And with that being said ...
I thought about not writing this at all. It has been on my heart and in my thoughts for the last 2-3 days. I tried to put it away, to forget it. But it seemed that every time I read anything - something written was reminding me of it. So ... with many tears, and a bucket load of prayers ...
I am a widow who is 6 months and 4 days old. Give me a break!!! I do NOT have all this together. I do NOT understand everything. I have many questions, but few answers.
I have not been angry with God, nor with Rick. And I am not angry with either of them yet. I don't think I will be, either. So, for those who are telling me that it is "ok" to be angry with God and/or Rick - I get that. It is ok. But I am NOT. I also am NOT in denial about being angry!
I am getting angry - or is angry the right emotion? perhaps it is frustrated? irritated? weary and tired? - with the words of others ... and I really pray, really struggle, really try to understand the words of others. I want to believe that they mean well with their words. I want to understand that if they have never been a widow they do not know the depth of the pain that is there from losing my heart and my life as Rick's wife, nor the depth of pain and struggle that their "kind" and "encouraging" words can cause.
--that this is "God's will". I don't believe that. Judge me if you will. But Rick and I had this conversation many times in our years together. And we agreed - God's will is for LIFE. The Bible teaches this. However, we live in a fallen world. Jesus said that in this world we would have trouble. Part of that life trouble is death. Jesus also said that HE had overcome the world. I believe that!
--that Rick is "in a better place". I know he is free of the pain and suffering, the struggle of this life. So, I guess he is "in a better place". But honestly? When my heart and soul feel like they have been ripped out and I am empty inside - it is NOT that much of a comfort to think that. I'm sorry. This is my one selfish thought - Yes, I want him free of pain and suffering - but at the same time, I want him to miss me as much as I miss me. Sue me.
--that God needed Rick more than I needed him. I'm sorry - but as it is said on the movie, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" ... BULLSHIT!!! Read the writings of David in the Psalms. He said that no one praises God in death, or in the grave. God is God. He allowed me to love Rick, and He had Rick love me. Together Rick and I made the commitment that we needed God more than we needed one another ... but I do not believe that God needed Rick more than I needed him.
--that I need to get over the grief and go on with my life. YOU didn't lose your Sweetheart, your Soul-mate, the love of your life, the reason you smile and laugh, the one who loved you with a passion ... I DID. I am just sick and tired of defending my grief, and the time I am taking to grieve. I will ALWAYS grieve for my Rick. ALWAYS & FOREVER!!!!! Deal with it, or don't. I don't care. This is my heart, my life - I grieve. Deep grief = a deep love.
I am going on with my life. I have moments that I cry--sometimes softly, a memory escapes and rolls down my cheek --- and sometimes it is a raging tsunami that takes me under for a while. I will arise ..... God is holding me - even in the storms, under the waters, thru the fire - God is holding me. And besides - I am a strong Texas woman (Rick's words more than once).
All of this caught me off guard. I don't care how "prepared" you are for death to happen -- know this one thing ... you are NOT prepared! Sigh.
One of the many things that still causes me to pause and to wonder - how alone I am now. Alone of family ... alone of friends. Is it because they blame me for Rick's death? I don't know. Perhaps, at least some of them. Is it because they don't know what to say to my words of grief? Perhaps - but I think how much it would help me to go thru the grief just to hear their stories, their memories, to hear Rick's name on their words. Is it because they blame me for "taking him away" thru the years? Most likely. At least for some. But if they knew Rick at all - they would know that he had a mind and a will of his own, and those years that we lived "away"? Well, that was RICK. I agreed to live away because I loved him and his happiness was my greatest joy. Is it because they don't know how to respond to me when the tears come? Perhaps. But all I can wish is for someone who loved Rick to take me in their arms and if they don't cry with me, at least give me a safe place to cry some memories out.