Coffee Love
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me

My 6th Holiday Season

12/18/2020

0 Comments

 
This is my 6th holiday season without you, Rick
I would think by now it might be easier - 
I would be thinking wrong
The tears don’t come as often
But when they do? 
They are still hot & sticky as they roll down my cheeks
The sobs still wrack my body 
The grief seems to consume me
Mentally, emotionally, physically
I have learned to let it come - 
But then to let it go
And to breathe deeply of life, of love, of laughter in the aftermath
Thankfully the destruction is kept to a minimum these days 
The grief seems to have more of a healing effect on me now than what it did in the early days, weeks & months of being a widow

But how do I explain the difference to people who aren’t walking the path of being a widow? 
Those who saw me crying in the early times
And who see tears upon my face now
They think it’s all the same
And wonder how I can still be so “trapped” or “wallowing” in grief
I am still told to “get a grip”, to “get over it”, to “move on with life”
I usually just take a deep breath and let it go
No words are said
Words are no longer enough 
Words no longer have meaning and strength to them
I have not the energy to defend myself, nor my tears

Only those who have known a love that is your very breath and reason for living
And who have had the heartache of that love being taken from you
Only those “get” these thoughts, these emotions, these heart tugs

Many have said that “grief is grief” - and that we all know grief
While I agree with that statement, I also disagree with it
I have known the love and loss of parents, a brother, 2 sisters, a grandchild and numerous family members and friends
As hard as it was to endure the loss of my momma, and as much as I miss her every day - even after 14 years, still reach for the phone to call her at times - 
As heart wrenching as many of these losses have been, and the change they have wrought within my heart and my life - 
No loss was as intense or life changing as losing you, Rick, my husband. 

Learning to navigate this life alone is the greatest challenge of my 59 years
Some have even blamed me for being alone - telling me that I should just love again
I just take a deep breath and softly say to myself, “It’s not as easy as you think” & let it go, 
There are no answers that will satisfy
My heart is ready to love again
My mind tells me it’s ok to love again, after all, that’s what you asked me to do
- so there is no guilt there, no thoughts of betrayal

However, 99.99% of the guys I have talked to in these 5+ years since you have been gone want one thing ... well, 2:
1. Sex texting. Talking about it. There’s a good morning, how are you? Quickly followed by, “do you like the lights on or off” or some variation to that. 
2. Pictures of boobs. Yes, I have 2 boobs. Yes, they are the larger size ones. But no! They are not for sale, they are not for a free look, either. 
I can only think of 2 men who have been true gentlemen in every sense of the word. 
2 men out of the many who have treated me with respect and honor. 
2 men who have offered me comfort and conversation
2 men who have thought of me as more than just a warm body, or as one who can use words to stimulate
Ironically, both of them are named “Bill”. 
One lives in Tennessee, and one lives in Idaho. 
And to both of them, I give my heart and my soul! 
One you know (Idaho Bill), and the other (TN Bill) you would have adored as much as I do! 

These other guys? 
One by one they have dropped away
When I do not respond with the talk or pictures, they no longer have a use for me, nor interest in me
And that’s just fine with me
If I am not worth more than that to someone, then I am worth nothing to them
God has His way of removing people from my life
Because He knows best who is a true friend, and who is not
I will say though that there are times when I am sorely tempted and tried,
just so that I can have someone to talk to,
someone to share some time with
But a deep breath and realization - 
Not worth the guilt and regret
Not worth the shame and sorrow it would bring

So alone I am
and alone I will stay, unless God has another plan for me
Rick, I miss you terribly
Everything about you 



Picture
0 Comments

Alone

10/19/2020

0 Comments

 
so much has happened since the last time i wrote
i think about you a thousand times a day
sometimes writing to you makes you seem closer
and sometimes farther away

i worked for the Census 2020 as a field enumerator
learned a lot of things about me in the process
those long drives on the back country roads
there were tears
and there was laughter
so often i felt you riding there with me
the memories flooded my heart
realizations made me pull to the side of the road
i sit here now with tears rolling down my cheeks remembering 

i have a truck now
joshua and shell worked it around with travis
and i have a truck 
it's a ford - which made me smile even more
because you were always a ford man ;) 

i also am living alone after all these years
a small apartment came available in september
and it was past time to take this step
i know that now
it's a good place, and i know you would have loved it here
but it's so much like i figured it would be
hours upon hours of just me 
no phone calls
nowhere to go
no one to see
isolation
alone-ness
fumbling around the days and nights looking for something to do

missing being around the kids and grandkids
missing being around people
just to hear another voice
to get in someone's way
to have someone in my way
to share a meal together
to consider what someone else wants to watch - 
- and have it not be what i want to watch
even to have a disagreement, an argument
to be hugged
a forehead kiss every now and then
i know that everyone needs this time away from me 
yet to know where i am
that i am right here in Texas

and i suppose in some ways i need this time alone, too
oh i know i can do it
and i am not afraid
just lonely
makes me miss you even more than i thought i could

i got sick about 3 days after paying the first month's rent
guessing it was the coronavirus that has had everyone so held in bondage since March
i was very sick for about 7 days, sicker than i ever had been
then the next 7 days i was better, but oh so exhausted
i have slept more in the last 2 weeks than i have slept in my life! 
i'm better now - much better
i still get tired, more quickly and easier than i like to admit
but from all that i have heard and read, that's part of the "normal" after being sick

i got up this morning and since it was a cooler and cloudy fall day
i decided to make a pot of hamburger stew
it's different cooking for just one
i made enough that i will have it for several days now
but it's good - like really good
i've thought a lot about you today
remembering the cooler weather days when we would make a pot of stew
and watch movies
laughing and talking
a hug and a kiss with every chance we had
how that you would snitch those bowls of stew 
"because it needs to be tasted" you would say
oh what wonderful days those were
i will miss you this evening when i sit down alone 
to eat a bowl of "our" stew and a slice of hot cornbread
i will miss you while the movie plays
and i will miss you when i go to bed tonight with a full tummy
your arms around me
the smell of stew in your beard

oh Rick
life is such a challenge without you here 
i miss you
i love you
always yours,
​Megan Lee McCoy

Picture
0 Comments

    September 5, 1980

    The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!!

    Categories

    All
    1979
    1993
    33 Days
    4 Years Old
    5 Years
    6 Years
    6 Years Old
    Alone
    A Place Of My Own
    Breathing
    Cabin
    Christmas
    Confession
    Cooking Stew
    Coronavirus
    Dickey Prairie
    Elvis
    Fighting Sleep
    Forgiveness
    Grief
    Independence
    Joshua
    Kentucky
    Laughter
    Life Just With You
    Life Without You
    Life With The Kids
    Listening
    Long Drives
    Lost
    Missing You
    Molalla
    Morning After
    Mt. Hood
    Nick
    Oregon
    Regrets
    Restoration
    Roses
    Son Of Texas
    Stressed Out
    Summer 2020
    The Alamo
    Thinking Of Me
    Time Alone
    Watching Movies
    Wedding
    Wedding Night
    Wonderings
    Your Arms
    Your Birthday

    RSS Feed

Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy

​
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His.
Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me.

​
Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God

Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to.

Great grief is indicative of a great Love.

Rick, my Sweetheart.
Margaret, his Beloved.
Always & Forever.
​
Picture
©Margaret McCoy, the Queen of Kamelot Coffee 
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me