More Questions than Answers

It’s been a few days since I have written
It’s also been an uphill and downhill kind of week. 
Struggles and trials. 
Victories and defeats.
That’s all part of life, isn’t it? 

A week of reading and researching, and then times of pushing it all away because I am sick of it all! 
So many exercises I cannot do because of my physical limitations.
So many foods that I cannot have because honestly? I cannot afford them! 
Reading about the diet programs and all their success stories
Found myself at one point wondering if my doctor would just approve me for an emergency weight loss surgery - maybe that would be the easiest thing to do. 

But then, I remember.
I remember why I started this blog
I remember. 

There are those who have struggled, as I have, with their weight off and on throughout our lives
We are tired, weary, discouraged
We have fought a hard fight
We still fight - 
- without the money to buy into the diet programs or pills
- without the money to even buy the healthier foods
- without the doctors to sign off on weight loss surgery
- or even if we do find a doctor who is ready, willing and able, the insurance and cost of the surgery weighs heavy against us, and we can’t. 
You need Hope. 
I need Hope.
You need encouragement and support.
I need encouragement and support. 

Can better health be achieved by prayer, more careful eating of what we can afford, and doing the exercises that we can do? 
What if I don’t lose this weight, but I feel better? 
Is that something that I can live with? 
What if I don’t lose this weight, but I look better in the mirror to me? 
Can I live with that? 

I know people who are overweight, extremely overweight according to all the charts, yet they are some of the most beautiful people on earth! 
People who are extremely overweight, but they are comfortable in their own skin, and they exhume happiness and deep seated Joy. 
I want that. 
No matter what the scales say. That’s a number.
I want the beauty of a life well-lived. 
Lived with passion and kindness. 
Lived with integrity and holiness. 
I want to be comfortable in my skin - regardless of what size shirt or pants I wear, regardless of what the charts scream. 
I want the Joy of being happy. 

Joy is like a river, how many times have I heard that? 
Looking at a river, I begin to understand it. 
That river is constantly moving forward, even if I can’t see it. 
Even when the top of the river looks like frozen glass to me. 
It is moving underneath.
The current propels it forward. 
That’s Joy. 

Happiness, well it comes and goes in life.
Just like the top of the river. 
Sometimes still and quiet.
Sometimes raging in anger.
Sometimes that gentle, soothing, rolling on by. 

I have learned a few lessons this week that I would like to share here in the next few days: 
First up: 
I am a master of getting in my own way. 
*In 1775 Samuel Johnson said, "Sir, hell is paved with good intentions." How correct he was.
- every morning I sit here at the computer, writing in my journal. And every morning, I determine my good intentions for the day. Before the day is over, sometimes earlier and sometimes later, those good intentions become paving stones to my own private Hell of frustrations, irritations and disappointment in myself. Because I stumble and fumble, I falter and I fail. I eat too much. I don’t drink enough water. I don’t do enough exercises. I walk so fast and hard that my heart feels like it is going to literally explode inside my body.
And I close out the evening, miserable yet again. 

*Too often I mindlessly turn to social media, most often Facebook, as a way to distract me from what is going on around me. And for me, that usually means the silence and the aloneness that I find myself in as a widow living alone. 
Or I get lost, episode after episode, in the old comedies, such as Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, Hazel, I Love Lucy, etc. There is nothing wrong with watching them, even to set aside an afternoon here and there to binge watch. BUT to watch them while I am eating lunch? That MUST STOP!!! I get lost in the episodes, and I don’t pay close attention to the food that is in front of me. Before I have realized it, or changed it, I have eaten too much. So beginning yesterday, NO TV watching while I cook or eat. Today, as I ate, I thought, “This isn’t fun. It’s too quiet. It’s too lonely.” But I realized that yesterday & today, I tasted the food, and I did not over-eat. I paid attention. 

*I have allowed the pain and discomfort that comes with doing exercises to keep me from doing them. So rather than do so many that I feel the pain? Right now, I am focusing more on loosening up the arthritis. A few stretches 2 or 3 times a day. Sometimes the leg stretches, sometimes the upper body stretches. When I feel pain or discomfort, I am stopping. There will come a time for me to push passed all that, but that’s not right now. 
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*I have also allowed the thoughts and wonderings what others are thinking of me, what they see when they look at me, what they might say to me that is negative, to keep me from doing what I know is good and right. I can only do what I should do. And if they have something negative to think or say? That’s on them. At least I am not sitting on the couch eating bon-bons! 

Losing weight is not all about changing the way I eat and move. 
It begins in the mind and the heart.
Conquering the negative thoughts and choices. 
Looking at me more like I want to be looked at. 
Looking at myself more like God looks at me. 

These are all questions and thoughts that I have had this week. 
Still working on the answers ;)