It's different

Hey Rick
I am trying to do this life alone
It’s different
I probably spend too much time wondering what others do who live alone
Especially those who have always been home-bodies, like me
When you were here, and the kids were at home, goodness! 
It always seemed like I barely had time to go to the bathroom! 
Then when the kids grew up and moved on with their lives,
Remember how I felt like I was going crazy for a while?
So bored and lonesome while you were at work
Just that lost feeling
Didn’t know what to do with my time
We had gone from a large house to a small RV - 
So the time it took to clean it was almost nothing
Well, in these 5+ years since you’ve been gone -
I stayed with the kids and grandkids for almost that first year
Then made the worst mistake of my life - 
Went to Kentucky
At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for everyone, me included
But 3 1/2 yrs later, it didn’t take me that long to realize, but took me that long to figure a way out - 
And the gut punch of reality: it WAS the worst mistake of my life
I’m sorry I did that to you, to me, to US
I’m sorry I did that to our kids and grandkids
Guess I will go to my grave with these regrets and wishings
I know, what’s done is done
I can’t get back those times
I can’t make things right either
Some days are harder to face with those 3 1/2 yrs of memories than others are
Guess that’s just the way of life
I find myself gravitating to the stories of people, past and present, who have made mistakes
And have found a way to live life anyway
The movies make me cry hard
The thoughts make me be in a very reflective mood
Probably best that I am living alone, huh? 
I wish you were here
I could really use some words of wisdom and advice right about now
I try to think back to things you always said - 
- to yourself, to me, to the kids, and to others, when faced with bad choices and mistakes
- I know you were harder on yourself than you were on anyone else
- well, so am I
I’m trying hard to be better 
As a woman
As your widow
As the kids’ momma
As the grandkids’ grannee
I just don’t know how to make this life alone
I’m lost, honey
I am writing again, though - 
- thinking of you with every word I type
- I wonder sometimes where the words will lead me, if God really has put this calling on my heart 
- I don’t care one whit about name or fame, nor about money. 
- I do care about healing. My healing. And if God can use me to help someone else heal. 
This is a tough life, this life alone
I’m not stronger than you were, not by a far sight
But as much as I loved you then, and love you still - 
I’m glad it’s me not you. 
It would break my heart if I knew you were having to live like this
- and I guess that’s part of what’s wrong with me now
- I just wonder how you are
- oh I know all that we have been taught about a Christian dying
- but I wonder, is that really true?
- or are you missing me as much as I am missing you? 
God, please don’t let it be like that.