October 21, 2018

I hope your Sunday morning is filled with quietness.
That peace surrounds you like a warm blanket on a cool morning.
That you know you are loved. 


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If ever there were words of truth ...
these are!
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​Today's quote worth sharing: “If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done.” Bruce Lee

This touched my heart this morning 
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Blocker was born in De Kalb, Bowie County, Texas December 10, 1928.
Soon after his birth, the family moved to O'Donnell, Texas in Lynn County, where they operated a store.
The former Blocker Store is now an abandoned building in downtown O'Donnell.
As a boy, he attended Texas Military Institute, and in 1946 played football at Hardin-Simmons University in Abilene, Texas.
In 1947, he transferred to and later graduated from Sul Ross State Teacher's College in Alpine, Texas, in 1950, where he was a star football player.
Blocker's career as a football player was cut short when he was drafted into the United States Army during the Korean War in 1951.
He received a Purple Heart for wounds in combat.
After two years of military service, he went on to earn a master's degree in the dramatic arts.
While a student, Blocker worked as a rodeo performer and as a bouncer in a beer bar.
After college, Blocker worked as a high-school English and drama teacher in Sonora, Texas in Sutton County, from 1953 to 1958.
Later, he was a sixth-grade teacher and coach at Eddy Elementary School in Carlsbad, New Mexico, and then a teacher in California.
Blocker's acting career start in 1956 when he appeared in a Three Stooges short, Outer Space Jitters, having portrayed the part of The Goon, billed as "Don Blocker".
He made two appearances on the long-running Gunsmoke series:
the first on August 25, 1956, in "Alarm at Pleasant Valley"
and the second on October 18, 1958, in "Thoroughbreds".
He also appeared in 1957 as Will in the episode, "A Time to Die" of the ABC/Warner Brothers Western series, Colt .45, starring Wayde Preston.
Blocker's big break came in 1959, when he was cast as Eric "Hoss" Cartwright on the long-running NBC television series Bonanza, and played the role in 415 episodes until his death.
On May 13, 1972, Blocker died in Los Angeles at age 43 of a pulmonary embolism following gall bladder surgery.
Blocker's remains are interred in a family plot in Woodmen Cemetery, in De Kalb, Texas, although he had lived there only briefly.
The common grave site is marked by a plain stone with the name "B. Dan D. Blocker" engraved;
​two family members are buried beside him.

There are moments (and sometimes days or nights) that I am simply overwhelmed with all that I have lost, all that I don't have (not just Rick, but all that I have lost in these 3 years & 7 months), all the unknown for my today and my tomorrows, and the grief monster seems to be gaining ground against my mind and heart. 
It is a hard road to live this life as a widow (or widower).
Time doesn't fix it, even though some (other widows & widowers included) expect it that it will, or that it should. 
Everyone's grief tsunami / journey is different - just as our love and life with those gone were different as well.
I have yet to meet (in real life, or online) anyone who has the understanding of experience for what I am living with, and surviving. 
I wish I could say that I am good at this life as a widow.
I breathe in and I breathe out.
I search for the smiles in every moment (not saying I always find them).
I struggle with every decision, missing that sounding board I had, missing knowing that someone had my back - even when I made a wrong decision.
I have been told that I share too much,
talk too much,
laugh too loud,
cry more than anyone else.
That I should "get over it all",
"find a life for myself",
"love myself enough that someone else will love me, too".
Even by those who should "get" this way of life.
I press on wanting to be that widow for Rick that he would be proud of,
that he would open his arms to me, and say,
"You done good, girl"