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This is my 6th holiday season without you, Rick I would think by now it might be easier - I would be thinking wrong The tears don’t come as often But when they do? They are still hot & sticky as they roll down my cheeks The sobs still wrack my body The grief seems to consume me Mentally, emotionally, physically I have learned to let it come - But then to let it go And to breathe deeply of life, of love, of laughter in the aftermath Thankfully the destruction is kept to a minimum these days The grief seems to have more of a healing effect on me now than what it did in the early days, weeks & months of being a widow But how do I explain the difference to people who aren’t walking the path of being a widow? Those who saw me crying in the early times And who see tears upon my face now They think it’s all the same And wonder how I can still be so “trapped” or “wallowing” in grief I am still told to “get a grip”, to “get over it”, to “move on with life” I usually just take a deep breath and let it go No words are said Words are no longer enough Words no longer have meaning and strength to them I have not the energy to defend myself, nor my tears Only those who have known a love that is your very breath and reason for living And who have had the heartache of that love being taken from you Only those “get” these thoughts, these emotions, these heart tugs Many have said that “grief is grief” - and that we all know grief While I agree with that statement, I also disagree with it I have known the love and loss of parents, a brother, 2 sisters, a grandchild and numerous family members and friends As hard as it was to endure the loss of my momma, and as much as I miss her every day - even after 14 years, still reach for the phone to call her at times - As heart wrenching as many of these losses have been, and the change they have wrought within my heart and my life - No loss was as intense or life changing as losing you, Rick, my husband. Learning to navigate this life alone is the greatest challenge of my 59 years Some have even blamed me for being alone - telling me that I should just love again I just take a deep breath and softly say to myself, “It’s not as easy as you think” & let it go, There are no answers that will satisfy My heart is ready to love again My mind tells me it’s ok to love again, after all, that’s what you asked me to do - so there is no guilt there, no thoughts of betrayal However, 99.99% of the guys I have talked to in these 5+ years since you have been gone want one thing ... well, 2: 1. Sex texting. Talking about it. There’s a good morning, how are you? Quickly followed by, “do you like the lights on or off” or some variation to that. 2. Pictures of boobs. Yes, I have 2 boobs. Yes, they are the larger size ones. But no! They are not for sale, they are not for a free look, either. I can only think of 2 men who have been true gentlemen in every sense of the word. 2 men out of the many who have treated me with respect and honor. 2 men who have offered me comfort and conversation 2 men who have thought of me as more than just a warm body, or as one who can use words to stimulate Ironically, both of them are named “Bill”. One lives in Tennessee, and one lives in Idaho. And to both of them, I give my heart and my soul! One you know (Idaho Bill), and the other (TN Bill) you would have adored as much as I do! These other guys? One by one they have dropped away When I do not respond with the talk or pictures, they no longer have a use for me, nor interest in me And that’s just fine with me If I am not worth more than that to someone, then I am worth nothing to them God has His way of removing people from my life Because He knows best who is a true friend, and who is not I will say though that there are times when I am sorely tempted and tried, just so that I can have someone to talk to, someone to share some time with But a deep breath and realization - Not worth the guilt and regret Not worth the shame and sorrow it would bring So alone I am and alone I will stay, unless God has another plan for me Rick, I miss you terribly Everything about you 
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so much has happened since the last time i wrote i think about you a thousand times a day sometimes writing to you makes you seem closer and sometimes farther away i worked for the Census 2020 as a field enumerator learned a lot of things about me in the process those long drives on the back country roads there were tears and there was laughter so often i felt you riding there with me the memories flooded my heart realizations made me pull to the side of the road i sit here now with tears rolling down my cheeks remembering i have a truck now joshua and shell worked it around with travis and i have a truck it's a ford - which made me smile even more because you were always a ford man ;) i also am living alone after all these years a small apartment came available in september and it was past time to take this step i know that now it's a good place, and i know you would have loved it here but it's so much like i figured it would be hours upon hours of just me no phone calls nowhere to go no one to see isolation alone-ness fumbling around the days and nights looking for something to do missing being around the kids and grandkids missing being around people just to hear another voice to get in someone's way to have someone in my way to share a meal together to consider what someone else wants to watch - - and have it not be what i want to watch even to have a disagreement, an argument to be hugged a forehead kiss every now and then i know that everyone needs this time away from me yet to know where i am that i am right here in Texas and i suppose in some ways i need this time alone, too oh i know i can do it and i am not afraid just lonely makes me miss you even more than i thought i could i got sick about 3 days after paying the first month's rent guessing it was the coronavirus that has had everyone so held in bondage since March i was very sick for about 7 days, sicker than i ever had been then the next 7 days i was better, but oh so exhausted i have slept more in the last 2 weeks than i have slept in my life! i'm better now - much better i still get tired, more quickly and easier than i like to admit but from all that i have heard and read, that's part of the "normal" after being sick i got up this morning and since it was a cooler and cloudy fall day i decided to make a pot of hamburger stew it's different cooking for just one i made enough that i will have it for several days now but it's good - like really good i've thought a lot about you today remembering the cooler weather days when we would make a pot of stew and watch movies laughing and talking a hug and a kiss with every chance we had how that you would snitch those bowls of stew "because it needs to be tasted" you would say oh what wonderful days those were i will miss you this evening when i sit down alone to eat a bowl of "our" stew and a slice of hot cornbread i will miss you while the movie plays and i will miss you when i go to bed tonight with a full tummy your arms around me the smell of stew in your beard oh Rick life is such a challenge without you here i miss you i love you always yours, Megan Lee McCoy  |
September 5, 1980The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!! Categories
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Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His. Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me. Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to. Great grief is indicative of a great Love. Rick, my Sweetheart. Margaret, his Beloved. Always & Forever. |
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