It's been a while since I wrote to you. Course, I talk to you every day - no matter where I am, or who I am with, or what I am doing ... you are in my heart, always in my thoughts.
I hope you know that I love you - have loved you since I was about 10 years old. I knew even then that I wanted to be your wife, the mother of your children, the keeper of your home. I just knew. How many times I was told just how crazy I was - for hanging on to that hope and dream, for not paying these other "boys" any attention. It was easy -- because even then, I loved you. I loved you all those years before we got married ... loved you more the years we were married ... and love you still today ... knowing in my heart that I will always love you - first.
it's been almost 14 months now ... since I heard your voice, since I have seen into your eyes, since I have felt your touch. it blows my mind to think that I have had these nights without you ... I miss you, honey. with all my heart, with all that is within me - I miss you.
if you were here now, there would be no question - I would be right by your side, just like always I was.
2 weeks before you died, you had me sit on the edge of the bed and you said these words that I never wanted to hear from you --
Words that have played over and over in my heart and mind. I can still see your eyes - filled with love. Hear your voice - heavy with passion. And I still feel the tears on my cheeks - oh wait, these tears are this morning as I write this ...
"Listen to me. I don't think I am going to make it thru all of this. I feel like my race is about run, that my life will soon be over. When I am gone I don't want you to wallow in the grief. Grieve you will. Mourn you must. But there will come a day when it will be easier for you. On that day, I want you to wash your face, and open your heart. I want you to live this life you are given. Open your heart and soul - to love and to be loved. You are too young of a woman, and way too beautiful, to live this life alone. Let yourself be found - to love, to be loved, to be "in love". You have not only my permission, and my blessing - but you have this as my final request. Honor me in this. Please. ...oh, and if by some miracle I do make it thru all this - then forget these words!"
And you smiled that twinkle ... you opened your arms, I came into your arms. You folded me up, held me close. You kissed the top of my head. And you let me cry. After a while, with your voice husky - you said, "it is enough".
Oh Rick. I didn't want to hear those words then. But I ache for them now. Just to know that you loved me. To know that you still have my back - even in death. I love you, honey. Oh how I love you. Thank you for this priceless and precious gift you have given me.
Will there be one who loves me? Will there be one that I will love? Time will tell. And as you used to say - "Only heaven knows".
I know this -- there is room in my heart to love and to be loved. Never to forget you - for you have your own place in my heart, as in my life. If love happens - I shall allow it. I will accept your blessing, your permission. Thank you Honey. I love you.
September 5, 1980
The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!!