Life is overwhelming more than I like to admit.
I try hard to keep looking on the "sunny side of life", searching for those secret moments that make my soul shine.
Allowing myself to miss one or two things each day.
Guarding my heart.
Being the "strong one".
After the last 6 weeks - Well, I'm simply tired.
So in this post, I will complain and whine.
Think I have earned these moments.
I'm tired of doing this life alone.
No, I am not on an island with no one around. I am surrounded by others each day.
But there is an aloneness that is deeper than being alone.
When you know that you alone are making the choices and decisions for your life, without even someone to talk things over with. Someone that will listen with an open heart and mind, then give you an honest opinion without judgment or condemnation.
When you know that no one is missing you - whether you leave the house, or the office, or the room. No one waits for your return.
When you know that the dream that wakes you at 2 a.m. or 3 p.m. will be remembered quietly, with no one to talk it out to … nor no one to hold you while the tears fall unbidden.
I'm tired of not having a vehicle.
No, I am not entirely afoot - due to the kindness of family and friends.
However, there is a freedom in having a vehicle of my own, an independence that I am tired of not knowing these days.
And tired of not having "me things" where I can at least get to them without causing an uproar in someone's home.
I'm tired of being sick.
Call it the "Memphis Crud", or the "lingering cough that refuses to abate", or whatever the hell name you want to call it - I'm sick of being sick! I want to feel better! The shortness of breath, the coughing, the ear ache, the pressure in the sinuses that make even my teeth hurt, the lack of taste - I'm tired of it all! It is wearing on me mentally and emotionally now.
For as long as I can remember, I have not been afraid of those who are sick. Always taking certain precautions, but never being paranoid. Now? I can feel the "wide berth" attitude seeping in. The urgency to protect my personal space & bubble - which just for the record is now at least 3 feet all the way around me!
The next person to cough on me, or sneeze in my face? God help them - because I will have NO mercy!
I'm tired of not being wanted.
I keep pushing forward, no matter what.
But there are weary moments that I really feel like curling up and just not being.
(And wouldn't that in some ways be better on others? At least then I would not be in the way, wouldn't be interfering or invading their lives. Sigh.)
We all have 2 basic needs - to be needed, and to be wanted. It's not so hard to find that place in life where you are needed, to find a need and fill it. But to find yourself in a place where you are wanted? For friendship, for companionship, wanted in all ways ... that is where the struggle, and the loneliness, lies. Because you can't make being wanted happen. And when the realization dawns that you aren't wanted ... well, that is a "thing" that cannot be explained.
I'm tired of this skin hunger.
I'm not talking about sex either.
Skin hunger for the light touches as you pass by one another. A touch of the hand. A pat on the butt. A forehead kiss. A sweet hug that simply says, "I care about you". A neck rub. A back scratch.
Those skin-on-skin touches that mean so much when given and done … and that leave such an emptiness to the soul when they aren't there.
I'm tired of not having even a corner to call my own. A place for "me things" to be about me.
I don't have that much stuff left after all that I lost when Rick died.
But what I do have is mine, and I miss being able to see it, touch it, and use it.
I don't need a big place … just a corner that is for me.
I'm tired of feeling like I am either "not enough" or just "not good enough".
I am a good woman. With a heart filled with love. With a soul that yearns to laugh.
I work hard. I play harder.
I have a dark and often times perverted sense of humor.
I also have dreams and hopes … fears and worries … thoughts and opinions … ideas …
Things that no one has dared, or cared, to ask about.
I'm tired of hearing that I am "depressed", or "too happy", or "too withdrawn", yet "too intrusive".
That I "care too much", or that I "don't care at all".
That I "love too hard", or perhaps that I "don't love anything anymore".
That I comment too often on Facebook, or don't comment often enough.
That I say the wrong things using the wrong words at the wrong times.
That I don't dress stylish enough, or that I dress too well.
I'm tired of hearing that I am too loud … or that I am too quiet, that "you aren't acting like yourself".
Being judged that I am wallowing in the grief, when I am remembering - JUST LIKE others do. (Why am I wallowing, and they are not? Hmmmm)
Simply that I think more of myself than I ought to think.
I'm tired of the list of accusations that never end.
I am grieving, realizing that grief will never go away, nor take a holiday.
But I am also going forward with my life.
I will continue to laugh until I cry, and then I will cry until I laugh again.
I am a bit angry - think that goes with the territory of grief and loss.
I am a little scared - thinking that goes with having more questions than answers, and dealing with it all alone.
I neither have time nor energy to try and please everyone.
Hell, I don't have time nor energy to try and please anyone!
I have never been one to play such games, so why start now?
I do not seek anyone's approval for my life, nor for my actions and reactions.
I don't ask for anyone to defend me (like they would anyway), nor to stand up for me.
I learned a long time ago, even before Rick died, to stand on my own 2 feet - either to sink, or to swim … alone.
I am breathing.
Taking one moment at a time.
Learning to be in love with the secrets of this life.
Looking for that "peaceful easy feeling".
So, yes, I am tired.
And now? I am tired of all this whining & complaining. Lol
I dry my eyes …
I straighten my crown …
and I walk on into this life as the Alone Queen that I am becoming.