but being brutally honest about this life ...
These words may sound scrambled, but then, so are my thoughts on this.
Today I will allow myself to miss making love.
Loving someone and being loved by someone.
I miss the thousand "building blocks" thru the day and evening.
The anticipation of a time after the day is done, to be free, to be unihibited, and enjoy one another.
When Rick died, that part of me died, too - or so I thought.
And now, these 3 years later, I find that the woman in me is still there, awake and alert.
Probably would have been better if she had died.
I can only be sad that she didn't.
I have tried (in vain, I will add) to quiet her.
However, she is wildly stubborn.
A word here or there aptly spoken and she listens well.
After 57 years of a life living to love - how the hell am I supposed to "change with the times"?
How do I distance my heart from the touches?
How do I not feel with my heart?
How do I simply enjoy the pleasure of the moment, knowing full well that without love, it will leave me empty and feeling useless.
I know my mind and my heart enough to know that I will not be haunted by the memories of our times together.
My heart is big enough to hold the memories in reserve, as well as to allow it to grow with experiences and life again now.
Rick told me a month before he died, "I want you to promise me that you will love again, and allow yourself to be loved. You are too young & too beautiful of a woman to be alone for the rest of your life."
(He was biased, by the way.)
I promised him that night as I lay in his arms and tears flooded both of us.
But he had no idea what he was asking ... nor did I know what I was promising.
Loving again is not hard.
My heart and my being have loved others my whole life.
So, to open my heart & my life and allow myself to love someone else so completely?
I could do with never a regret.
To walk forward in this life being loved by someone?
Sigh. Easier than these words are to write.
I have had others tell me that I am not ready to love if I still think about and miss Rick.
I call "Bullshit"!
I will always love and miss Rick.
He was a part of my life, my heart, my world, since I was 10 years old.
However, he is gone, and he is not coming back -
even tho I have cried a million rivers of tears wishing he would, or could.
I was left here to live this life.
And to love with all my heart.
Will life allow this to happen?
I guess only time will tell.
But, my heart & my mind are open to the possibility.
And yet, I hold my heart carefully guarded not expecting the probability of it.
The conflict within me - -
I know my worth.
I know my value.
Not in a vain or prideful sort of way.
But I know ME.
I know what I can bring to the table of a relationship.
And I know what I do not have to bring.
I also know my weaknesses, my faults and shortcomings.
As well as my strengths, my experiences, my wisdom.
I know that I do not fit the visual picture that so many are focused on.
Understanding - or should I say accepting - the standard of "love" in this day and age -
What "hope" do I have that love will come again to my heart and in my life?
Having said all of this, I breathe in and I breathe out.
I remember that I was loved.
I realize that many walk this earth, living this life, never knowing the love that I experienced for 35 years.
I long to be content with the memories.
If only the woman in me would shut the hell up.