Well, Rick ... I had a major meltdown yesterday afternoon.
The grief hit me on the blindside - attacked me and threw me totally "under the bus". The tears came, and wouldn't stop again. My breath was ragged. My thoughts were going 90-to-nothing.
I really thought I was losing it for a little while.
I could not see my way thru that attack.
I fought against it for a few minutes, then thought - What the Hell! What difference does it really make? Like who gives a fuck anyway?
Let the grief have me. I just don't care anymore.
And that was probably the best thing i could have done.
Just let the grief have its work in me.
The tears came ... and then they dried.
The thoughts calmed.
And my breath came back.
There were those who loved on me, spoke words of encouragement and hope to me.
Those who shared their hearts and grief along side me.
Those who just were there - and let me know that they were, quietly waiting with me for the grief bus to roll on by.
And then, the ones who got in it with me ...
wouldn't let go ...
made me smile ...
even made me giggle.
I am so thankful for them.
I can't imagine going thru this grief walk without the ones that really get it, that care enough to stay with me - no matter how fucked up i am.
There were a couple of people that although i would think they would "get" this grief walk, and know what to say -
or what not to say ... sigh.
I gotta say that as much as i detest rude behavior, I feel like i got rude with them.
I will NOT be rushed or pushed into anything.
I am NOT a child in this.
And you know me, I do not handle well when others tell me what I will do, or what I cannot do.
Make suggestions, give words of encouragement, offer to take me by the hand and gently lead me thru the wreckage of the day ... do NOT draw the lines and insist that i walk on them!
Which brings me to my memory for today ...
Thank you for all those times that you listened to me - without judging, without criticizing, without telling me what to do.
You just LISTENED.
You let me talk things out - all the pros and cons, the ins and outs, the ups and downs.
You would offer a word of hope or encouragement, a gentle hand of guiding and leading - but you LISTENED.
Even when you didn't understand - you listened.
i know you were tired at times.
And surely you had to wish on more than one occasion, that i would just shut up.
But you were patient, and kind.
You let me talk.
And when the tears came, you would open your arms and say -
Come here Baby.
I love you.
September 5, 1980
The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!!