I wish you were here now ...

Rick, 
I wish you were here now. 
I miss you - all the time. But today? I could really use some wisdom & counsel. 
You were really good at listening, and letting me rant & rave until I had nothing left inside. 

I've made so many mistakes these 4 years 8 months since you have been gone. 
I am riddled with guilt & regret.
And I don't know how to put things right again. 
There are things that I have done & said that a handful of others may know ... and some, only God & I know. 
I don't want to talk about any of them. Some I am so ashamed of I don't know what to do, wouldn't know the first thing to say. 
I feel strongly that I have disappointed you, let you down & there is NO way in Heaven or on earth that you would say, "You done good girl! I'm proud of you!" 
But now what? 
I can't un-do or un-say one thing.
I can't recall the time ... nor the money.

And here I am, 4 years 8 months later ... 
Still at Joshua's. 
Still dreading going to SS for a visit, much less a stay.
Still feeling much in the way no matter where I am, or who I am with.

I promised you that I would not grieve myself to an early grave.
And that I would love again ... allowing myself to be loved again.
You had no idea what you were asking.
And I was absolutely clueless about what I was promising you.
What am I supposed to do, Rick? 
I can't just walk up to someone and say, "Hey - you want to be my friend & more? Love me and let me love you?" 
I know God can do anything ... 
But I am really questioning if God has given up on me.

As much as I have done wrong since the moment you died?
I have been angry with God - for allowing you to die.
I have questioned God - intensely - for allowing you to die, after all the rivers of tears I cried on your behalf - that you would be healed, that you would live with me for the rest of our days. 
I don't know God anymore. 
I don't know if He wants to know me now.

After everything these 4 years & 8 months ... how can I ask anything of God? 
Especially for myself.

Oh Rick.
How much I miss you today. 
​:(