And for Rick and I? Well, 2015 came in with no good moods, and very few good words to one another. Not the way I had intended for the first day of 2015 to be. Sigh. Guess that's just life though. Bad days do not know a holiday. Sigh.
Just before noon, Rick and I decided for me to go to The Star and get the leftovers from last evening. The ice was not on the ground - ground was just too warm to hold it. But it was everywhere else. And honestly? It was so pretty that I couldn't take my eyes off it! Wow. Just awesome! I took a few pictures with my phone ... makes me wish even more for a good camera. Thanking God for such an awesome display of beauty!
I got back to the house with the food, and Rick was NOT in a good mood at all. (I only thought the mood earlier had been bad - oh my!)
--now he did not want to get out and go with me to The Star.
--I had to warm the car up to melt the ice off the windshield before I could leave the yard here at the RV - took about 15 minutes. Which I told him it would.
--I went straight to The Star. I didn't stop to visit anyone - I didn't even see anyone!
--Got the food out of The Star, loaded it in the car, and I drove straight back here.
(we are only a few hundred yards from The Star)
--again, didn't see anyone, didn't stop to visit.
But when he opened the front door as I was getting the food out of the car - he hollers at me - "WHY DID YOU DRIVE AROUND THE PARK?" What? "I SAW YOU DRIVE AROUND HERE! WHY DID IT TAKE YOU SO LONG? WHERE WERE YOU? WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE?" Oh my word. I just looked at him. I didn't know how to respond. Unbelievable. I tried to explain what I did, as well as what I didn't do.
Needless to say - the rest of the day went down hill FAST.
I tried hard to be a "good wife" tho. I didn't argue back. I just shut up, prayed, and put the food away. I prattled on about how pretty the ice was on the trees and the fences and the RV's. His response? Go! Go take pictures if that is what you want to do! ??? I was just sharing what I had seen. Sigh.
Like I said - the rest of the day went down hill FAST. Fast enough that I had a migraine from HELL before 3 p.m. Sigh.
I know he is hurting. And I know that this life is not what he had expected, nor planned, certainly not what he dreamed. Well, (selfishly and sarcastically said here) -- I am hurting, too ... and this is not the life I had expected, planned, or dreamed EITHER! But it is the life we have ... and we should be doing our best to live the highest quality of life we can - to the glory of God our Father. Sigh.
It's hard at times like this not to think about the way things used to be for us, and between us. But on this day - every time I even tried to think about what "used to be" -- all I could come up with was the way that things COULD be, SHOULD be.
My prayer -- God, help us thru this. Rick is miserable - help him to find Peace, Love, and Joy ... in YOU. And help me not to fall victim to the "misery loves company" ways. Help me to stay strong in the faith - and to be a strength, a calming strength, a voice of reason. Help me to love him enough thru all this. O God - help us both.
--Jan. 2, after a bad moment in a fairly decent day - I wrote this on Facebook --
One of the saddest things to me? Having a pretty decent/good day - even though it is cold and wet and nasty with the weather. Then, BAM! A comment from someone that you love, and a knife straight to the heart. Day feels like it just got shot to h***! Sigh. And now all that sounds good to do is find a fairly comfortable place to curl up with a favorite blankie and cry myself into a deep sleep! Sigh.
--Jan. 3. Rick had a low blood sugar. Not dangerously low. 82 - but that is a short drop to dangerously low for a dialysis patient. Of course, he said he was going to eat breakfast, so I gave him the Humalog insulin shot ... and then, he didn't eat. Arghhhh!!!!! I finally argued with him enough that he drank some orange juice and ate peanut butter and crackers. 20 minutes later his blood sugar was up to 134. Sigh.
--We watched "The Equalizer" with Denzel Washington. Oh my! Such an awesome movie! I enjoyed that so much!!!!!
--Jan. 4. We splurged for lunch - went to eat at the Brazos River Fish House. Good food. Cold wind blowing, but good food.
--Jan. 5. I have been trying to get his phosphorus binders at the Walmart pharmacy since Friday of last week. Sigh. He has refills on the prescription, but the date on the prescription has expired. The doctor's office waits on Walmart to fax over a refill notice ... and Walmart waits for the doctor's office to fax over a prescription! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!! I have been on the phone with both of them so much in the last few days! Good grief! You would think I am trying to get a grade 10 narcotic (is there even such a thing?) ... instead of Calcium Acetate - a phosphorus binder for a dialysis patient! Good grief!!!!!
--Jan. 6. We went to town. Picked up a few things at Walmart - still not his phosphorus binders, though!
Just days of LIFE. Sigh.