It's been a while ...

No pretty or cute pictures today sweetheart. Just me - pouring my heart out in these words.
​I wonder if you know just how much I love you, and miss you?
I don't think one is ever old enough to be alone like this ... nor is anyone ever married long enough to be without the other. Not when there was a love like ours.

​I miss so much about you.
Your voice.
Your smile.
That twinkle in your eye.
The way you would pat me on the butt ... or "cop a feel".
I miss you opening your arms to me - hearing you say, "Awww, baby. It's going to be ok. We will make it thru all this."
I miss coffee with you - even tho you didn't really like it, you would drink that first cup with me every morning.
I miss a glass of tea in the evenings.
I miss fixing your meals, and waiting on you.
I miss when you would find me busy and you would fix me a glass of tea, bring it to me and take one drink before handing it to me.
Makes me smile now to remember.
​Memories are sweet ... but they also hurt like hell. Because they aren't real anymore.

​I don't mean to whine or complain - but this widow life sucks! Trying to be strong now for 17 months (come Friday). I'm tired, honey. I think about just giving up, giving in to the sorrow and the grief. I feel so weak at the thought of pressing forward and living this life without you.
You gave me strength and you offered me courage.
​Our life wasn't perfect. We saw a lot of hard times, didn't we? The last few years being the hardest. But thru it all - we stayed together. We held onto one another. We fought life side by side.
In some ways - you won, and I lost. Living with that hurts.

I want to go home. Oh how I want to go home.
​Home is not a house, or a place. Home is being loved, and held. Home is knowing that no matter what - someone has your back. Home is laughter, and disagreements. Home is reality. Oh! I want to go home.
​When those thoughts come - on the heels of those thoughts, is the dark realization that there is no home.
​I have no house or place to call "home". I have no one who waits for me, or misses me. I have no arms that are open to me. There is no one who truly has my back - even when I am wrong.
​I don't even have a place to unpack my suitcase and hang my clothes up - do you know how tired I am of wearing wrinkled clothes? I told you several years ago that I was tired of that. The travels ... the truck driving ... the staying here and staying there. So tired of packing and unpacking. Even more so now. I want to hang my clothes up!
​But more than hanging my clothes up - I want to be held. loved. cared for.
​I miss you.

​I wish I had had the presence of mind in those first few months to hang onto some of the things I miss most now - your coffee cup, your cereal bowl, your favorite glass, spoon and fork, our iron skillet that Momma bought us for a wedding present ... just "things" and "stuff" - but, they were ours! they were now mine. But when the house was taken, and my life was turned inside out - I didn't know what to do with it all. I couldn't think clearly. And now? all that I own will fit comfortably in the back seat of a small car.

​Others talk to me about getting my own place ... I might ought to. But there is no excitement in that for me. I do not do alone very well. I have no desire for that. But I know that I cannot continue to be a burden to those around me.

​I struggle daily to focus on the little things - those things that make me smile. Moments and memories.
​I smile more, and laugh more often ... and I cry less. There are still tears - and on occasion, bitter tears.
Think I am getting stronger at carrying the grief ... but it will always remain. As I will be always in love with you.
​I miss you.