I don't know how to walk this walk of grief ... i don't know how to live without Rick. This is all new for me. And just like the rest of life - there is no manual. no instructions. no how-to make it thru with any semblance of sanity.
But i thank God that i am not alone in this.
I have one in my life who walks with me, who talks with me, who shares the heart and soul of this life with me.
One who has been there for me in the middle of the day when the memories are overwhelming and takes my breath away. This one gets it. This one's breath is taken away by this walk, too.
One who says a sweet good morning - because that is one of those times i feel the most alone.
One who whispers a precious good night - because the loneliness is almost too much to bear those moments before closing my eyes.
How precious is a friendship with one who gets this life.
I wish a thousand times over that we had never met - because that would mean that our loved ones had not left us. But a thousand times over i am thankful that if we must walk this way, at least we can be friends in it together.
Music has always been a major force in my life. From the time i can barely remember as a kid growing up. A radio played. A record was turning. And when there was neither - Momma sang. God love that woman - she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket! But she sang - with her heart and soul. She sang.
And then, with Rick.
When words would not come for either of us - there was always a song. A song to be shared. A song to be remembered.
How many times did he call me from work - even before cell phones - and tell me to listen to a certain song that was playing on the radio?
How many times he called the radio station and requested a song be played for me - at a certain time.
How much money have we spent thru the years on 8-tracks (yes, i am that old), cassettes, CD's?
Concerts that we have went to, somehow affording the time and the money.
Nights when we would sit under the stars and he would softly sing - song after song after song. Until his voice literally gave out. And still leave me wanting more.
Times when i could not sleep, troubled with life - and he would hold me in his arms, and just sing to me. Calming me and quieting me. Making me just to know that no matter what - everything would somehow be ok.
In all of the sickness and hard times that we endured those years, Music was the anchor for our hearts and souls.
Hours upon hours we listened to the music. Music had a way of easing Rick's pain when the medications would not. And music touched that place deep within him and brought peace to him in the worst of times.
The last few months of his life, the music was not fully shared. He had a set of earphones and he wore them, listening to the music. It was like he needed to be as close to the music as he could be.
But ... for these last 33 weeks, i have listened to very little music.
It was just too much for me to bear.
My soul was in darkness.
My spirit was crushed.
I cry enough tears without the music. Or so i thought.
I am slowly finding out that the tears i cried without the music were so completely different than the tears with the music.
The tears with the music actually feel like healing tears.
tears that hold more hope than despair.
tears that hold promise of tomorrow,
not just the emptiness of today.
So, to this one who has shared the music with me - thank you.
You are helping me in ways that i have no words to explain ... but there will be a song that i will share with you one day.