and what I don't want to live without. I know more of what I want, and mostly what I don't want. Much of which I have written, and will continue to write, about here in the pages of this blog & website. I have spent money that I much regret. Yet, as the days are gone and I cannot recall them ... so is the money. So, since it does not good to "cry over spilled milk" (or spent money & time), I will take another deep breath and press on into this day, the rest of this month, and the coming New Year - with a renewed sense of what NOT to spend time and money on. I have gained friends who are more like family. I have lost family who are more like strangers now. And I have had friends flow into my life and then flow away - like the ebb of a tide. While I feel stronger as a widow, I also feel just as vulnerable, just as lost - as I did 4 years ago. I still do not know where to go, or what to do. I still have no answers for the rest of this life. I still feel very much out of options - due to lack of money. I know what I would love to do - but I don't know how to get there from here. I also know that I can do this life alone, but I don't want to. I would much prefer to have a companion, a friend, a trusted one - to share this life with, adventures, good days and bad times. Someone to hold hands with - yes, even in public. Someone who will smack my ass when I walk by, or who will wrap me in his arms kissing my forehead and making me believe yet again that life is good. Someone that I can pour out all this love that is inside of me on, who will let me spoil him like crazy. Someone who wants to sit out under the stars on a summer night and talk about life - past, present and future. Someone who will dance with me in the rain, and make me laugh when the tears are pouring down my cheeks. Someone who has ambition and desire to build a future together. Someone who isn't put off by my weirdness, but rather embraces me JUST AS I AM. Someone who respects and honors Rick, as well as the place he has in my heart & my life. Someone who will love and honor my kids - all of them - and the relationships that I have with them. Someone who will let me love their kids with all my heart. Will that 2nd chapter happen for me? Only heaven knows. If it does, God will orchestrate it. I'm too old to go "fishing". And if it doesn't? Then I had all of this and more, for almost 35 years with Rick. I guess that will have to be enough. This coming year of 2020 I hope brings with it a clarity for my life. That is the best I can do for now ... HOPE. I don't know.
If I had a nickel for every time this question has been asked of me in the last month since leaving Kentucky, I would be having a good lunch right about now! Sadly, the questions make me want to draw away from people ... because I don't have any answers. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. A month ago when I had to leave Kentucky suddenly and with the stern warning of never returning, it caught me off guard ... shook me to the core ... cut my heart into a million pieces once again ... and literally took my breath & ability to think away. In this month I have spent time with my kids and grandkids ... watched a couple of movies ... written a couple of blog posts ... talked with some friends ... discussed - or been discussed - with the authorities over all that happened in KY ... tried to sleep ... took a walk or two ... curled up for hours under a blankie ... had a couple of outings with the kids & grandkids ... drank more than a gallon of coffee ... and have spent hours upon hours thinking, wondering, trying to figure out the past - the present - and yes, the future. And here I sit, 4 more wake ups till Christmas Day ... then another 7 wake ups before New Year's Day 2020. Still no more answers than when I drove away from Paris KY - alternating between screaming how unfair it all was, and crying till Captain Jack shuddered. I know that money is not the answer to all problems, but I will say this - if I had the money I would have a better answer of what to do. But when the money isn't there ... well, it becomes more of a challenge to figure things out. Receiving the widow benefits puts me in a difficult situation, even while providing for a few personal needs. Not enough each month to live alone, but too much to qualify for any financial aid or help. Also limits what I can make by working. Yet, I have too much life left in me to just sit and do nothing. Sigh. I do not want to be a burden to my children & grandchildren. Nor do I want to be in the way, or interrupt & invade their lives. I know they love me, and I know they are willing for me to stay with them until I can figure it all out. But I feel an urgency to do just that, to come up with answers. I know more of what I don't want ... And even more of what I do want. But how do I get from where I am right now to even being on the road to there? I am going to take the rest of this year, 11 more days, to enjoy my kids & grandkids, to work on my websites, to read a book, to sleep, to savor my coffee, even try not to think too much. January 2020 will come and bring with it changes to my life yet again. For now? I simply need to REST. Most of these last 5 years I have spent my life trying to shrink myself.
Trying to become smaller. Not only in physical size, but in my very presence. Quieter. So that I don't talk too loud, or too much. So that I don't laugh too long, or cry too often. Less sensitive. Which is hard when I am an empathetic. Less opinionated. So that no one is offended by my convictions. Less needy. So no one needs to feel obligated to be with me, to put their life on hold for me. Less ME. Because I didn't want to be a burden to anyone, at any time. I didn't want to be too much to handle. Yet, hearing the whole "I can't deal with you when you are like this" comment more than once. I have only wanted to be loved, cared for, and valued. I have sacrificed myself all this time for the sake of making others comfortable & happy. I'm done. I realize now I should not change who I am in order to make someone else feel better about themselves, about their life, about their choices. It's not my job to change me to become someone else's idea of a woman, a friend, a potential girlfriend, a worthwhile human being. I am worthy. Worthy to be loved. Worthy to be valued. Worthy to be cared for. Not because anyone else thinks I am. But because I live and breathe and have existence in this life. I matter. My thoughts matter. My ideas & hopes matter. My fears & worries matter. My voice matters. With or without anyone's approval or permission! I will be who I am. I will speak my truth. Even if it makes someone angry. Even if it makes someone uncomfortable. Or if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink ME any longer. No longer will I allow others to make me feel guilty for not being stronger with the pain & grief that I carry daily. Our pain & grief is as individual as our life & love was before death changed it all. This is my battle, my heart, my journey. I choose to move at my own pace, whether anyone agrees or approves - or not! I choose to take up space - in a worthy manner, full of grace & dignity. I choose to honor my feelings & my thoughts. I choose to give myself permission to have my needs met, and a few of my wants granted. I choose to make ME a priority. I simply choose ME. There will be times I will choose silence. Because I am tired of fighting, tired of defending. I am tired of explaining my feelings, only to have them stomped on time after time. I am adapting to the changes in my life, and I don't want to complain - but it isn't an easy life, some days it takes all my energies just to breathe and survive. I am on a healing journey. Trying to move forward with all the grace & dignity that I can. |
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?You can read it here Past Posts
April 2023
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