39 and holding ...
That's what you always said, remember.
Today, September 5, 2019 - we would be celebrating our 39th Anniversary TOGETHER.
And we would be "39 & holding" from then on.
I miss you today.
More than these words could ever say.
I miss everything about you.
Everything about our life together.
I miss you.
Well, Sweetheart ~ ~
It's been a while since I wrote anything here.
I talk to you every day, all day long in my heart.
Finding it hard to write the words though.
I miss you.
You always had my best interest in your heart.
You shielded me, protected me, and cared for me, on every level, in every way.
Sometimes I hope you can hear me, feel me, see me.
Other times? Not so sure.
I wonder if you would be proud of me.
I wonder so much these days.
4 years without you.
And tomorrow will be the 4th birthday I have endured since you went away.
It really bothers me that I am older now than you will ever be … seems that we were both cheated out of so much.
I wish I didn't have to do this alone anymore.
I love you.
Always and forever.
I love you -
Ever since you died I have struggled with the thoughts and feelings that it should have been me.
That if you had lived instead of me you would have known what to do, where to go, and how to get thru this.
I have cried a river of tears.
I have stomped and stormed.
I have tried to just accept and go on.
Still lost and confused.
Still thinking that it would have been better for everyone had it been me who died instead of you.
Then came yesterday afternoon and a moment of clarity, a "light-bulb-moment" as you used to call it.
Had it been me who died, you would have been as empty and lost as I am today.
We were so much a part of each other.
I love you too much to even think any longer that it would have been better.
I love you honey.
And as hard as this is to deal with - I am glad that you don't have to know the pain and agony of the emptiness and loneliness.
I still don't know what to do, nor where to be.
I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
There is such a cavernous and aching emptiness inside of me.
But I am breathing ...
some days Just Breathing.
I am putting one foot in front of the other, taking one moment at a time.
I love you and I miss you.
After all these months - it is still so hard to believe I will never see you again.
That you will never hold me.
I will never smell you when you kiss my forehead.
This hurts like Hell.
I love you too much to wish it were you dealing with it.
I wish ...
You always said "wish in one hand - sh*t in the other" and see which one fills up the fastest.
So, I know you would not approve of this blog post. But these are my thoughts today.
I wish you had taken the chance when we first learned about the diabetes in 1995. That you had gotten angry enough to fight it. Not have the attitude of "no one is going to tell me what I can or cannot eat, what I will or won't do".
I wish I had been worth the fight.
I miss you.
I love you.
I wonder ...
I wonder if you know how much I miss you today ... and allowing myself to miss ONE thing about you? I miss your wisdom and perspective.
Oh Rick. I am so confused and frustrated. You always said to "go where the peace is". And if there is no peace to go - then stay. What happens when there is no peace to go ... but there is no peace to stay? I wish that I could just disappear for a while - at least till some of the confusion and distress eases. If there was a safe refuge to go to - I would be there before night falls tonight.
I love our kids and grandkids. You knew how much then ... and I know how much now. They don't understand the grief and tears. They don't get the change in me. I hope they never do. Neither of them have the room (or life) for me. They have their lives - and they are doing good, honestly better than I really thought they would. They have the day to day stresses, but over all? They are doing good. You gave them a firm foundation to stand on, to build their lives on. You did good. They love you and they miss you. They grieve - but they are slowly moving forward in this life.
I don't really "fit" with either of their lives. They know that. I know that.
They love me. I have no doubt. They tell me that they want me happy - no matter where I am. What they don't understand? I don't even know what true happiness is anymore.
They both have told me that I am welcome in their homes - for as long as I want to be there. That they will "make a way", "make room". I appreciate that more than these words can say.
I don't really feel like a "third wheel" when I am there - but I certainly don't feel like I belong either. I don't know my place in their home - what to do, or what not to do. Seems like I create more stress than joy when I am there. Perhaps I do ... maybe I don't. I don't know anymore.
I don't mean to sound selfish - but, 19 months of sleeping in a recliner, or on a couch ... I am so grateful and thankful to have somewhere to rest, to lay my head - out of the weather, in safety. But, honey! I am aching for more - arms to hold me, a bed to lie down in. I know those nights are over now ... it's hard to accept. Leaves me more tired than I ever thought possible. The realizations and the struggle to accept. There is a weariness that I cannot explain in trying to figure all this out.
Thankfully, I was awarded the widow benefits. Which means I have a little money each month - I am not totally dependent on anyone. But it really is not enough to "live" on. I have priced apartments, and houses. I have even considered living in an RV again. I have looked into working - but a 55 year old woman is not in great demand. And considering I would need to make at least as much as the widow benefits - the opportunities are even fewer and farther between. Working will remove the widow benefits. Damned if I do - and damned if I don't. I wish a thousand times over again that you (we) had better prepared for this time. Sigh. But we didn't. And now ...
Staying with a friend - helping out as much as I can. But even here it feels like I am more of a burden than a joy. I feel in the way - even tho I try to make my "space", and me, as small as possible. I care perhaps too much. I worry that my leaving will create a hardship ... but then I worry that my staying will place a heavy burden that should not have to be borne.
Others make comments - because they don't understand. They aren't living this life. And even the ones who know grief, they don't understand every point of this for me. I am finding that words hurt more than I really care to admit. I keep saying that I do not care what anyone thinks or says - my heart screams loudly, "Yes, you do!"
I am not afraid to leave ... I just don't know where to go, or when to leave.
I am not afraid to be alone ... I just don't know where to be, or how to get there from here.
I am not even afraid to love again ... but I cannot make someone love me, cannot twist their arm to care for me.
And i am not afraid to disappear - in so many ways i feel like i already have. not enough to satisfy some. i just don't know how to make that happen either.
i keep looking for direction ... for a purpose in my being alive. why was it me that lived thru cancer? so many do not. why did i live, and you didn't?
i don't know if i can keep doing this ... i never thought i would get to the point of giving up.
Oh honey! Nothing is right.
i wish a thousand times over again that i could hear your voice, feel your arms, know your wisdom.
what should i do?
where should i be?
I hate this life. being a widow sucks.
how much i miss belonging.
day after tomorrow is Thanksgiving ... and i hate all of this!
i love you - always did ... always will.
i miss you, too.
It's me again ...
I never thought I could be so weary ... but here i am - weary to the core.
I never thought I could be so lonely - but here i am - lonely doesn't begin to describe the emptiness within me and just how lost i feel.
I just honestly want to go home.
but there is no home.
home is NOT a house. home is NOT a place.
home is - -
- - knowing that you are loved
- - knowing that you are safe
- - knowing that someone has your back when the world is against you
- - knowing that you are not judged nor criticized
- - knowing that you are supported and encouraged
- - knowing that arms wait for you
- - knowing that a heart would hurt missing you if you weren't there
i just want to go home.
Oh Rick. I miss you.
even the bad days and times - i miss you.
i knew you loved me - even when we argued.
i knew you wanted me in your life - no matter what others thought or said.
i just knew where i stood with you.
i was yours.
i am me. mine.
i don't want to do this anymore.
i have tried.
oh how i have tried.
i don't want to anymore.
i want to go home.
and yet, here i sit.
tears rolling down my face.
knowing that there is no home.
knowing that arms do not wait for me.
knowing that no one stands at the ready when the world (or just one person) is set against me.
even you knew that i do not do well alone --
so i wonder why you had to leave?
it is so not fair.
oh honey! who will ever want me?
not just for what i can do?
not just for being a warm body in bed?
but for my heart? my hopes? my dreams?
for the ideas that abound within me?
for the drive and passion that i have?
you knew all my faults and flaws ...
you were well aware of my shortcomings.
yet, you loved me ... perhaps because you were stuck with me. you did promise to love me no matter what. *wink*
but, seriously, who in their right mind would want a 55 year old woman - me?
i don't need to remind you (or myself) of all the reasons why no one will want me.
if you didn't want me to be alone - you shouldn't have left.
i love you.
i miss you.
just a bad Saturday evening. with not much hope of a better night.
tomorrow is another day - i will try again.
It's been a while ...
No pretty or cute pictures today sweetheart. Just me - pouring my heart out in these words.
I wonder if you know just how much I love you, and miss you?
I don't think one is ever old enough to be alone like this ... nor is anyone ever married long enough to be without the other. Not when there was a love like ours.
I miss so much about you.
That twinkle in your eye.
The way you would pat me on the butt ... or "cop a feel".
I miss you opening your arms to me - hearing you say, "Awww, baby. It's going to be ok. We will make it thru all this."
I miss coffee with you - even tho you didn't really like it, you would drink that first cup with me every morning.
I miss a glass of tea in the evenings.
I miss fixing your meals, and waiting on you.
I miss when you would find me busy and you would fix me a glass of tea, bring it to me and take one drink before handing it to me.
Makes me smile now to remember.
Memories are sweet ... but they also hurt like hell. Because they aren't real anymore.
I don't mean to whine or complain - but this widow life sucks! Trying to be strong now for 17 months (come Friday). I'm tired, honey. I think about just giving up, giving in to the sorrow and the grief. I feel so weak at the thought of pressing forward and living this life without you.
You gave me strength and you offered me courage.
Our life wasn't perfect. We saw a lot of hard times, didn't we? The last few years being the hardest. But thru it all - we stayed together. We held onto one another. We fought life side by side.
In some ways - you won, and I lost. Living with that hurts.
I want to go home. Oh how I want to go home.
Home is not a house, or a place. Home is being loved, and held. Home is knowing that no matter what - someone has your back. Home is laughter, and disagreements. Home is reality. Oh! I want to go home.
When those thoughts come - on the heels of those thoughts, is the dark realization that there is no home.
I have no house or place to call "home". I have no one who waits for me, or misses me. I have no arms that are open to me. There is no one who truly has my back - even when I am wrong.
I don't even have a place to unpack my suitcase and hang my clothes up - do you know how tired I am of wearing wrinkled clothes? I told you several years ago that I was tired of that. The travels ... the truck driving ... the staying here and staying there. So tired of packing and unpacking. Even more so now. I want to hang my clothes up!
But more than hanging my clothes up - I want to be held. loved. cared for.
I miss you.
I wish I had had the presence of mind in those first few months to hang onto some of the things I miss most now - your coffee cup, your cereal bowl, your favorite glass, spoon and fork, our iron skillet that Momma bought us for a wedding present ... just "things" and "stuff" - but, they were ours! they were now mine. But when the house was taken, and my life was turned inside out - I didn't know what to do with it all. I couldn't think clearly. And now? all that I own will fit comfortably in the back seat of a small car.
Others talk to me about getting my own place ... I might ought to. But there is no excitement in that for me. I do not do alone very well. I have no desire for that. But I know that I cannot continue to be a burden to those around me.
I struggle daily to focus on the little things - those things that make me smile. Moments and memories.
I smile more, and laugh more often ... and I cry less. There are still tears - and on occasion, bitter tears.
Think I am getting stronger at carrying the grief ... but it will always remain. As I will be always in love with you.
I miss you.
June 13th, 2016
It's been a while since I wrote to you. Course, I talk to you every day - no matter where I am, or who I am with, or what I am doing ... you are in my heart, always in my thoughts.
I hope you know that I love you - have loved you since I was about 10 years old. I knew even then that I wanted to be your wife, the mother of your children, the keeper of your home. I just knew. How many times I was told just how crazy I was - for hanging on to that hope and dream, for not paying these other "boys" any attention. It was easy -- because even then, I loved you. I loved you all those years before we got married ... loved you more the years we were married ... and love you still today ... knowing in my heart that I will always love you - first.
it's been almost 14 months now ... since I heard your voice, since I have seen into your eyes, since I have felt your touch. it blows my mind to think that I have had these nights without you ... I miss you, honey. with all my heart, with all that is within me - I miss you.
if you were here now, there would be no question - I would be right by your side, just like always I was.
2 weeks before you died, you had me sit on the edge of the bed and you said these words that I never wanted to hear from you --
Words that have played over and over in my heart and mind. I can still see your eyes - filled with love. Hear your voice - heavy with passion. And I still feel the tears on my cheeks - oh wait, these tears are this morning as I write this ...
"Listen to me. I don't think I am going to make it thru all of this. I feel like my race is about run, that my life will soon be over. When I am gone I don't want you to wallow in the grief. Grieve you will. Mourn you must. But there will come a day when it will be easier for you. On that day, I want you to wash your face, and open your heart. I want you to live this life you are given. Open your heart and soul - to love and to be loved. You are too young of a woman, and way too beautiful, to live this life alone. Let yourself be found - to love, to be loved, to be "in love". You have not only my permission, and my blessing - but you have this as my final request. Honor me in this. Please. ...oh, and if by some miracle I do make it thru all this - then forget these words!"
And you smiled that twinkle ... you opened your arms, I came into your arms. You folded me up, held me close. You kissed the top of my head. And you let me cry. After a while, with your voice husky - you said, "it is enough".
Oh Rick. I didn't want to hear those words then. But I ache for them now. Just to know that you loved me. To know that you still have my back - even in death. I love you, honey. Oh how I love you. Thank you for this priceless and precious gift you have given me.
Will there be one who loves me? Will there be one that I will love? Time will tell. And as you used to say - "Only heaven knows".
I know this -- there is room in my heart to love and to be loved. Never to forget you - for you have your own place in my heart, as in my life. If love happens - I shall allow it. I will accept your blessing, your permission. Thank you Honey. I love you.
Independence . . .
Rick, i sit here this morning with a thousand thoughts and memories.
Sifting thru them, wondering what to write about.
It's hard sometimes to find the words - when i love you so much, when i miss you like crazy.
But what comes to the front of my mind and heart this morning is the independence you put in me.
When we got married, 35+ years ago, you asked me if i wanted a career - outside the home.
You told me before i answered that you would support me and do all you could to help me - whatever i wanted to do.
I didn't even have to think about it.
I remember looking at you - and telling you that i wanted to be your wife, the mother of your children one day, and the keeper of your home.
I still see the pride and joy in your eyes.
I see the glistening of passion and honor there.
And i hear your voice - "Well, then. I will make the living, you make the living worthwhile."
That is what we did ... for 34 years, 7 months, 17 days and 11 hours.
You also said, how many times did you say this to others? - "I have a very obedient wife."
Other guys would look at you and call "Bullshit" --
and your answer was always the same ...
"No seriously - she is very obedient. Always does exactly what i tell her. Because i told her to do whatever she wants to do - and i am big enough to back her up in it. And that is what she does - whatever she wants to!"
I miss that about you.
But i am so thankful for all those years of having that from you.
Course, that makes me a little more hard to deal with now.
There are those that wish i would listen to what they think and say more. That wish i was not so independently minded.
All i can say - Oh well!
It is who i am ...
Rick worked too hard to get me to where i am.
I will honor your legacy, your memory.
And i will stand on my own feet, even if i stumble and fall.
I miss knowing that you are there to steady me, or pick me up.
I miss knowing that you are there to defend me.
Makes me feel a bit vulnerable now.
But - I am learning to stand firm.
To draw those lines about meself.
I love you Rick.
I miss you.
You Listened . . .
Well, Rick ... I had a major meltdown yesterday afternoon.
The grief hit me on the blindside - attacked me and threw me totally "under the bus". The tears came, and wouldn't stop again. My breath was ragged. My thoughts were going 90-to-nothing.
I really thought I was losing it for a little while.
I could not see my way thru that attack.
I fought against it for a few minutes, then thought - What the Hell! What difference does it really make? Like who gives a fuck anyway?
Let the grief have me. I just don't care anymore.
And that was probably the best thing i could have done.
Just let the grief have its work in me.
The tears came ... and then they dried.
The thoughts calmed.
And my breath came back.
There were those who loved on me, spoke words of encouragement and hope to me.
Those who shared their hearts and grief along side me.
Those who just were there - and let me know that they were, quietly waiting with me for the grief bus to roll on by.
And then, the ones who got in it with me ...
wouldn't let go ...
made me smile ...
even made me giggle.
I am so thankful for them.
I can't imagine going thru this grief walk without the ones that really get it, that care enough to stay with me - no matter how fucked up i am.
There were a couple of people that although i would think they would "get" this grief walk, and know what to say -
or what not to say ... sigh.
I gotta say that as much as i detest rude behavior, I feel like i got rude with them.
I will NOT be rushed or pushed into anything.
I am NOT a child in this.
And you know me, I do not handle well when others tell me what I will do, or what I cannot do.
Make suggestions, give words of encouragement, offer to take me by the hand and gently lead me thru the wreckage of the day ... do NOT draw the lines and insist that i walk on them!
Which brings me to my memory for today ...
Thank you for all those times that you listened to me - without judging, without criticizing, without telling me what to do.
You just LISTENED.
You let me talk things out - all the pros and cons, the ins and outs, the ups and downs.
You would offer a word of hope or encouragement, a gentle hand of guiding and leading - but you LISTENED.
Even when you didn't understand - you listened.
i know you were tired at times.
And surely you had to wish on more than one occasion, that i would just shut up.
But you were patient, and kind.
You let me talk.
And when the tears came, you would open your arms and say -
Come here Baby.
I love you.
September 5, 1980
The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!!