October 23, 2018

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“Sometimes the questions are complicated
​and the answers are simple.”
Dr. Seuss


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Just a few thoughts this morning: 3 years. 7 months.
My mind (without my permission or help) has chosen not only to count the time since, but also to relive those last few months, weeks, days.
It's like a movie playing that I cannot stop.
The last night together is the strongest right now.
That last hour as I sat by his bed, waiting on the dialysis cycler to get to a point where I could jump in the shower while he slept.
His last words, "My legs are cramping like crazy."
That last look from his eyes - so full of love and a peace that I had never seen.
I am thankful that he no longer suffers.
But oh how I miss him.
I love him so much.
There are more smiles these days, less tears ...
however, an emptiness and a loneliness covers me as a blanket.
I'm tired. A heart tired. A soul tired. A weariness that defies description.
Words just aren't enough.
I know me better now - what I want, what I don't want.
But I don't know how to get "there" from "here".
Time has slowed, almost stopped, for me, or at least at times it seems so.
However, Life goes on.
One breath at a time ...
finding a smile where I can ...
looking for peace of mind and a quiet heart ...
missing so much arms around me.
That knowing where I belong.
That feeling of quiet within. 
Rick, I hope you are truly resting in peace.
You earned that, you deserve it.
You fought so long and so hard.
I loved you then ... I love you now.
I miss you like crazy.
Forever your Megan Lee

After much thought, many tears, lots of laughs - - another light bulb moment today happened.
Sometimes the best thinking I do is when I write.
So, after writing a comment earlier, I sat here and reread what I had written, and it was simply a "Wow" moment for me. 
Here is the comment:
"After 3 years & 7 months, I realize it (the grief) isn't going to end.
But then, the more I think about it?
I don't want it to end.
Great grief is indicative of great love.
We loved one another with a love that will never die, even tho he did.
Our love lives on in my heart and life,
in our kids and grandkids,
in the memories we shared,
and the legacy he left.
I will proudly wear the grief, while living this life with as much grace and dignity as I can."