Left on December 21, 2018 - returned to KY on December 29, 2018.
3 days with Mandy and her bunch. 3 days with Joshua and his.
Long enough to confirm some thing to my heart.
Not near long enough to relax and enjoy fully.
I did go thru a few of my things at Joshua's, and I brought some back with me.
They are sitting packed in a plastic tote, waiting for my car to get out of the shop. I will put them in the back of the car (2004 Lexus 330XR), and I will have "me more important things about me" no matter where I am.
My heart is heavy, my spirit grieves.
I still don't know where to be, nor what to do.
I thought having me things about me would make me feel better.
It makes me realize moment after moment, day after day, that I do not have a HOME. That I truly do not belong anywhere, nor to anyone.
As I look at those things, knowing they are there - - I feel an emptiness, a loneliness, that I did not expect.
Rick, I had a pretty good idea of the nightmare it would be without you.
I look back at my journal, reading the words I wrote then - and it is eerie how true those thoughts and emotions have become my reality now.
I miss you.
There is not one thing about you that I do not miss.
And on top of missing everything about YOU - I miss all that went along with you, with me, with us, with our life together.
I miss loving you, and being loved.
I miss knowing without question where my bed was, where our life was being lived out.
The plans we made, the dreams we held for one another.
Working to make a higher quality of life together.
Oh how I miss so much -
Yes, I am trying to dig deeper and truly accept that those days are gone. Never to be lived again.
But, dammit! It is the hardest thing I have ever done.
I wish you had fought harder - from the first word of having diabetes. When we could have made the changes that would have given you more quantity of life with me. Sigh.
I love you.
I miss you.