Hey Rick
I am trying to do this life alone It’s different I probably spend too much time wondering what others do who live alone Especially those who have always been home-bodies, like me When you were here, and the kids were at home, goodness! It always seemed like I barely had time to go to the bathroom! Then when the kids grew up and moved on with their lives, Remember how I felt like I was going crazy for a while? So bored and lonesome while you were at work Just that lost feeling Didn’t know what to do with my time We had gone from a large house to a small RV - So the time it took to clean it was almost nothing Well, in these 5+ years since you’ve been gone - I stayed with the kids and grandkids for almost that first year Then made the worst mistake of my life - Went to Kentucky At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for everyone, me included But 3 1/2 yrs later, it didn’t take me that long to realize, but took me that long to figure a way out - And the gut punch of reality: it WAS the worst mistake of my life I’m sorry I did that to you, to me, to US I’m sorry I did that to our kids and grandkids Guess I will go to my grave with these regrets and wishings I know, what’s done is done I can’t get back those times I can’t make things right either Some days are harder to face with those 3 1/2 yrs of memories than others are Guess that’s just the way of life I find myself gravitating to the stories of people, past and present, who have made mistakes And have found a way to live life anyway The movies make me cry hard The thoughts make me be in a very reflective mood Probably best that I am living alone, huh? I wish you were here I could really use some words of wisdom and advice right about now I try to think back to things you always said - - to yourself, to me, to the kids, and to others, when faced with bad choices and mistakes - I know you were harder on yourself than you were on anyone else - well, so am I I’m trying hard to be better As a woman As your widow As the kids’ momma As the grandkids’ grannee I just don’t know how to make this life alone I’m lost, honey I am writing again, though - - thinking of you with every word I type - I wonder sometimes where the words will lead me, if God really has put this calling on my heart - I don’t care one whit about name or fame, nor about money. - I do care about healing. My healing. And if God can use me to help someone else heal. This is a tough life, this life alone I’m not stronger than you were, not by a far sight But as much as I loved you then, and love you still - I’m glad it’s me not you. It would break my heart if I knew you were having to live like this - and I guess that’s part of what’s wrong with me now - I just wonder how you are - oh I know all that we have been taught about a Christian dying - but I wonder, is that really true? - or are you missing me as much as I am missing you? God, please don’t let it be like that.
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September 5, 1980The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!! Categories
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