Alone

so much has happened since the last time i wrote
i think about you a thousand times a day
sometimes writing to you makes you seem closer
and sometimes farther away

i worked for the Census 2020 as a field enumerator
learned a lot of things about me in the process
those long drives on the back country roads
there were tears
and there was laughter
so often i felt you riding there with me
the memories flooded my heart
realizations made me pull to the side of the road
i sit here now with tears rolling down my cheeks remembering 

i have a truck now
joshua and shell worked it around with travis
and i have a truck 
it's a ford - which made me smile even more
because you were always a ford man ;) 

i also am living alone after all these years
a small apartment came available in september
and it was past time to take this step
i know that now
it's a good place, and i know you would have loved it here
but it's so much like i figured it would be
hours upon hours of just me 
no phone calls
nowhere to go
no one to see
isolation
alone-ness
fumbling around the days and nights looking for something to do

missing being around the kids and grandkids
missing being around people
just to hear another voice
to get in someone's way
to have someone in my way
to share a meal together
to consider what someone else wants to watch - 
- and have it not be what i want to watch
even to have a disagreement, an argument
to be hugged
a forehead kiss every now and then
i know that everyone needs this time away from me 
yet to know where i am
that i am right here in Texas

and i suppose in some ways i need this time alone, too
oh i know i can do it
and i am not afraid
just lonely
makes me miss you even more than i thought i could

i got sick about 3 days after paying the first month's rent
guessing it was the coronavirus that has had everyone so held in bondage since March
i was very sick for about 7 days, sicker than i ever had been
then the next 7 days i was better, but oh so exhausted
i have slept more in the last 2 weeks than i have slept in my life! 
i'm better now - much better
i still get tired, more quickly and easier than i like to admit
but from all that i have heard and read, that's part of the "normal" after being sick

i got up this morning and since it was a cooler and cloudy fall day
i decided to make a pot of hamburger stew
it's different cooking for just one
i made enough that i will have it for several days now
but it's good - like really good
i've thought a lot about you today
remembering the cooler weather days when we would make a pot of stew
and watch movies
laughing and talking
a hug and a kiss with every chance we had
how that you would snitch those bowls of stew 
"because it needs to be tasted" you would say
oh what wonderful days those were
i will miss you this evening when i sit down alone 
to eat a bowl of "our" stew and a slice of hot cornbread
i will miss you while the movie plays
and i will miss you when i go to bed tonight with a full tummy
your arms around me
the smell of stew in your beard

oh Rick
life is such a challenge without you here 
i miss you
i love you
always yours,
​Megan Lee McCoy