Hey, You! :)

well, it's been 5 years now
5 years since i felt your touch
5 years since i looked into your eyes
5 years since i heard your voice say, "I love you"
i miss you more than i have words to tell
i know you would smile that smile of yours
and tell me how silly i was being if i told you
that i miss even our arguments
but i do
i miss everything about you
i miss everything about us
you were more than my husband
you were my best friend
you were my memory keeper
you were the one who could make me mad as an old wet hen
but you were also the one who could turn my giggle box upside down 
i miss the way you smelled
the way your skin felt beneath my fingers
the touch of your whiskers on my neck
i miss the better half of me
i certainly don't feel like much of a woman without you
i've tried - 
but failed miserably

i'm back in the arms of God now
so that's a good thing
when you died, i lost my way
i tried to be strong
but everything went wrong
i'm sorry honey that i let you down
that will be the regret of my life i know
i thought i was doing the best for me, the best for the kids and grandkids,
by going to kentucky for a while
never meant to stay so long
never meant to cross the lines
never intended to be like that
you were my anchor
and you were gone
guess i put too much on you

now it's God's turn to carry me 
from here till eternity
no matter what happens
no matter where i go
no matter 
it's all God
or it's nothing now

honestly?
i'm glad you aren't here now in 2020
it's crazy here with the coronavirus pandemic
oh you and i would be having a blast together in this quarantine state
but it would also drive you crazy ;) 
i sure miss you though
your grounding
your sense of reason
your words of wisdom
just to hear your voice say "it's going to be ok, we are going to be ok - either way"

i will forever love you
and always miss you
with every breath i take
in every move i make

i know i have a lot of love left in me
and a lot of life yet to do
not sure how to get from here to there 
or find out what it means
and how to do it
it's different without you

the regret over the last 5 years is almost more than i can bear at times
but God says He has forgiven me
i can only hope that somewhere down this road of life 
i will find forgiveness for myself
and trust that you still love me
maybe i can yet make you proud of me

you often said that you would go crazy without me
that you couldn't handle life alone
you told me i was strong
honey, i hate to admit it 
but you were wrong
i'm the one that lost it when you died
i'm the one who cries herself to sleep night after night, 5 years later

i work at moving forward
but 1 step on seems only to lead to 15 back
others are getting frustrated with me
sometimes i think the story of the old Indians going off alone is the best way after all

reading the Word
listening to the music
praying with all that is within me
what else am i supposed to do

rick, i sure do miss you
​especially today