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I have found that I did not dread today as much this year as I have the other 7 years. And yet, with every breath I have taken, and every move I have made, these last 2 weeks – there was that pressure of this day building up within me. My thoughts. My emotions. My memories. Even to where I was feeling it in my body physically. And here I am. Valentine’s Day 2023. Sitting here listening to the winds blow outside, it’s warmer today than it’s been lately. And the winds are from the south, so not as cold. But oh how they whistle thru every nook and cranny, into every crack. Thankful that this little house is more sure and strong in the winds than the RV was. A 2nd cup of coffee and I sit here together in this morning. Alone just with my thoughts, my emotions. Alone with the memories that are bitter – and those that are sweet. I remember all those Valentine Day’s with Rick. Starting with that very first one in 1979. I was a senior in high school. And I was deeply in love with a boy. Rick had graduated the year before. I still saw him at church, and as he drove on the roads past, or near, our house. Oh I was such a teenager-in-love! I thought about him, I prayed for him, I dreamed about him. I imagined a life together. And then, Valentine’s Day came. I had built up so much in my imagination that I just knew he would send me roses that day. I waited, and watched, all day as other girls in my classes received their roses and candy from their boyfriends. Nothing for me. I would not allow myself to be disappointed though, because I knew Rick was not much on public displays of affection. So, there remained in me thru that long day a hope. Hoping there would be something waiting on me when I got home. I walked in the house after school that afternoon, and there was nothing. I couldn’t ask momma about anything, cause this was all a dream of my own heart and imagination. I had not spoken a word to anyone about Rick, or about my hopes. As I did my homework that afternoon, there was a feeling of emptiness that began to blanket over me. A knock on the door, and I ran to see who it was. Expecting Rick to be there. Only it wasn’t Rick. It was a florist, yes – but the roses were not from him. Oh, they were gorgeous! 18 long stem red roses from a boy who loved me as much as I loved Rick. Only I didn’t love this boy the way he loved me. Richard knew how much I loved Rick. And his precious words to me: “I understand completely how much you love him. Because that’s how much I love you. I only want you happy. I would only ask that if he doesn’t make you happy, by loving you back – that you will give me the opportunity to prove my love to you.” (We remained friends thru the years. He waited for me, never marrying. I heard of his death and my heart was broken.) Well, that Valentine’s Day of 1979 came and it went. With nothing from Rick. Not a phone call. Not a visit. Not a card. Not a flower. Nothing. My heart was crushed, my spirit was broken. My soul felt like it was rattling with every step I took – because of the pieces that lay on the floor. 3 days later, I came home from school, and momma had a smile on her face. I didn’t think much of it, until she just kept watching me. Not saying a word. Finally I asked her what she was looking at, and why was she smiling so. She just simply nodded her head towards the kitchen. Feeling very confused, I walked into the kitchen, and there sat a vase with 3 absolutely perfect salmon colored roses. The card simply said, “please be patient with me”, signed “Ric”. My Rick! He had thought of me! My heart soared! The tears began to fall and I could not stop them. I heard momma behind me, and I turned around. She shook her head and said, “You barely looked at the 18 red roses, and you are crying like this over these 3?!” I just smiled. And in that moment I learned a life lesson. It’s not the gift. Yes, the thought counts. But – what’s most important? Who. The value of the gift lies in WHO gives the gift. Regardless of what the gift is. WHO. And then I remember another 35 years of Valentine Days. . The times money was available, so the florist delivered the roses. And the candy boxes were laid quietly on the table. The cards were bought, signed and handed over. . The times money was too hard to find, so there was a wildflower or two wrapped in a damp paper towel, held thru the day and brought home in loving hands. Perhaps a chocolate bar, or maybe just a handful of M&M’s bought with a quarter from a machine. A note of love written on any scrap of paper found, even a napkin or two. . The morning that Rick let me sleep in, because the kids had been sick for days and were still out of school. He quietly got up and made ready for work. Kissed me lightly before he left. When I got up, there were what seemed like a hundred post it notes all over the house! In the frig and freezer. On the bathroom mirror. Found one in my pants leg that said, “My heart pants for you”. Some of them were so sweet. Some made me laugh out loud. A few, well, even now, 8 years after he died, I still blush. . Times when we would go out to eat. Whether at a fancy restaurant, or just my favorite – Sonic. Whether alone, or with the kids in tow. . Times when he would grill steak or burgers. When the money was there. . Times we have had a simple bologna sandwich going down a back road. . There were the evenings of watching a chick flick – cause he knew that’s what I liked. Our favorite being Rob Roy. . Then, the hours of sitting in the porch swing, laughing and talking, dreaming of our life. . In the later years, there were the long days of driving down the interstate as he was a long distance truck driver. Songs playing on the radio, and with certain ones, he would reach over and hold my hand. Maybe sing them sweetly to me, or very exaggerated, just depended. And I remember these other 7 Valentine Days since he died.
If I could sit with him and talk with him, what would I say? What more could I say than what I said all those years? Rick, I love you. I have loved you since I was 10 years old. That makes my love for you 51 now. I wish you had stayed. I wish you had fought better when we had the chance. Back in 1995 when the doctor in Oregon told you that you had diabetes. You believed all the old ways – that diabetes was a death sentence. It was not something to be conquered. It was not something that could be lived with. It was absolutely something that would take your life. Fast forward several years - I wish you had not given up that morning when the doctor stood at your bed and said that your kidneys were failing. Not failED. But failING. There is such a difference in the tense of words. I wish you had realized that then. He offered hope, he offered a life ring. But you didn’t take it. I think there were times in those last years that you grasped, but that life ring was just out of your reach by that time. I wish so much, Rick. I wish I had done things differently. I wish we had done things differently. I wish. Oh how I wish you had stayed. These days without you are hard. The hardest of what I have ever lived and endured. I feel so alone. Even when others are around. I catch myself listening for my phone to ring. But then, that gut punch when I realize you don’t know my number now. I listen for your truck to drive in the driveway. But then, again, that gut punch, you don’t know where I live now. It’s easy to tell myself that you are off on the truck, and just do not have cell service. - I don’t mean to think those things that as you would say, are setting me up for a fall, but I do. After all these years, I can hear your voice. I see into your eyes. I smell you. And there are times when I really think I’m going crazy – cause I feel your arms around me, or your hand on the small of my back. I look at your pictures and I scream deep inside – talk to me! I need you! And there is only silence. Silence that is deafening. Silence that is a roar. Silence that makes me think I am hearing the blood course thru my veins. Oh, and damn. Here are the tears. Rick, I have always loved you. 51 years of loving you. Don’t think that’s going to stop any time soon! Just saying. I miss you Sweetheart More than these feeble words could ever say. I miss you. And I love you. 
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Rick, there has not been a day since you left me that i did not talk to you. tears have been cried my soul has been in anguish i have laughed i look at your pictures and you just feel so real to me - like you are simply not here with me in this room. the memories are a comfort to me so many stories of our love, our laughter, our life i don't always write to you, i write about you - and i always talk to you. not sure who gets more words from me - you or God ;) i miss you, Rick. more than written, or spoken, words could ever in a lifetime say. just like i loved you more than written, or spoken, words ever said in our life together. i loved you then i love you now. i missed you the day you died. i miss you more today. how do i say i love you? how do i say i miss you? this was not how my dreams were supposed to go i didn't plan for you to die remember, we were supposed to be over 100 years old together, making love and both of us go in that moment ;) we laughed about that so often that was the dream not this. not every moment is bad. but even in the best of moments and times, i miss you there's so much missing in me, in my life. i just can't get past the missing. i can't get past the emptiness i can't get past the silence. and now, i realize i am not supposed to. i am not wallowing in the grief - even if i have been accused of doing that ;) i am moving forward with my life one day at a time - no, one moment at a time. you and i were so good together we fit we just were without you here, it's a different way for me. i read, some. not as much as i did before you died. - finding that my attention isn't what it was - and i don't even like the same type of books, for the most part i'm writing some. mostly just in my prayer journal, but a few blog posts, a few thoughts. i haven't worked on this website much at all, a few times here and there. - you aren't here to know - to read - to edit. to encourage and to support. - and honestly, it's like no one else cares. - but i am slowly realizing how important these pages of this website are - - at least to me. i watch old sitcoms that you and i watched together. i watch a few movies that you and i watched together. it's hard to read what i can't share with you. it's hard to write what you won't ever read. it's hard to watch something that you aren't watching. almost like there is a survivor's guilt to deal with. i tried to keep my promise - and let someone love me. to find someone that i could love. i gave my heart, my energies, to ones that turned out to be empty and full of themselves i spent what little money i had on others. i was used, abused, neglected, and cast aside. i was mistreated. i was accused. i was manipulated. and i came out of that with a broken heart, a crushed spirit. it took time for me to find healing it took time for me to get my feet back under me. you sheltered me you spoiled me. i didn't know someone could be so self-filled. i didn't know what it was like to be used and cast aside like trash. i do now. rick, my heart is more guarded these days. and honestly? after these years since you left? i am more ok alone than i thought i ever would be. God and me got this ;) life goes on - like Reba said in her song, the world doesn't stop turning, even for my broken heart. but i am learning that i can still breathe and this broken heart still beats. i miss sharing so much with you i miss hearing your laughter i miss feeling your arms. i miss you touching my heart, my mind, my soul. eh, it's a widow's life ;) i love you Rick. i will try to write you more - if only for me ;)  This is my 6th holiday season without you, Rick I would think by now it might be easier - I would be thinking wrong The tears don’t come as often But when they do? They are still hot & sticky as they roll down my cheeks The sobs still wrack my body The grief seems to consume me Mentally, emotionally, physically I have learned to let it come - But then to let it go And to breathe deeply of life, of love, of laughter in the aftermath Thankfully the destruction is kept to a minimum these days The grief seems to have more of a healing effect on me now than what it did in the early days, weeks & months of being a widow But how do I explain the difference to people who aren’t walking the path of being a widow? Those who saw me crying in the early times And who see tears upon my face now They think it’s all the same And wonder how I can still be so “trapped” or “wallowing” in grief I am still told to “get a grip”, to “get over it”, to “move on with life” I usually just take a deep breath and let it go No words are said Words are no longer enough Words no longer have meaning and strength to them I have not the energy to defend myself, nor my tears Only those who have known a love that is your very breath and reason for living And who have had the heartache of that love being taken from you Only those “get” these thoughts, these emotions, these heart tugs Many have said that “grief is grief” - and that we all know grief While I agree with that statement, I also disagree with it I have known the love and loss of parents, a brother, 2 sisters, a grandchild and numerous family members and friends As hard as it was to endure the loss of my momma, and as much as I miss her every day - even after 14 years, still reach for the phone to call her at times - As heart wrenching as many of these losses have been, and the change they have wrought within my heart and my life - No loss was as intense or life changing as losing you, Rick, my husband. Learning to navigate this life alone is the greatest challenge of my 59 years Some have even blamed me for being alone - telling me that I should just love again I just take a deep breath and softly say to myself, “It’s not as easy as you think” & let it go, There are no answers that will satisfy My heart is ready to love again My mind tells me it’s ok to love again, after all, that’s what you asked me to do - so there is no guilt there, no thoughts of betrayal However, 99.99% of the guys I have talked to in these 5+ years since you have been gone want one thing ... well, 2: 1. Sex texting. Talking about it. There’s a good morning, how are you? Quickly followed by, “do you like the lights on or off” or some variation to that. 2. Pictures of boobs. Yes, I have 2 boobs. Yes, they are the larger size ones. But no! They are not for sale, they are not for a free look, either. I can only think of 2 men who have been true gentlemen in every sense of the word. 2 men out of the many who have treated me with respect and honor. 2 men who have offered me comfort and conversation 2 men who have thought of me as more than just a warm body, or as one who can use words to stimulate Ironically, both of them are named “Bill”. One lives in Tennessee, and one lives in Idaho. And to both of them, I give my heart and my soul! One you know (Idaho Bill), and the other (TN Bill) you would have adored as much as I do! These other guys? One by one they have dropped away When I do not respond with the talk or pictures, they no longer have a use for me, nor interest in me And that’s just fine with me If I am not worth more than that to someone, then I am worth nothing to them God has His way of removing people from my life Because He knows best who is a true friend, and who is not I will say though that there are times when I am sorely tempted and tried, just so that I can have someone to talk to, someone to share some time with But a deep breath and realization - Not worth the guilt and regret Not worth the shame and sorrow it would bring So alone I am and alone I will stay, unless God has another plan for me Rick, I miss you terribly Everything about you  Hey Rick I am trying to do this life alone It’s different I probably spend too much time wondering what others do who live alone Especially those who have always been home-bodies, like me When you were here, and the kids were at home, goodness! It always seemed like I barely had time to go to the bathroom! Then when the kids grew up and moved on with their lives, Remember how I felt like I was going crazy for a while? So bored and lonesome while you were at work Just that lost feeling Didn’t know what to do with my time We had gone from a large house to a small RV - So the time it took to clean it was almost nothing Well, in these 5+ years since you’ve been gone - I stayed with the kids and grandkids for almost that first year Then made the worst mistake of my life - Went to Kentucky At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for everyone, me included But 3 1/2 yrs later, it didn’t take me that long to realize, but took me that long to figure a way out - And the gut punch of reality: it WAS the worst mistake of my life I’m sorry I did that to you, to me, to US I’m sorry I did that to our kids and grandkids Guess I will go to my grave with these regrets and wishings I know, what’s done is done I can’t get back those times I can’t make things right either Some days are harder to face with those 3 1/2 yrs of memories than others are Guess that’s just the way of life I find myself gravitating to the stories of people, past and present, who have made mistakes And have found a way to live life anyway The movies make me cry hard The thoughts make me be in a very reflective mood Probably best that I am living alone, huh? I wish you were here I could really use some words of wisdom and advice right about now I try to think back to things you always said - - to yourself, to me, to the kids, and to others, when faced with bad choices and mistakes - I know you were harder on yourself than you were on anyone else - well, so am I I’m trying hard to be better As a woman As your widow As the kids’ momma As the grandkids’ grannee I just don’t know how to make this life alone I’m lost, honey I am writing again, though - - thinking of you with every word I type - I wonder sometimes where the words will lead me, if God really has put this calling on my heart - I don’t care one whit about name or fame, nor about money. - I do care about healing. My healing. And if God can use me to help someone else heal. This is a tough life, this life alone I’m not stronger than you were, not by a far sight But as much as I loved you then, and love you still - I’m glad it’s me not you. It would break my heart if I knew you were having to live like this - and I guess that’s part of what’s wrong with me now - I just wonder how you are - oh I know all that we have been taught about a Christian dying - but I wonder, is that really true? - or are you missing me as much as I am missing you? God, please don’t let it be like that.  Hey Rick I am trying to do this life alone It’s different I probably spend too much time wondering what others do who live alone Especially those who have always been home-bodies, like me When you were here, and the kids were at home, goodness! It always seemed like I barely had time to go to the bathroom! Then when the kids grew up and moved on with their lives, Remember how I felt like I was going crazy for a while? So bored and lonesome while you were at work Just that lost feeling Didn’t know what to do with my time We had gone from a large house to a small RV - So the time it took to clean it was almost nothing Well, in these 5+ years since you’ve been gone - I stayed with the kids and grandkids for almost that first year Then made the worst mistake of my life - Went to Kentucky At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for everyone, me included But 3 1/2 yrs later, it didn’t take me that long to realize, but took me that long to figure a way out - And the gut punch of reality: it WAS the worst mistake of my life I’m sorry I did that to you, to me, to US I’m sorry I did that to our kids and grandkids Guess I will go to my grave with these regrets and wishings I know, what’s done is done I can’t get back those times I can’t make things right either Some days are harder to face with those 3 1/2 yrs of memories than others are Guess that’s just the way of life I find myself gravitating to the stories of people, past and present, who have made mistakes And have found a way to live life anyway The movies make me cry hard The thoughts make me be in a very reflective mood Probably best that I am living alone, huh? I wish you were here I could really use some words of wisdom and advice right about now I try to think back to things you always said - - to yourself, to me, to the kids, and to others, when faced with bad choices and mistakes - I know you were harder on yourself than you were on anyone else - well, so am I I’m trying hard to be better As a woman As your widow As the kids’ momma As the grandkids’ grannee I just don’t know how to make this life alone I’m lost, honey I am writing again, though - - thinking of you with every word I type - I wonder sometimes where the words will lead me, if God really has put this calling on my heart - I don’t care one whit about name or fame, nor about money. - I do care about healing. My healing. And if God can use me to help someone else heal. This is a tough life, this life alone I’m not stronger than you were, not by a far sight But as much as I loved you then, and love you still - I’m glad it’s me not you. It would break my heart if I knew you were having to live like this - and I guess that’s part of what’s wrong with me now - I just wonder how you are - oh I know all that we have been taught about a Christian dying - but I wonder, is that really true? - or are you missing me as much as I am missing you? God, please don’t let it be like that.  Hey Rick Well, I am in a place of my own At least for now Guess it depends on how long God wants me to stay here as to how long I am here ;) Just a studio apartment (or efficiency, depending on what you want to call it) Remember that place we lived in outside of Hico, at Kurt and Vicki's? That was what, about 900 sq feet? Well, this is about 500 sq feet. Just about the right size for me, I suppose. One door in, and then just the bathroom door. 2 windows, one large one above the table I have for a desk, and the small one in the bathroom It’s different living alone I think the hardest thing is simply not having anyone to talk to, And no voice coming back to me I talk to God, a lot ... sometimes writing in my journal, sometimes just out loud I listen to music, actually listen to it more when I’m walking or in the truck driving somewhere I watch movies, but usually don’t even turn the TV on till after 5 p.m. I have the Internet now, but typical for a satellite system - doesn’t work on bad weather days - you know, those days when I need it the most, or at least, could use it the most. I also have the ROKU TV box, but of course, it needs the Internet to work - lol Some nights I sleep pretty good, only a couple of turns in the bed And then, there are the nights that sleep is far from me I’m really tired of fighting sleep these days ... - been thinking about just sleeping when I can, day or night - and when I can’t sleep, just get up! Find something to do! So much goes against the way we have always done things Guess that’s just what happens when one dies and one becomes a widow, huh? Now it’s not what “we” do, or what “we” want to eat, not even what “we” want to watch ... It’s about “ME” now And you of all people know just how hard that is for me! I’ve never been one to think of myself And now? All I can do is think of me It’s so weird Strange In some ways so not right And yet, it doesn’t feel wrong I think I will always miss you Probably always write you letters And talk to your picture a thousand times a day saying: You know I love you, right? Well, do you know how much I miss you, too?
so much has happened since the last time i wrote i think about you a thousand times a day sometimes writing to you makes you seem closer and sometimes farther away i worked for the Census 2020 as a field enumerator learned a lot of things about me in the process those long drives on the back country roads there were tears and there was laughter so often i felt you riding there with me the memories flooded my heart realizations made me pull to the side of the road i sit here now with tears rolling down my cheeks remembering i have a truck now joshua and shell worked it around with travis and i have a truck it's a ford - which made me smile even more because you were always a ford man ;) i also am living alone after all these years a small apartment came available in september and it was past time to take this step i know that now it's a good place, and i know you would have loved it here but it's so much like i figured it would be hours upon hours of just me no phone calls nowhere to go no one to see isolation alone-ness fumbling around the days and nights looking for something to do missing being around the kids and grandkids missing being around people just to hear another voice to get in someone's way to have someone in my way to share a meal together to consider what someone else wants to watch - - and have it not be what i want to watch even to have a disagreement, an argument to be hugged a forehead kiss every now and then i know that everyone needs this time away from me yet to know where i am that i am right here in Texas and i suppose in some ways i need this time alone, too oh i know i can do it and i am not afraid just lonely makes me miss you even more than i thought i could i got sick about 3 days after paying the first month's rent guessing it was the coronavirus that has had everyone so held in bondage since March i was very sick for about 7 days, sicker than i ever had been then the next 7 days i was better, but oh so exhausted i have slept more in the last 2 weeks than i have slept in my life! i'm better now - much better i still get tired, more quickly and easier than i like to admit but from all that i have heard and read, that's part of the "normal" after being sick i got up this morning and since it was a cooler and cloudy fall day i decided to make a pot of hamburger stew it's different cooking for just one i made enough that i will have it for several days now but it's good - like really good i've thought a lot about you today remembering the cooler weather days when we would make a pot of stew and watch movies laughing and talking a hug and a kiss with every chance we had how that you would snitch those bowls of stew "because it needs to be tasted" you would say oh what wonderful days those were i will miss you this evening when i sit down alone to eat a bowl of "our" stew and a slice of hot cornbread i will miss you while the movie plays and i will miss you when i go to bed tonight with a full tummy your arms around me the smell of stew in your beard oh Rick life is such a challenge without you here i miss you i love you always yours, Megan Lee McCoy  well, it's been 5 years now 5 years since i felt your touch 5 years since i looked into your eyes 5 years since i heard your voice say, "I love you" i miss you more than i have words to tell i know you would smile that smile of yours and tell me how silly i was being if i told you that i miss even our arguments but i do i miss everything about you i miss everything about us you were more than my husband you were my best friend you were my memory keeper you were the one who could make me mad as an old wet hen but you were also the one who could turn my giggle box upside down i miss the way you smelled the way your skin felt beneath my fingers the touch of your whiskers on my neck i miss the better half of me i certainly don't feel like much of a woman without you i've tried - but failed miserably i'm back in the arms of God now so that's a good thing when you died, i lost my way i tried to be strong but everything went wrong i'm sorry honey that i let you down that will be the regret of my life i know i thought i was doing the best for me, the best for the kids and grandkids, by going to kentucky for a while never meant to stay so long never meant to cross the lines never intended to be like that you were my anchor and you were gone guess i put too much on you now it's God's turn to carry me from here till eternity no matter what happens no matter where i go no matter it's all God or it's nothing now honestly? i'm glad you aren't here now in 2020 it's crazy here with the coronavirus pandemic oh you and i would be having a blast together in this quarantine state but it would also drive you crazy ;) i sure miss you though your grounding your sense of reason your words of wisdom just to hear your voice say "it's going to be ok, we are going to be ok - either way" i will forever love you and always miss you with every breath i take in every move i make i know i have a lot of love left in me and a lot of life yet to do not sure how to get from here to there or find out what it means and how to do it it's different without you the regret over the last 5 years is almost more than i can bear at times but God says He has forgiven me i can only hope that somewhere down this road of life i will find forgiveness for myself and trust that you still love me maybe i can yet make you proud of me you often said that you would go crazy without me that you couldn't handle life alone you told me i was strong honey, i hate to admit it but you were wrong i'm the one that lost it when you died i'm the one who cries herself to sleep night after night, 5 years later i work at moving forward but 1 step on seems only to lead to 15 back others are getting frustrated with me sometimes i think the story of the old Indians going off alone is the best way after all reading the Word listening to the music praying with all that is within me what else am i supposed to do rick, i sure do miss you especially today  Rick, I wish you were here now. I miss you - all the time. But today? I could really use some wisdom & counsel. You were really good at listening, and letting me rant & rave until I had nothing left inside. I've made so many mistakes these 4 years 8 months since you have been gone. I am riddled with guilt & regret. And I don't know how to put things right again. There are things that I have done & said that a handful of others may know ... and some, only God & I know. I don't want to talk about any of them. Some I am so ashamed of I don't know what to do, wouldn't know the first thing to say. I feel strongly that I have disappointed you, let you down & there is NO way in Heaven or on earth that you would say, "You done good girl! I'm proud of you!" But now what? I can't un-do or un-say one thing. I can't recall the time ... nor the money. And here I am, 4 years 8 months later ... Still at Joshua's. Still dreading going to SS for a visit, much less a stay. Still feeling much in the way no matter where I am, or who I am with. I promised you that I would not grieve myself to an early grave. And that I would love again ... allowing myself to be loved again. You had no idea what you were asking. And I was absolutely clueless about what I was promising you. What am I supposed to do, Rick? I can't just walk up to someone and say, "Hey - you want to be my friend & more? Love me and let me love you?" I know God can do anything ... But I am really questioning if God has given up on me. As much as I have done wrong since the moment you died? I have been angry with God - for allowing you to die. I have questioned God - intensely - for allowing you to die, after all the rivers of tears I cried on your behalf - that you would be healed, that you would live with me for the rest of our days. I don't know God anymore. I don't know if He wants to know me now. After everything these 4 years & 8 months ... how can I ask anything of God? Especially for myself. Oh Rick. How much I miss you today. :(  Good morning, Rick. I wonder if you know just how much I miss you. Always. But there are times I miss you more. When I have a bad dream, like night before last. One of those recurring dreams - where no matter how many times I woke up and went back to sleep, the dream just continued. I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't change the ending. It haunted me all day yesterday, seemed to permeate every part of me. Oh what I would give to be held in your arms after a bad dream, have you once again wipe away my tears with your kisses. Feel the beat of your heart as you wrapped me in your love and care. Just to know that I was guarded and protected. Sigh. When I can't sleep, like last night. Waking up every few minutes all night long. Back aching. Legs cramping. I remember how you used to rub my back, and massage my legs. Do you know how hard it is to not be touched now? I'm realizing more and more that touch deprivation is a real thing - - real, painful, heart breaking. Christmas is only 16 days away. Lights are up - makes me remember when we would go out at night, get a cup of hot chocolate at McDonald's, the white hot chocolate, and drive around looking at Christmas lights ... just the 2 of us. How many hours and gallons of gas did we use when the kids were little - going Christmas light lookin'? But I think we used almost as many just for us. Music plays - reminding me of hearing your voice singing or humming the carols. The Christmas baking & cooking - how you would snitch and I would fuss ... how you would grab me from behind, wrap your arms around me and take a "bite" out of my neck. Sigh. One would think that this 5th Christmas without you would be easier ... it's not. There is no numbness now. Just the pain of emptiness. One would think that being here with family and friends would make things better ... it doesn't. They are all so busy with their own lives and plans. And you know me, I can't ask them to change just for me. Seeing the couples together, even our kids, makes me miss you even more ... how is that possible? To miss you MORE? Yet it is. Oh Rick. I know that death is just a part of life. But the holidays are a stark and blasting reminder of just how sucky a part of life it all is. I miss you. Yes, I am counting the days till Christmas. Maybe I can breathe a little afterwards. I don't want to wish away my life ... but I do have a few thoughts running thru my heart wishing the holidays were over. Sigh. If only there were some way for you to wrap your arms around me now. Hold me. Just for a little while. Oh Rick.  |
September 5, 1980The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!! Categories
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Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His. Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me. Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to. Great grief is indicative of a great Love. Rick, my Sweetheart. Margaret, his Beloved. Always & Forever. |
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©Margaret McCoy, the Queen of Kamelot Coffee