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It’s been a few days since I have written It’s also been an uphill and downhill kind of week. Struggles and trials. Victories and defeats. That’s all part of life, isn’t it? A week of reading and researching, and then times of pushing it all away because I am sick of it all! So many exercises I cannot do because of my physical limitations. So many foods that I cannot have because honestly? I cannot afford them! Reading about the diet programs and all their success stories Found myself at one point wondering if my doctor would just approve me for an emergency weight loss surgery - maybe that would be the easiest thing to do. But then, I remember. I remember why I started this blog I remember. There are those who have struggled, as I have, with their weight off and on throughout our lives We are tired, weary, discouraged We have fought a hard fight We still fight - - without the money to buy into the diet programs or pills - without the money to even buy the healthier foods - without the doctors to sign off on weight loss surgery - or even if we do find a doctor who is ready, willing and able, the insurance and cost of the surgery weighs heavy against us, and we can’t. You need Hope. I need Hope. You need encouragement and support. I need encouragement and support. Can better health be achieved by prayer, more careful eating of what we can afford, and doing the exercises that we can do? What if I don’t lose this weight, but I feel better? Is that something that I can live with? What if I don’t lose this weight, but I look better in the mirror to me? Can I live with that? I know people who are overweight, extremely overweight according to all the charts, yet they are some of the most beautiful people on earth! People who are extremely overweight, but they are comfortable in their own skin, and they exhume happiness and deep seated Joy. I want that. No matter what the scales say. That’s a number. I want the beauty of a life well-lived. Lived with passion and kindness. Lived with integrity and holiness. I want to be comfortable in my skin - regardless of what size shirt or pants I wear, regardless of what the charts scream. I want the Joy of being happy. Joy is like a river, how many times have I heard that? Looking at a river, I begin to understand it. That river is constantly moving forward, even if I can’t see it. Even when the top of the river looks like frozen glass to me. It is moving underneath. The current propels it forward. That’s Joy. Happiness, well it comes and goes in life. Just like the top of the river. Sometimes still and quiet. Sometimes raging in anger. Sometimes that gentle, soothing, rolling on by. I have learned a few lessons this week that I would like to share here in the next few days: First up: I am a master of getting in my own way. *In 1775 Samuel Johnson said, "Sir, hell is paved with good intentions." How correct he was. - every morning I sit here at the computer, writing in my journal. And every morning, I determine my good intentions for the day. Before the day is over, sometimes earlier and sometimes later, those good intentions become paving stones to my own private Hell of frustrations, irritations and disappointment in myself. Because I stumble and fumble, I falter and I fail. I eat too much. I don’t drink enough water. I don’t do enough exercises. I walk so fast and hard that my heart feels like it is going to literally explode inside my body. And I close out the evening, miserable yet again. *Too often I mindlessly turn to social media, most often Facebook, as a way to distract me from what is going on around me. And for me, that usually means the silence and the aloneness that I find myself in as a widow living alone. Or I get lost, episode after episode, in the old comedies, such as Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, Hazel, I Love Lucy, etc. There is nothing wrong with watching them, even to set aside an afternoon here and there to binge watch. BUT to watch them while I am eating lunch? That MUST STOP!!! I get lost in the episodes, and I don’t pay close attention to the food that is in front of me. Before I have realized it, or changed it, I have eaten too much. So beginning yesterday, NO TV watching while I cook or eat. Today, as I ate, I thought, “This isn’t fun. It’s too quiet. It’s too lonely.” But I realized that yesterday & today, I tasted the food, and I did not over-eat. I paid attention. *I have allowed the pain and discomfort that comes with doing exercises to keep me from doing them. So rather than do so many that I feel the pain? Right now, I am focusing more on loosening up the arthritis. A few stretches 2 or 3 times a day. Sometimes the leg stretches, sometimes the upper body stretches. When I feel pain or discomfort, I am stopping. There will come a time for me to push passed all that, but that’s not right now. *I have also allowed the thoughts and wonderings what others are thinking of me, what they see when they look at me, what they might say to me that is negative, to keep me from doing what I know is good and right. I can only do what I should do. And if they have something negative to think or say? That’s on them. At least I am not sitting on the couch eating bon-bons! Losing weight is not all about changing the way I eat and move. It begins in the mind and the heart. Conquering the negative thoughts and choices. Looking at me more like I want to be looked at. Looking at myself more like God looks at me. These are all questions and thoughts that I have had this week. Still working on the answers ;) 
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4 days later, and I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER!!! It was not a complete “fasting” period, But a definite resting period. For my mind. My spirit. My gut. It was somewhat of a challenge the first day or so to not think about food. The years of life have conditioned me to think, think, always think about food - - what am I going to cook for lunch or supper? When do I need to start it? Do I need to lay something out for it? - and the slightest twinkle in my tummy, meant it was time to think about what to eat. Would it be a snack, or a meal? - always scrolling thru recipes, trying to find nutritious and interesting ones. Ones that I actually had the ingredients for, or could afford to buy. - on and on an on. Some reason to always think about food. I have done the complete water fasting for up to 3 days before, but this time, I wasn’t trying to do that. I needed my gut to reset, and I needed to break the habit of “what am I going to eat next”. Each morning, I drank about 24-30 oz of water when I got up. - then I enjoyed my coffee. Yes, I use creamer in my coffee. No, it’s not sugar free. After 2-4 cups of coffee, I either cleaned the apartment, or did some exercises. - stretching exercises, upper and lower body. Walk in place, cause the weather wasn’t pleasant to go outside. Then, sometime between noon - 2 p.m. I sat down on the futon, with the heating pad on my back for comfort more than for pain relief, and a neck pillow, covered up with my blankie that I made from Rick’s old t-shirts, feet on a foot stool ... and I spent 1-3 hours just being still and quiet. I napped once or twice. Once I simply sat there with my eyes closed. I put a movie in once that I have seen like a gazillion times, and let it play quietly while I rested. Get up, take my vitamins with either a small glass ( 6 oz ) of juice, sweet tea, or milk. By this time, 4 p.m. or so, I was hungry! Lol But not wanting anything heavy in my gut thru the evening, I decided on a cup of potato soup. - I took about 1/2 - 3/4 cup of 2% milk, heated it in the microwave, then added enough instant potatoes to make it thicker, almost like a gravy. Added 1 slice of Velveeta cheese (a bit of protein), and enjoyed. - I had some grape tomatoes that I didn’t want to lose, so I allowed myself 4-6 of those each day. - and I ate 2 small dill pickles (the baby one) on 2 different days. - on Saturday, I added a few real bacon bits to my potato soup. Yesterday, I did not want potato soup, so I had a small can of cream of chicken soup for lunch. By the evening time, I was feeling much better, and very empty. So, I took 2 of the Gorton fish fillets (1 serving) and cooked them - - and cooked some fresh spinach in a skillet with a little butter. I actually left the spinach longer than I intended, and all the liquid had cooked out. It was just turning a little brown and crunchy around the edges when I got back to it. I had put 3 pepperconi peppers in the skillet too. OMW!!! I don’t think spinach has ever tasted SOOOO Good!!! And for the first time in a while, I enjoyed not only the cooking but the eating! I didn’t think a lot about the food before fixing it, nor did I over eat. It was, to say the least, very refreshing. I also found out that by doing this, water tasted better, rest was deeper, & I slept better than I’ve slept in a very long time. Oh, and I lost 5 pounds!!! I feel strongly that my mind has gotten back on track, with a clearer focus, to what I need to be doing. And spiritually? Oh my! I have enjoyed reading my Bible and devotionals, the words seem to fairly jump off the pages! So, to say that I needed this would be the understatement so far of 2021! LOL It has been such an incredible experience and reset that I am going to do this at least once a month! It is so well worth it! One thing I have decided thru this - The scales are only a guide. Like the white lines on the road when we are driving. I had gotten pretty hung up on the numbers, being frustrated with not seeing a great difference no matter what I was or not doing - especially when going back over my journal entries for the last year! But in this, yes, I lost 5 pounds, but only 5 pounds - yet I feel so much better!!! Do I really care what the scales say, if I feel better? If I feel more like doing my housework, or spending time with my grandkids, or going for a walk, or just doing exercises - what difference does the number mean? Little by little ... even in our thinking!  The last 2 days I have had 2 gallbladder attacks. I don’t think it’s because of what I’ve eaten, because I have tried to be “good”. I think it’s mainly stress over the cigarette smoke and the way it has affected my body. But just to make sure, and to give myself a clean start again - Nothing but liquids for 4 days, beginning today. - allowing for my coffee, of course ;) - water, water, water!!! - 2 glasses of milk per day - I do have some protein shakes if I feel like I am getting shaky from not eating - I can’t have any of the artificial sweeteners, so it will either be unsweet tea, or nothing. I know a lot of people like unsweet tea. But not this Southern girl, lol. I like my sweet tea!!! So, water it shall be ;) lol Just need to get my gut empty and reset. As well as not put any more stress on my body than what it’s under with fighting the 2nd hand smoke. Then, come Monday, I will re-introduce foods slowly. - will begin with soft foods, and less than 1/2 of what I have been eating at a time. I’ve done a lot of research into the plan/program in preparation for weight loss surgery - - I am not going to have weight loss surgery. But why not follow the plan? So, here I go. ☺ I will be sharing my research in the next couple of blog posts. And keep in mind, this is not for everyone - but it is for ME!!! Anyone who wants to lose weight and get in better shape MUST find what works for them!!! - be it a diet plan or program - a strict exercise program - weight loss surgery - diet pills, under a doctor’s supervision What works for YOU? ? ? I cannot guarantee that this will work for me, but I have to at least give it a shot, and time to see if it works. I am almost 60 years old. Tired, too tired, of yo-yo’ing. So this is it for me. I really don’t want to be FAT the rest of my life. So, with grit and determination, I’m choosing this OR. Adding much prayer and stubbornness into it. LOL Please, tell me what has worked for you - or what is working for you now. Let’s join forces and DO THIS THING!!!  It’s been a few days since I have written and shared anything. I apologize. Let me explain. I live in a duplex. I do not smoke. In fact, I am highly allergic to cigarette smoke. I suffered horribly for 19 years when I was a kid at home, growing up with a dad who smoked, with 2 sisters and a brother who smoked, with many family members who smoked. - Thankfully our old house was so “open” that seldom was I caught in a room of smoke. I could almost always find a place to breathe. - I remember many times sitting at my open window in the winter time, gasping for air, my eyes swelling shut and the tears rolling down my face. - I took so much medication for headaches back then! It’s a wonder I don’t still rattle when I walk! - Momma said it was only sinus headaches, brought on by the cottonwood trees that grew on our place. When Rick and I married, he was a smoker. But as soon as he saw what the 2nd hand smoke was doing to me? He stopped smoking in the house. And struggled for years to quit all together. Finally doing just that. All these years, I have tried to respect the rights of a smoker. - They have the right to choose. And they have the right to smoke. Even to enjoy it, as I know many do. But, I also have a right. - to breathe fresh air, especially in MY own home (even if it is 1/2 of a duplex). So, anyway, back to why I haven’t posted in several days. Migraine headache. Eyes that have swollen and teared down my face almost constantly. Throat burning like it’s on fire. Ears aching and feeling like someone is jabbing a knife down into them. Sick to my stomach. No. It’s not the Covid-19. Because I left the apartment on Monday, went to town to pick up groceries. - I was gone from the apartment for about 3-4 hours. I was fine. NO problems. Even the headache was gone!!! - I came back in, unloaded the groceries, and within about 30 minutes, headache slammed me! Along with all the other effects. Then yesterday, I got out of the apartment and went over to see my son and his bunch. - again, I was gone for about 3-4 hours. I was fine. NO problems. Headache was gone within an hour of leaving. Not too bad thru the evening and night. But then ... this morning about 6:30 a.m. BAM! So thick in here that I lost my breath, my throat started closing up, eyes swelled, tears started, chest hurting, coughing and gagging The only relief is to breathe into a Kleenex I turned the AC unit on, just the fan, hoping it would help to filter the air Lit 2 candles And opened the window, even though it is 28* outside! Sitting here with my feet on an heating pad, and one on my back, drinking hot coffee as fast as I can to stay warm - fully dressed, jacket on and covered up with a blanket. Whew! So, no offense to smokers, this SUCKS!!!  Living in a age of “instant” everything makes it more of a challenge (difficult challenge at that) to be patient with the little by little OR choices. Everyone wants the faster Internet speeds, the latest & greatest phones which will connect and social media in super-time. And when the “wheel of death” begins to circle on a video that we want to watch, we are ready to chunk that $1000 phone thru the window! We get impatient if we must wait in a drive thru line for more than 2 cars ahead of us. Or if the light doesn’t turn green before we get there. How does it feel to be put on hold when making a phone call? Do you find yourself getting irritated when having to count down with the microwave? We all do. We have become an instant society. No patience for waiting. No tolerance for little by little. So, yeah, we sure don’t want to wait for weight loss! Eat that diet plan for 2 days - then get on the scales. If you don’t see a dramatic loss, do you stick with the plan? I haven’t. Do the exercises or take the walk for a couple of days. Clothes don’t fit looser? Give it up. Yep. Guilty. But this time, I’m done. I have chosen the OR Wait it out Little by little Stacy Blair said, “The most important aspect of weight loss is sustainable change.” - Oh, and if you have not read her story? Please! Click HERE and do so!!! Talk about encouraging and inspiring!!! I am 59 years old. I have gone up and down with my weight my whole life, even as a child. I’m tired. Weary to the core. NO MORE. Doing this now is for ME. To look better to my own eyes when I see my reflection, or when I see a picture of myself. To feel better. Because of past times with losing the weight, I know without a doubt or question that I will feel better to be shed of this “extra person” that I am carrying around with me. And my personal goals? - I want to walk into a store and buy a shirt that isn’t 4X! Or a pair of pants that at the largest is an XL! - I want to be able to take a walk with my grandkids, and keep up with them! - To climb in my truck without having to use an added step. - To be able to go up a set of stairs without having to stop and deep drag on breath every few steps. - To have so much room in the seat belt that it is noticeable to me. - To not be ashamed at the way my face looks in a selfie pic - and most of all right now? I want to go in to see my doctor for my check up in July 2021 and have her not know me!!! LOL I don’t mind looking 60 years old, I’ve worked hard and survived a whole lot to get here! I just don’t want to act older than my 60! In fact, I want to be able to act and move like much YOUNGER! It’s up to me I choose the OR’s When I am hungry - do I dive right in and eat till my tummy is extended with fullness OR do I drink a glass of water first, then eat a sensible portion of food, considering how many steps I need to take to cover that food? When I am tired - do I sit on my butt while watching a movie and videos OR do I drink a glass of water first, then watch a 15 minute video of chair cardio while DOING those exercises? Then, I can watch some fun videos, a movie even. When I am bored - do I go to the kitchen and rummage around for something to eat OR do I drink a glass of water first, then find something constructive to do? Another round of chair cardio? A book to read? A puzzle to work on? A blog to write? A walk to take? Call or message a friend? Every day we have a hundred, maybe more, OR moments. What will you choose today? Will you join me in the OR? Little by little?  Whew! This has been a tough week! Sometime Sunday afternoon a headache came against me. I fought it best I could. But to no avail. The night came and I laid on what felt like a block of concrete. Then, a migraine headache from HELL overwhelmed me on Monday. I have headaches a lot, always have. I don’t remember a time before having headaches. Mostly due to sinus/allergies, or stress. When I was about 18 I went to Six Flags over Texas with a church group, and we rode The Shock Wave. Which messed my neck up horribly! I spent a week in the hospital with all kinds of specialists working over me, tests were run, I was sent to a brain specialist in Dallas. Suspected brain tumor, or brain cancer. But, it was all because of severe pinched nerves in my neck. And those nerves flare up ever so often, making me have horrendous headaches. I am also highly allergic to cigarette smoke, since I was a little girl, and when I breathe it in - well, a sinus infection sets in. Even though I have had some #10 headaches in the last few years, it has been a LONG time since the wavy spot and bright lights. Sitting at my computer Monday morning, writing in my prayer journal and enjoying a cup of coffee - And BAM! There appeared a spot about the size of a half-dollar that was like looking thru a glass of water. It was on the left side of my left eye, and when I tried to look directly at it, it would move up. It grew larger and larger. When it was about the size of the top of a coffee cup, the broken and brightly colored lines appeared all around the edges. It continued to grow. This lasted about 30-45 minutes. Then, it just went away - as quickly as it had come. A breath of relief. Short breath. Because then the absolute WORST headache I have had in the last 7 or so years hit me. The nausea began as well, with a mouth of what tasted like hot salt water. (I don’t throw up very easy, takes a LOT to make me. But oh the nausea HURTS!!!) I made it the 5 ft from the computer over to the futon. No noise at all in the apartment. I have a neck pillow that I now am in love with - and I put it behind my head. Gingerly got the blanket I made from Rick’s t-shirts and covered up with it. And I forced myself to swallow carefully and slowly. As well as to breathe deeply in and let it out as slow as I could. At some point, I fell asleep. A couple of hours later I woke up, cold and shivering, yet feeling hot. Temp was 98.9 - so that’s ok. Headache was down to about a 10 at this point. And most of the nausea had subsided. I opened a can of cream of chicken soup, heated it and ate it slowly with a few crackers and cheese. The rest of the day was pretty much spent on the futon until my back was hurting too bad, then set in the desk chair with the heating pad on my back until I felt like I was going to fall out of the chair - so back to the futon. Bedtime came early. Just too exhausted to make it past 9 p.m. Tuesday I just felt weak and weary. Wednesday I was feeling better, but the headache was a dull roar. Literally a roar that I could hear when the apartment was all quiet. Today, I felt like taking a shower, hoping the hot water on my head would make it feel better, and that soreness from the headache was gone enough that I could enjoy the shower. So, at least I am clean now, LOL. Still feeling some pain and pressure when I move certain ways. Ears are still hurting, especially the left one. And I feel like there is a band around my head that is tight then loose, then tight again, oh wait, it’s loose. No - tight. It’s been a doozie of a headache this trip around! I haven’t been doing a lot this week, because of the headache. Well, except for thinking. Thinking of the choices I have - the OR’s in my life. One of them being that because of the headache, I didn’t feel like doing a lot of exercises this week - But I also didn’t want to just sit. So, I typed in “chair exercises” on YouTube. And I have done some of them. Modified mostly because of pain. But stretching! I could either sit and wait the headache out OR I could do what I can do, but not push myself to pain. I chose OR. One thing it has reinforced in me: I am overweight and out of shape! LOL Which led me to another OR. I can be discouraged and frustrated, just give up! OR, I can press forward! Do as much as I can do without the pain, rest, and do some more. I choose OR. Remember, little by little choosing my OR We are going to choose one OR the other It’s up to us which one we reach for. After doing the chair cardio workout this morning, something hit me like a Jethro-slap (NCIS, LOL) This is going to help me NOT over-eat! Why would I put myself thru these exercises, only to negate all of it by overeating? Breathe on me, O Breath of God! Refresh me, renew me And revive me! Take me forth into the rest of this day Moment by moment Step by step Walk with me Talk with me And when it is time to rest, help me to do so with the thought to get up and do more! ;) When it is time to eat (if), help me to do that with the thought to fuel the body, no more! ;) In Jesus’ Name I ask Thank You God for helping me, for being with me, for knowing me and for understanding me I love You Oh how I love You!!! Blessed be the Name of the Lord!!! The Lord, my Plan-Maker, my Way-Maker The Lord, my Keeper The One Who holds me ((( )))  Not everyone has the same life. Not everyone weighs the same. Not everyone needs to lose the same number of pounds. Not everyone can do every exercise. Not everyone has the same food in the house. Not everyone serves the same number of people, nor eats the same number of times per day. These, and more, should be a given. But, when you are reading the diet plans and programs? You, or at least I did, find yourself feeling inadequate, falling short, failing before beginning. For me? I rarely eat breakfast. I usually only eat one meal, and one snack (maybe) per day. I am a Coffee Queen - it’s addicted to me, so I must rule, right? I cannot afford a lot of the ingredients in most of the “healthy” recipes that I find - - sometimes I can’t even FIND those ingredients, because I do not live in a big city where there are many shopping choices. I am only ONE person, and there’s just not a lot of inexpensive meals that can be cooked for only 1 person - well, that are nutritious and enjoyable to eat. Having arthritis and injuries makes me unable to get in some of the positions used in the exercises. Where I live currently there are about 9 steps to go down (and back up), which to some people do not sound like many - but when faced with the physical limitations that I find myself with at this time? - those are mountains to be climbed when coming back up! Also, where I live, while a gorgeous location on the west side of Possum Kingdom Lake in Texas, there is a hill to go down before getting to the county road. Which means, after walking on the beautiful & quiet county road, I must climb the hill to get back to the mountain of steps before I can enter the apartment. Again, my physical limitations. So, more often than not, when reading and researching for help, guidance and instruction on how to lose the weight and get in shape, I find defeat FIRST. Which leads me to this blog. I can choose to stay defeated. OR I can take the time, weed thru all that I cannot afford, or cannot do, and get to what I can afford, and what I can do. I choose OR. So what are my physical limitations? 1. To start with, being overweight. 100 pounds. Not because that is what a chart tells me. Not because that is what I have been counseled at being. I remember when I weighed in at 175 - 200 pounds. I looked good - to me. I felt good - to me. The charts still said I was overweight. But then, the charts all say I should weigh about 125 pounds! If I weighed in at that I would look like a literal skeleton with skin stretched taunt over it. NO. Not going for that look. 2. Out of shape. Years of neglect to my own self care have led me to where I find myself. I spent a lifetime taking care of others, and putting myself last. Always last. 3. Arthritis. I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis when I was 23 years old. I was told then that it was the more severe kind that advanced rapidly. The doctor said, “Margaret, if you stop moving and doing, you will be in a wheelchair in less than 6 months.” I have never stopped moving and doing. Still haven’t. Although now I cannot move or do as much, nor as quickly, often not as long, as I have always been able to do. 4. At my last lab report, the marker for rheumatoid arthritis is at the highest without crossing the threshold of diagnosis. Doctor said that while she cannot “pronounce” the diagnosis, she was warning me that it is a very real possibility. Which could be the explanation for the increased pain, and the way my hands and feet are beginning to look. 5. My right knee has little to no cartilage left in it. I severely tore the ligaments that surround the knee cap. I had a Baker’s cyst at the back of my knee for the last 30 odd years, but it exploded in one moment about 18 months ago - creating damage within and around the knee. There is a “rare liquid” in my ACL. Ortho said that while I am a good candidate for knee replacement, he hesitates and would like to push it out for as long as possible, because a knee replacement has a life expectancy of 10-12 years, and a person can only have 3 in a lifetime. He said that would put me around 89 years old without any options, and with my overall health, that would not be fair to me. So, wear a knee brace, and work on building up the muscles above and around the knee - little by little. And above all? BE CAREFUL TO NOT FALL OR TWIST IT! 6. 8 years ago I had uterine cancer. The most aggressive kind. After the path report came back my GYN and Oncologist both told me (with neither knowing the other had said it) that had I not had a radical hysterectomy I would have had maybe 6 months of life left, and it would have been an excruciating 6 months. But, during surgery, the oncologist had to remove so many of my lymph nodes and veins surrounding everything that he said there would be a lingering side effect. Most people’s blood goes from heart to big toe and back to heart in less than 5 seconds. Mine takes about 30 seconds. Which means that my legs, ankles and feet swell if I am up on them too long at a time, or if I sit for too long a time. Not just swell a little, either. Then, if the swelling doesn’t go down, they begin to weep. So, I am up and down a LOT in a day. 7. I have no cartilage in my shoulders due to an accident in 1995 with being trapped between an iron gate and a 1500 pound cow. She wasn’t giving, neither was the iron gate. The only thing left was me! Ortho said at the time that it had literally squeezed all the cartilage out of my shoulders to the point that they are bone on bone. He said at the time that I only had about 75% use of my shoulders left, and that over time it would decrease. 8. My right thumb has literally fallen off my hand. It’s out of joint. Surgery is not an option, because there’s nothing he can do to fix it. He said that it shows “marked over-use”, basically it is worn out! So, I also wear a hand brace. I did not share this info to garner sympathy. Only to say that when looking at exercise programs, these things are not taken into consideration by the trainers and leaders. Which again, leaves me feeling abandoned, alone, and defeated more than not. And that leads me to a choice. Stop. Quit. Allow the limitations to take control. End up with no range of motion. OR Figure out a way to get some exercise and walking every day, limber up, move as much as I can until I can do more - then do MORE. I choose OR. This is about finding what works for me. Perhaps it will encourage and help you to find what works for you, too. Join me?
Thank You God for Your Amazing Grace. God, You know what my needs are, and what my wants are You know what is best for me. And You are able, more than capable, of doing exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever think about, imagine, or ask for. And God, in the same way - You know this body, What my aches and pains are What has made me overweight and out of shape, As well as what keeps me there God, You know what will help me be better than I am God, I am willing to trust You. Asking only that You will show me what to do, and teach me how to do it. In Jesus’ Name Thank You God I love You Blessed be the Name of the Lord!!! Jehovah Jireh (Yahweh-Yireh) - The Lord will Provide Jehovah Makkeh - The Lord Who disciplines You Jehovah (Yahweh) Rapha - the Lord Who heals You God, I have read and searched and researched on diets and exercise programs Everyone wants $$$ But what happens when someone needs a healthier life, and they greatly desire a better body - but they don’t have the $$$ for plans and programs and such? - like me. Maybe that’s where I come in ? I have the time and ability to research things out With Your help to come up with something that will actually work Take a little from here and there, add a LOT of prayer - And then, if it works for me? Give it away. I ask for wisdom. And strength. God, here I am Just as I am Crying out to You In Jesus’ Name Thank You God I love You Blessed be Your Name!!! The Lord, my Plan-Maker, my Way-Maker The Lord, my Keeper The One Who holds me ((( 💗 ))) Today, I am: 59 years old. Overweight. Out of shape. Frustrated. Discouraged. A body of pain, where every move I make hurts. And every breath I take seems to be done with some degree of discomfort. 106 days until I turn 60 years old. I have tried diets and programs Spent money, wasted time I have yo-yo’ed with the weight my whole life. I have cried a river of tears thru the years. And here I am. At a crossroads I can either just give up, stop all the craziness and accept the body I have gotten OR I can take a deep breath and decide that this is NOT the way I want to spend the remaining years of my life. I choose the latter. The OR. I started this blog with the prayer I found myself praying this morning From a soul of despair and weariness. This will continue to be my prayer as I work and walk my way thru this There may come a time when I must accept that I cannot lose the weight, I will not get in shape But that is not today. So today, I choose the OR. My Bible reading took me to Exodus 23:30 this morning “Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased and possess the land.” My OR is going to stand on this Promise from God. And even if I don’t lose the weight, I will no longer be dominated by food, or the struggle Nor will I be controlled by what anyone says I should look like - society, movies, books, magazines, celebrities, coaches, trainers This is MY life Whatever happens, it has to be something that I can actually afford and live with And what Honors God. If you have never watched “Facing the Giants”, please as soon as you can - do so! I have already started making little by little changes in my life, before starting these writings and sharing. : I went from drinking carbonated drinks as my drink of choice - multiple times per day ... to rarely having a carbonated drink these days. About the only time I have a carbonated drink now is if my tummy is sick and nothing, absolutely nothing, else works to calm it. Then, I will relent and drink a Sprite - well, sip on it. When I had Covid-19 in October 2020, I drank 6 Sprites. No, let me correct myself - I poured up 6 Sprites in a month’s time. But then, I poured out most of each one. I sipped on each one as needed, until my tummy calmed and quieted, then down the drain the rest of them went. It was not a “cold-turkey” decision. It was “little by little” . Where I was drinking a soda every time I was thirsty, I made the decision to only drink one with meals. Then I chose to only drink one a day. Then only 1 every other day. Then 1 a week. Then allowed myself 1 only on special occasions. Finally finding myself without a desire to drink one, so it was easier to say “no thank you” when offered. It took about 6 months to get me thru the little by little on it. But I found the less I drank the sodas, the better I felt, and the less swelling in my hands and legs. : I also went from eating salt on literally everything, to rarely using salt at all. And when I do use salt these days? It is the pink Himalayan salt. Takes less, and tastes better, to me. : After doing the little by little on sodas, I realized I was drinking sweet tea and sweet lemonade instead of the sodas. I thought about it, and decided that if I could do the little by little on the sodas, then why not do the same on the sweet drinks? And I have. I still allow myself one glass of sweet tea once a week - and I enjoy it! On occasion I will drink the lemonade, but then I don’t have my glass of sweet tea. If I am sick, like I was in October 2020 with Covid, I will drink fruit juice - as a way to flush my system. : I have also stopped cooking cakes, pies, and cookies. Too easy for me to eat “just one” that always turns into MORE than “just one”. So now, if I am craving something sweet, and fruit doesn’t satisfy - I will buy ONE cookie, or ONE slice of pie, or ONE slice of cake. It’s more expensive that way, yes. But that also helps me decide if it is really worth the $ just for the taste. More than not? It’s NOT! : The only bread I will eat now is an occasional roll - like if I am at someone’s house and it is part of the meal. Or my cornbread - which I only cook maybe once a month these days. : If I have dressing for a salad, I use it on the side -dipping my salad into it, rather than pouring it on. All of that sounds good, and it IS good. Positive steps in the right direction. However, I have my pit falls, the slippery slopes, the sink holes. You know, those places and times where I don’t just stumble. Oh no! I fall flat on my face in the muck and mire of overeating! : Peanut butter. I have been absolutely craving peanut butter in the last 3 months. I struggle with only eating 1 T of it. Sometimes I win ... and sadly, sometimes - well, I don’t. : Cheese. I love cheese. And while I work hard at decreasing the amount of cheese that I use in recipes, and I don’t eat sandwiches anymore to pile the cheese slices on ... I struggle with staying away from the block cheese. Oh I love cheese! And 2 oz of block cheese? That’s not even a TASTE! : Coffee. Well, coffee creamer. I love the Italian Sweet Cream! LOVE it!!! I have decreased the amount that I use, but still cannot get to the point of saying “no” to it all together. And since I drink several cups of coffee a day? Yeah, it hurts the total calories/carbs thing. : Since I live alone (am a widow) I like to watch the old sitcoms while I eat. Beverly Hillbillies, Dick Van Dyke, Green Acres. I don’t think anything is wrong with that in itself. Eating in silence and alone after 35 years of marriage is very depressing. However, it’s hard not to watch more than one episode, especially since I have ROKU! Which is fine ... except ... It often leads to eating more than I should at a meal - and I don’t realize how much I have eaten until that 2nd episode is over and I start to put away the food. Then, sorrow, shame, disgust, and regret. Sigh. : I have NO willpower when it comes to cookies, cakes, pies, chips (oh my!), or any kind of snacky stuff in the house. So, I try very hard not to buy them. But then ever so often, I do buy something. So, I separate a package of cookies or chips or whatever, into Ziploc bags - one serving per bag, hoping that this time I will have the strength to only open ONE Ziploc bag! I’m getting better ... most days. ;) The crazy thing is - if there is a bag of chips in the apartment, as long as they are NOT open? I’m good. Those chips could be here till the 2nd Tuesday of next week and I would be good. But let those bad boys get opened! It’s Katy-bar-the-door then! Sigh. : I also seem to crave MEAT in the last 3 months especially. I cannot get enough!!! I made a Mexican meatloaf the other day, thinking it would help. And it did! But it was such as struggle not to just stand there and eat “one more bite”. So, I let it cool, then I cut it in squares, putting each one into a Ziploc bag ... then froze the whole lot of them! Now, if I want a piece of meatloaf, I have to defrost it and heat it up! LOL I don’t know about you, I only know me and my struggles. But I don’t have the money for a specialized diet or food program - such as a total KETO, or the Nutri-system, or any of the other gazillion plans and programs that are out there. I also don’t have the money for the weight loss surgery - not that I haven’t considered it, contemplating one of the old western style bank robberies down in Old Mexico, LOL I don’t have the money for diet pills, or the whole shake industry, either I live on a widow’s benefit from Social Security. I have the apartment rent, a truck payment, and my other bills. There are times I wonder if I will have any money for groceries at all! Oh, and eating healthy? IT’S EXPENSIVE!!! So, how do I do this? How do I lose 100 pounds without a plan, a program, a pill, or surgery? I have lost weight in the past. When I was 17 I lost 100 pounds in 3 months. Last day of my Junior year of high school I weighed in at 275. The first day of my Senior year? I weighed in at 175! And that whole year, I kept it off. - I ate one cup of soup a day. And I exercised about 6 hours a day. Nearly killed my crazy self over it, too! Long story there. Not again, not like that! In 2015-2016, I lost 150 pounds over about a year. Rick died April 23, 2015, so I began the widow diet. I would NOT recommend that to anyone! Just saying. - I wasn’t hungry. Had to force myself to eat even one meal a day. But I walked. I walked and I walked and I walked. Tears streaming down my face. My heart feeling like it was going to explode out of my body - from the grief, not from the exertion. I saw my doctor and talked to him about it all. He told me to just breathe. That grief takes a long time, if ever, to work its way thru a broken heart, a shattered life. He was right. And other than these 2 extreme losses? I have lost a few pounds to as much as 50, then gained it back. Only to lose it again. And gain it back. Allowing the jeers and laughter of others to shame me. Hearing the words of others that were sometimes meant to help, to encourage, but they never did. Those words only made me feel ashamed, discouraged, and hurt. Didn’t anyone know how hard this was for me? Didn’t anyone care that I struggled with this day and night? My self esteem and confidence has never been on the high side - because I listened to too many. I bought into the image that we are fed by movies, TV shows, magazine articles, books, our skinny family and friends, doctors, all the commercials, and on and on and on. - speaking of commercials. Have you noticed that there will be a commercial about food, a particular restaurant advertising their latest creation ... then a commercial about a weight loss product ... followed by a commercial talking about the dangers of a weight loss pill or product? UGH!!! I know I can do this! I believe I can. It’s just a matter of taking it little by little. Which is hard to do I want to see instant results No sweet tea? I should weigh at least a pound less! 15 minutes of exercise? I should weigh a couple of pounds less! Drink 3 bottles of water in a day? Bam! That should count for 3 pounds less! And yet, I see the scales bouncing from 285 to 305 ... up, down. Up, down. Up, down. Enough of this craziness! God has given me a computer, with Internet access. He’s given me the ability to research, and to read. He’s also given me the TIME. Time is not something everyone has to do this. Time hasn’t always been something that I have had to do this. But I have it now. A 500 sq ft apartment doesn’t take much time to clean or maintain. Living alone, with no outside job, gives me a lot of hours without direction or purpose. So, for me ... and for you - here I am Giving myself to this. Little by little, choosing the OR. Join me?  just about the time of my last post, coronavirus (or Covid-19) hit America in full force now while i believe it is a real illness, a dreaded illness i also believe that the media certainly played (preyed) upon the fears and worries and fed the frenzy that ensued a toilet paper shortage schools closed events canceled churches closed doctor visits became drive-thru moments instead of office calls business transactions depended on the Internet more and more restaurants closed dining rooms, even drive-thru's were closed at times bars were closed no gatherings of over 100 people, then 50, then no more than 10 were allowed to be together gyms were closed we were quarantined, put into isolation masks became mandatory washing hands in soap and water until they were raw and sore for weeks ... no, for months finally, America started opening back up but with great restrictions in place here it is October 19, 2020 - 8 months later and we are still being held hostage in America in so many ways it wasn't until July that i was able to get in to see the doctor for a complete check up thankfully, the only thing "wrong" was my cholesterol was slightly elevated, as were my triglycerides not enough for her to warrant medication but enough to change my diet even farther i also had an MRI done on my left knee severe osteoarthritis, no cartilage remains, baker's cyst appears to have exploded, and there is a "rare fluid in the ACL" surgery is being discussed, but neither the ortho nor i am anxious to have this done a knee replacement is good for about 10 years, and in a lifetime, a person can only have 3 that would leave me at 89 with no other options so for now, therapy, exercise, and continue to lose the weight looking for a brace that will be the size i need - think i have finally found one had a hearing exam ears have not decreased in hearing he said he was amazed that i can hear as well as i can because usually with such sensitive ears, by 59 years old the hearing has taken a decidedly turn for the worse - but my hearing is just as sensitive and sharp as it has always been ... with the one exception being when there is a lot of background noise, i cannot hear as well to distinguish sounds i continue to work on losing the weight and it is coming off, slowly i have about 85 more pounds to lose to reach my first ultimate goal hoping that i can do that by January 1, 2021 eating less, and less often doing my best to eat better, make healthier choices drinking more and more water less sweet tea - perhaps one glass a week, at the most these days using more of the Splenda, but trying to choose water over that i need to get more walking in - hoping now that the weather is cooling off, and the Census work is finished, will encourage me to get out and WALK!!! i still need to get into the gym and see how much they can help me build the quad muscles above my knee, and the muscles on either side of the knee - seems every time i make a plan to go to the gym, something happens the last something was me getting sick with the coronavirus 2 weeks ago i was horribly sick for about 7 days then the next 7 days was absolutely exhausted just now i am feeling better, as in much better! i thought about going for a walk today, but haven't yet - i did cook a pot of hamburger stew & fixing to fix a pan of cornbread! i get tired so easily everything i have heard and read says that is completely normal for having been so very sick i hope to build myself back up because i am missing my walks!!! so for now, that's where i am stumbling and bumbling thru this thing called "life alone"
Migraines suck. Just saying. I used to have at least one major migraine each month, with another 2 or 3 thrown in for good measure. Since my cancer surgery, I haven't had near as many headaches, let alone the migraines. Until February 2020. The last week of February and the first week of March - O.M.W. This migraine has been making up for lost time! It started around the 27th of February, a growing pain in the temples and above my eyes. One that slowly spread over the top of my head and encircled my head like a vice grip. By Friday the 28th, it was a full blown migraine. For over 24 hrs it was registering about a 15 on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst! Difficult to even open my eyes. Smells, even normally good ones, set my stomach to rolling. Finally, Sunday, March 1, brought with it a bit quieter pain level. After 2 nights of being more up and awake due to the pain, I took a nap - oh how good that felt! Today is March 4, and still the headache lingers. Yesterday it was registering between 5-8, more at the 8 than not. Thankfully today it has been between 3-5. I took this picture on my Momma's birthday & Texas Independence Day - March 2. This was after 60 hours of the migraine ... Not the best pic ever, but not the worst one either. I had felt a little better for about 3 hrs, so I walked a little on the treadmill - that was nice. It was a wonderful weather day!  |
 Momma, you're not fat. You're fluffy!These were the words of my precious little girl one day many years ago. The innocence of a child. The words both stung my eyes, and warmed my heart. Archives
February 2021
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and I am His. Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me. Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to. Great grief is indicative of a great Love. Rick, my Sweetheart. Margaret, his Beloved. Always & Forever. |
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