Hey Rick
I am trying to do this life alone It’s different I probably spend too much time wondering what others do who live alone Especially those who have always been home-bodies, like me When you were here, and the kids were at home, goodness! It always seemed like I barely had time to go to the bathroom! Then when the kids grew up and moved on with their lives, Remember how I felt like I was going crazy for a while? So bored and lonesome while you were at work Just that lost feeling Didn’t know what to do with my time We had gone from a large house to a small RV - So the time it took to clean it was almost nothing Well, in these 5+ years since you’ve been gone - I stayed with the kids and grandkids for almost that first year Then made the worst mistake of my life - Went to Kentucky At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for everyone, me included But 3 1/2 yrs later, it didn’t take me that long to realize, but took me that long to figure a way out - And the gut punch of reality: it WAS the worst mistake of my life I’m sorry I did that to you, to me, to US I’m sorry I did that to our kids and grandkids Guess I will go to my grave with these regrets and wishings I know, what’s done is done I can’t get back those times I can’t make things right either Some days are harder to face with those 3 1/2 yrs of memories than others are Guess that’s just the way of life I find myself gravitating to the stories of people, past and present, who have made mistakes And have found a way to live life anyway The movies make me cry hard The thoughts make me be in a very reflective mood Probably best that I am living alone, huh? I wish you were here I could really use some words of wisdom and advice right about now I try to think back to things you always said - - to yourself, to me, to the kids, and to others, when faced with bad choices and mistakes - I know you were harder on yourself than you were on anyone else - well, so am I I’m trying hard to be better As a woman As your widow As the kids’ momma As the grandkids’ grannee I just don’t know how to make this life alone I’m lost, honey I am writing again, though - - thinking of you with every word I type - I wonder sometimes where the words will lead me, if God really has put this calling on my heart - I don’t care one whit about name or fame, nor about money. - I do care about healing. My healing. And if God can use me to help someone else heal. This is a tough life, this life alone I’m not stronger than you were, not by a far sight But as much as I loved you then, and love you still - I’m glad it’s me not you. It would break my heart if I knew you were having to live like this - and I guess that’s part of what’s wrong with me now - I just wonder how you are - oh I know all that we have been taught about a Christian dying - but I wonder, is that really true? - or are you missing me as much as I am missing you? God, please don’t let it be like that.
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Hey Rick
I am trying to do this life alone It’s different I probably spend too much time wondering what others do who live alone Especially those who have always been home-bodies, like me When you were here, and the kids were at home, goodness! It always seemed like I barely had time to go to the bathroom! Then when the kids grew up and moved on with their lives, Remember how I felt like I was going crazy for a while? So bored and lonesome while you were at work Just that lost feeling Didn’t know what to do with my time We had gone from a large house to a small RV - So the time it took to clean it was almost nothing Well, in these 5+ years since you’ve been gone - I stayed with the kids and grandkids for almost that first year Then made the worst mistake of my life - Went to Kentucky At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for everyone, me included But 3 1/2 yrs later, it didn’t take me that long to realize, but took me that long to figure a way out - And the gut punch of reality: it WAS the worst mistake of my life I’m sorry I did that to you, to me, to US I’m sorry I did that to our kids and grandkids Guess I will go to my grave with these regrets and wishings I know, what’s done is done I can’t get back those times I can’t make things right either Some days are harder to face with those 3 1/2 yrs of memories than others are Guess that’s just the way of life I find myself gravitating to the stories of people, past and present, who have made mistakes And have found a way to live life anyway The movies make me cry hard The thoughts make me be in a very reflective mood Probably best that I am living alone, huh? I wish you were here I could really use some words of wisdom and advice right about now I try to think back to things you always said - - to yourself, to me, to the kids, and to others, when faced with bad choices and mistakes - I know you were harder on yourself than you were on anyone else - well, so am I I’m trying hard to be better As a woman As your widow As the kids’ momma As the grandkids’ grannee I just don’t know how to make this life alone I’m lost, honey I am writing again, though - - thinking of you with every word I type - I wonder sometimes where the words will lead me, if God really has put this calling on my heart - I don’t care one whit about name or fame, nor about money. - I do care about healing. My healing. And if God can use me to help someone else heal. This is a tough life, this life alone I’m not stronger than you were, not by a far sight But as much as I loved you then, and love you still - I’m glad it’s me not you. It would break my heart if I knew you were having to live like this - and I guess that’s part of what’s wrong with me now - I just wonder how you are - oh I know all that we have been taught about a Christian dying - but I wonder, is that really true? - or are you missing me as much as I am missing you? God, please don’t let it be like that. Hey Rick
Well, I am in a place of my own At least for now Guess it depends on how long God wants me to stay here as to how long I am here ;) Just a studio apartment (or efficiency, depending on what you want to call it) Remember that place we lived in outside of Hico, at Kurt and Vicki's? That was what, about 900 sq feet? Well, this is about 500 sq feet. Just about the right size for me, I suppose. One door in, and then just the bathroom door. 2 windows, one large one above the table I have for a desk, and the small one in the bathroom It’s different living alone I think the hardest thing is simply not having anyone to talk to, And no voice coming back to me I talk to God, a lot ... sometimes writing in my journal, sometimes just out loud I listen to music, actually listen to it more when I’m walking or in the truck driving somewhere I watch movies, but usually don’t even turn the TV on till after 5 p.m. I have the Internet now, but typical for a satellite system - doesn’t work on bad weather days - you know, those days when I need it the most, or at least, could use it the most. I also have the ROKU TV box, but of course, it needs the Internet to work - lol Some nights I sleep pretty good, only a couple of turns in the bed And then, there are the nights that sleep is far from me I’m really tired of fighting sleep these days ... - been thinking about just sleeping when I can, day or night - and when I can’t sleep, just get up! Find something to do! So much goes against the way we have always done things Guess that’s just what happens when one dies and one becomes a widow, huh? Now it’s not what “we” do, or what “we” want to eat, not even what “we” want to watch ... It’s about “ME” now And you of all people know just how hard that is for me! I’ve never been one to think of myself And now? All I can do is think of me It’s so weird Strange In some ways so not right And yet, it doesn’t feel wrong I think I will always miss you Probably always write you letters And talk to your picture a thousand times a day saying: You know I love you, right? Well, do you know how much I miss you, too? |
September 5, 1980The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!! Categories
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