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This is my 6th holiday season without you, Rick I would think by now it might be easier - I would be thinking wrong The tears don’t come as often But when they do? They are still hot & sticky as they roll down my cheeks The sobs still wrack my body The grief seems to consume me Mentally, emotionally, physically I have learned to let it come - But then to let it go And to breathe deeply of life, of love, of laughter in the aftermath Thankfully the destruction is kept to a minimum these days The grief seems to have more of a healing effect on me now than what it did in the early days, weeks & months of being a widow But how do I explain the difference to people who aren’t walking the path of being a widow? Those who saw me crying in the early times And who see tears upon my face now They think it’s all the same And wonder how I can still be so “trapped” or “wallowing” in grief I am still told to “get a grip”, to “get over it”, to “move on with life” I usually just take a deep breath and let it go No words are said Words are no longer enough Words no longer have meaning and strength to them I have not the energy to defend myself, nor my tears Only those who have known a love that is your very breath and reason for living And who have had the heartache of that love being taken from you Only those “get” these thoughts, these emotions, these heart tugs Many have said that “grief is grief” - and that we all know grief While I agree with that statement, I also disagree with it I have known the love and loss of parents, a brother, 2 sisters, a grandchild and numerous family members and friends As hard as it was to endure the loss of my momma, and as much as I miss her every day - even after 14 years, still reach for the phone to call her at times - As heart wrenching as many of these losses have been, and the change they have wrought within my heart and my life - No loss was as intense or life changing as losing you, Rick, my husband. Learning to navigate this life alone is the greatest challenge of my 59 years Some have even blamed me for being alone - telling me that I should just love again I just take a deep breath and softly say to myself, “It’s not as easy as you think” & let it go, There are no answers that will satisfy My heart is ready to love again My mind tells me it’s ok to love again, after all, that’s what you asked me to do - so there is no guilt there, no thoughts of betrayal However, 99.99% of the guys I have talked to in these 5+ years since you have been gone want one thing ... well, 2: 1. Sex texting. Talking about it. There’s a good morning, how are you? Quickly followed by, “do you like the lights on or off” or some variation to that. 2. Pictures of boobs. Yes, I have 2 boobs. Yes, they are the larger size ones. But no! They are not for sale, they are not for a free look, either. I can only think of 2 men who have been true gentlemen in every sense of the word. 2 men out of the many who have treated me with respect and honor. 2 men who have offered me comfort and conversation 2 men who have thought of me as more than just a warm body, or as one who can use words to stimulate Ironically, both of them are named “Bill”. One lives in Tennessee, and one lives in Idaho. And to both of them, I give my heart and my soul! One you know (Idaho Bill), and the other (TN Bill) you would have adored as much as I do! These other guys? One by one they have dropped away When I do not respond with the talk or pictures, they no longer have a use for me, nor interest in me And that’s just fine with me If I am not worth more than that to someone, then I am worth nothing to them God has His way of removing people from my life Because He knows best who is a true friend, and who is not I will say though that there are times when I am sorely tempted and tried, just so that I can have someone to talk to, someone to share some time with But a deep breath and realization - Not worth the guilt and regret Not worth the shame and sorrow it would bring So alone I am and alone I will stay, unless God has another plan for me Rick, I miss you terribly Everything about you 
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well, it's been 5 years now 5 years since i felt your touch 5 years since i looked into your eyes 5 years since i heard your voice say, "I love you" i miss you more than i have words to tell i know you would smile that smile of yours and tell me how silly i was being if i told you that i miss even our arguments but i do i miss everything about you i miss everything about us you were more than my husband you were my best friend you were my memory keeper you were the one who could make me mad as an old wet hen but you were also the one who could turn my giggle box upside down i miss the way you smelled the way your skin felt beneath my fingers the touch of your whiskers on my neck i miss the better half of me i certainly don't feel like much of a woman without you i've tried - but failed miserably i'm back in the arms of God now so that's a good thing when you died, i lost my way i tried to be strong but everything went wrong i'm sorry honey that i let you down that will be the regret of my life i know i thought i was doing the best for me, the best for the kids and grandkids, by going to kentucky for a while never meant to stay so long never meant to cross the lines never intended to be like that you were my anchor and you were gone guess i put too much on you now it's God's turn to carry me from here till eternity no matter what happens no matter where i go no matter it's all God or it's nothing now honestly? i'm glad you aren't here now in 2020 it's crazy here with the coronavirus pandemic oh you and i would be having a blast together in this quarantine state but it would also drive you crazy ;) i sure miss you though your grounding your sense of reason your words of wisdom just to hear your voice say "it's going to be ok, we are going to be ok - either way" i will forever love you and always miss you with every breath i take in every move i make i know i have a lot of love left in me and a lot of life yet to do not sure how to get from here to there or find out what it means and how to do it it's different without you the regret over the last 5 years is almost more than i can bear at times but God says He has forgiven me i can only hope that somewhere down this road of life i will find forgiveness for myself and trust that you still love me maybe i can yet make you proud of me you often said that you would go crazy without me that you couldn't handle life alone you told me i was strong honey, i hate to admit it but you were wrong i'm the one that lost it when you died i'm the one who cries herself to sleep night after night, 5 years later i work at moving forward but 1 step on seems only to lead to 15 back others are getting frustrated with me sometimes i think the story of the old Indians going off alone is the best way after all reading the Word listening to the music praying with all that is within me what else am i supposed to do rick, i sure do miss you especially today  Good morning, Rick. I wonder if you know just how much I miss you. Always. But there are times I miss you more. When I have a bad dream, like night before last. One of those recurring dreams - where no matter how many times I woke up and went back to sleep, the dream just continued. I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't change the ending. It haunted me all day yesterday, seemed to permeate every part of me. Oh what I would give to be held in your arms after a bad dream, have you once again wipe away my tears with your kisses. Feel the beat of your heart as you wrapped me in your love and care. Just to know that I was guarded and protected. Sigh. When I can't sleep, like last night. Waking up every few minutes all night long. Back aching. Legs cramping. I remember how you used to rub my back, and massage my legs. Do you know how hard it is to not be touched now? I'm realizing more and more that touch deprivation is a real thing - - real, painful, heart breaking. Christmas is only 16 days away. Lights are up - makes me remember when we would go out at night, get a cup of hot chocolate at McDonald's, the white hot chocolate, and drive around looking at Christmas lights ... just the 2 of us. How many hours and gallons of gas did we use when the kids were little - going Christmas light lookin'? But I think we used almost as many just for us. Music plays - reminding me of hearing your voice singing or humming the carols. The Christmas baking & cooking - how you would snitch and I would fuss ... how you would grab me from behind, wrap your arms around me and take a "bite" out of my neck. Sigh. One would think that this 5th Christmas without you would be easier ... it's not. There is no numbness now. Just the pain of emptiness. One would think that being here with family and friends would make things better ... it doesn't. They are all so busy with their own lives and plans. And you know me, I can't ask them to change just for me. Seeing the couples together, even our kids, makes me miss you even more ... how is that possible? To miss you MORE? Yet it is. Oh Rick. I know that death is just a part of life. But the holidays are a stark and blasting reminder of just how sucky a part of life it all is. I miss you. Yes, I am counting the days till Christmas. Maybe I can breathe a little afterwards. I don't want to wish away my life ... but I do have a few thoughts running thru my heart wishing the holidays were over. Sigh. If only there were some way for you to wrap your arms around me now. Hold me. Just for a little while. Oh Rick.  Ever since you died I have struggled with the thoughts and feelings that it should have been me. That if you had lived instead of me you would have known what to do, where to go, and how to get thru this. I have cried a river of tears. I have stomped and stormed. I have tried to just accept and go on. Still lost and confused. Still thinking that it would have been better for everyone had it been me who died instead of you. Then came yesterday afternoon and a moment of clarity, a "light-bulb-moment" as you used to call it. Had it been me who died, you would have been as empty and lost as I am today. We were so much a part of each other. I love you too much to even think any longer that it would have been better. I love you honey. And as hard as this is to deal with - I am glad that you don't have to know the pain and agony of the emptiness and loneliness. I still don't know what to do, nor where to be. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There is such a cavernous and aching emptiness inside of me. But I am breathing ... some days Just Breathing. I am putting one foot in front of the other, taking one moment at a time. I love you and I miss you. After all these months - it is still so hard to believe I will never see you again. That you will never hold me. I will never smell you when you kiss my forehead. This hurts like Hell. And ... I love you too much to wish it were you dealing with it.  Well, Rick ... I had a major meltdown yesterday afternoon. The grief hit me on the blindside - attacked me and threw me totally "under the bus". The tears came, and wouldn't stop again. My breath was ragged. My thoughts were going 90-to-nothing. I really thought I was losing it for a little while. I could not see my way thru that attack. I fought against it for a few minutes, then thought - What the Hell! What difference does it really make? Like who gives a fuck anyway? Let the grief have me. I just don't care anymore. And that was probably the best thing i could have done. Just let the grief have its work in me. The tears came ... and then they dried. The thoughts calmed. And my breath came back. There were those who loved on me, spoke words of encouragement and hope to me. Those who shared their hearts and grief along side me. Those who just were there - and let me know that they were, quietly waiting with me for the grief bus to roll on by. And then, the ones who got in it with me ... wouldn't let go ... made me smile ... even made me giggle. I am so thankful for them. I can't imagine going thru this grief walk without the ones that really get it, that care enough to stay with me - no matter how fucked up i am. There were a couple of people that although i would think they would "get" this grief walk, and know what to say - or what not to say ... sigh. I gotta say that as much as i detest rude behavior, I feel like i got rude with them. I will NOT be rushed or pushed into anything. I am NOT a child in this. And you know me, I do not handle well when others tell me what I will do, or what I cannot do. Make suggestions, give words of encouragement, offer to take me by the hand and gently lead me thru the wreckage of the day ... do NOT draw the lines and insist that i walk on them! Which brings me to my memory for today ... Thank you for all those times that you listened to me - without judging, without criticizing, without telling me what to do. You just LISTENED. You let me talk things out - all the pros and cons, the ins and outs, the ups and downs. You LISTENED. You would offer a word of hope or encouragement, a gentle hand of guiding and leading - but you LISTENED. Thank you!!! Even when you didn't understand - you listened. i know you were tired at times. And surely you had to wish on more than one occasion, that i would just shut up. But you were patient, and kind. You let me talk. Rant. Rave. And when the tears came, you would open your arms and say - Come here Baby. Thank you. I love you.
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September 5, 1980The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!! Categories
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Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His. Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me. Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to. Great grief is indicative of a great Love. Rick, my Sweetheart. Margaret, his Beloved. Always & Forever. |
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