well, it's been 5 years now
5 years since i felt your touch
5 years since i looked into your eyes
5 years since i heard your voice say, "I love you"
i miss you more than i have words to tell
i know you would smile that smile of yours
and tell me how silly i was being if i told you
that i miss even our arguments
but i do
i miss everything about you
i miss everything about us
you were more than my husband
you were my best friend
you were my memory keeper
you were the one who could make me mad as an old wet hen
but you were also the one who could turn my giggle box upside down
i miss the way you smelled
the way your skin felt beneath my fingers
the touch of your whiskers on my neck
i miss the better half of me
i certainly don't feel like much of a woman without you
i've tried -
but failed miserably
i'm back in the arms of God now
so that's a good thing
when you died, i lost my way
i tried to be strong
but everything went wrong
i'm sorry honey that i let you down
that will be the regret of my life i know
i thought i was doing the best for me, the best for the kids and grandkids,
by going to kentucky for a while
never meant to stay so long
never meant to cross the lines
never intended to be like that
you were my anchor
and you were gone
guess i put too much on you
now it's God's turn to carry me
from here till eternity
no matter what happens
no matter where i go
it's all God
or it's nothing now
i'm glad you aren't here now in 2020
it's crazy here with the coronavirus pandemic
oh you and i would be having a blast together in this quarantine state
but it would also drive you crazy ;)
i sure miss you though
your sense of reason
your words of wisdom
just to hear your voice say "it's going to be ok, we are going to be ok - either way"
i will forever love you
and always miss you
with every breath i take
in every move i make
i know i have a lot of love left in me
and a lot of life yet to do
not sure how to get from here to there
or find out what it means
and how to do it
it's different without you
the regret over the last 5 years is almost more than i can bear at times
but God says He has forgiven me
i can only hope that somewhere down this road of life
i will find forgiveness for myself
and trust that you still love me
maybe i can yet make you proud of me
you often said that you would go crazy without me
that you couldn't handle life alone
you told me i was strong
honey, i hate to admit it
but you were wrong
i'm the one that lost it when you died
i'm the one who cries herself to sleep night after night, 5 years later
i work at moving forward
but 1 step on seems only to lead to 15 back
others are getting frustrated with me
sometimes i think the story of the old Indians going off alone is the best way after all
reading the Word
listening to the music
praying with all that is within me
what else am i supposed to do
rick, i sure do miss you
I wish you were here now.
I miss you - all the time. But today? I could really use some wisdom & counsel.
You were really good at listening, and letting me rant & rave until I had nothing left inside.
I've made so many mistakes these 4 years 8 months since you have been gone.
I am riddled with guilt & regret.
And I don't know how to put things right again.
There are things that I have done & said that a handful of others may know ... and some, only God & I know.
I don't want to talk about any of them. Some I am so ashamed of I don't know what to do, wouldn't know the first thing to say.
I feel strongly that I have disappointed you, let you down & there is NO way in Heaven or on earth that you would say, "You done good girl! I'm proud of you!"
But now what?
I can't un-do or un-say one thing.
I can't recall the time ... nor the money.
And here I am, 4 years 8 months later ...
Still at Joshua's.
Still dreading going to SS for a visit, much less a stay.
Still feeling much in the way no matter where I am, or who I am with.
I promised you that I would not grieve myself to an early grave.
And that I would love again ... allowing myself to be loved again.
You had no idea what you were asking.
And I was absolutely clueless about what I was promising you.
What am I supposed to do, Rick?
I can't just walk up to someone and say, "Hey - you want to be my friend & more? Love me and let me love you?"
I know God can do anything ...
But I am really questioning if God has given up on me.
As much as I have done wrong since the moment you died?
I have been angry with God - for allowing you to die.
I have questioned God - intensely - for allowing you to die, after all the rivers of tears I cried on your behalf - that you would be healed, that you would live with me for the rest of our days.
I don't know God anymore.
I don't know if He wants to know me now.
After everything these 4 years & 8 months ... how can I ask anything of God?
Especially for myself.
How much I miss you today.
Good morning, Rick.
I wonder if you know just how much I miss you. Always. But there are times I miss you more.
When I have a bad dream, like night before last. One of those recurring dreams - where no matter how many times I woke up and went back to sleep, the dream just continued. I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't change the ending. It haunted me all day yesterday, seemed to permeate every part of me. Oh what I would give to be held in your arms after a bad dream, have you once again wipe away my tears with your kisses. Feel the beat of your heart as you wrapped me in your love and care. Just to know that I was guarded and protected. Sigh.
When I can't sleep, like last night. Waking up every few minutes all night long. Back aching. Legs cramping. I remember how you used to rub my back, and massage my legs. Do you know how hard it is to not be touched now? I'm realizing more and more that touch deprivation is a real thing - - real, painful, heart breaking.
Christmas is only 16 days away. Lights are up - makes me remember when we would go out at night, get a cup of hot chocolate at McDonald's, the white hot chocolate, and drive around looking at Christmas lights ... just the 2 of us. How many hours and gallons of gas did we use when the kids were little - going Christmas light lookin'? But I think we used almost as many just for us. Music plays - reminding me of hearing your voice singing or humming the carols. The Christmas baking & cooking - how you would snitch and I would fuss ... how you would grab me from behind, wrap your arms around me and take a "bite" out of my neck. Sigh.
One would think that this 5th Christmas without you would be easier ... it's not. There is no numbness now. Just the pain of emptiness.
One would think that being here with family and friends would make things better ... it doesn't. They are all so busy with their own lives and plans. And you know me, I can't ask them to change just for me. Seeing the couples together, even our kids, makes me miss you even more ... how is that possible? To miss you MORE? Yet it is.
Oh Rick. I know that death is just a part of life. But the holidays are a stark and blasting reminder of just how sucky a part of life it all is. I miss you.
Yes, I am counting the days till Christmas. Maybe I can breathe a little afterwards.
I don't want to wish away my life ... but I do have a few thoughts running thru my heart wishing the holidays were over. Sigh.
If only there were some way for you to wrap your arms around me now. Hold me. Just for a little while.
That's what you always said, remember.
Today, September 5, 2019 - we would be celebrating our 39th Anniversary TOGETHER.
And we would be "39 & holding" from then on.
I miss you today.
More than these words could ever say.
I miss everything about you.
Everything about our life together.
I miss you.
It's been a while since I wrote anything here.
I talk to you every day, all day long in my heart.
Finding it hard to write the words though.
I miss you.
You always had my best interest in your heart.
You shielded me, protected me, and cared for me, on every level, in every way.
Sometimes I hope you can hear me, feel me, see me.
Other times? Not so sure.
I wonder if you would be proud of me.
I wonder so much these days.
4 years without you.
And tomorrow will be the 4th birthday I have endured since you went away.
It really bothers me that I am older now than you will ever be … seems that we were both cheated out of so much.
I wish I didn't have to do this alone anymore.
I love you.
Always and forever.
Ever since you died I have struggled with the thoughts and feelings that it should have been me.
That if you had lived instead of me you would have known what to do, where to go, and how to get thru this.
I have cried a river of tears.
I have stomped and stormed.
I have tried to just accept and go on.
Still lost and confused.
Still thinking that it would have been better for everyone had it been me who died instead of you.
Then came yesterday afternoon and a moment of clarity, a "light-bulb-moment" as you used to call it.
Had it been me who died, you would have been as empty and lost as I am today.
We were so much a part of each other.
I love you too much to even think any longer that it would have been better.
I love you honey.
And as hard as this is to deal with - I am glad that you don't have to know the pain and agony of the emptiness and loneliness.
I still don't know what to do, nor where to be.
I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
There is such a cavernous and aching emptiness inside of me.
But I am breathing ...
some days Just Breathing.
I am putting one foot in front of the other, taking one moment at a time.
I love you and I miss you.
After all these months - it is still so hard to believe I will never see you again.
That you will never hold me.
I will never smell you when you kiss my forehead.
This hurts like Hell.
I love you too much to wish it were you dealing with it.
You always said "wish in one hand - sh*t in the other" and see which one fills up the fastest.
So, I know you would not approve of this blog post. But these are my thoughts today.
I wish you had taken the chance when we first learned about the diabetes in 1995. That you had gotten angry enough to fight it. Not have the attitude of "no one is going to tell me what I can or cannot eat, what I will or won't do".
I wish I had been worth the fight.
I miss you.
I love you.
I wonder if you know how much I miss you today ... and allowing myself to miss ONE thing about you? I miss your wisdom and perspective.
Oh Rick. I am so confused and frustrated. You always said to "go where the peace is". And if there is no peace to go - then stay. What happens when there is no peace to go ... but there is no peace to stay? I wish that I could just disappear for a while - at least till some of the confusion and distress eases. If there was a safe refuge to go to - I would be there before night falls tonight.
I love our kids and grandkids. You knew how much then ... and I know how much now. They don't understand the grief and tears. They don't get the change in me. I hope they never do. Neither of them have the room (or life) for me. They have their lives - and they are doing good, honestly better than I really thought they would. They have the day to day stresses, but over all? They are doing good. You gave them a firm foundation to stand on, to build their lives on. You did good. They love you and they miss you. They grieve - but they are slowly moving forward in this life.
I don't really "fit" with either of their lives. They know that. I know that.
They love me. I have no doubt. They tell me that they want me happy - no matter where I am. What they don't understand? I don't even know what true happiness is anymore.
They both have told me that I am welcome in their homes - for as long as I want to be there. That they will "make a way", "make room". I appreciate that more than these words can say.
I don't really feel like a "third wheel" when I am there - but I certainly don't feel like I belong either. I don't know my place in their home - what to do, or what not to do. Seems like I create more stress than joy when I am there. Perhaps I do ... maybe I don't. I don't know anymore.
I don't mean to sound selfish - but, 19 months of sleeping in a recliner, or on a couch ... I am so grateful and thankful to have somewhere to rest, to lay my head - out of the weather, in safety. But, honey! I am aching for more - arms to hold me, a bed to lie down in. I know those nights are over now ... it's hard to accept. Leaves me more tired than I ever thought possible. The realizations and the struggle to accept. There is a weariness that I cannot explain in trying to figure all this out.
Thankfully, I was awarded the widow benefits. Which means I have a little money each month - I am not totally dependent on anyone. But it really is not enough to "live" on. I have priced apartments, and houses. I have even considered living in an RV again. I have looked into working - but a 55 year old woman is not in great demand. And considering I would need to make at least as much as the widow benefits - the opportunities are even fewer and farther between. Working will remove the widow benefits. Damned if I do - and damned if I don't. I wish a thousand times over again that you (we) had better prepared for this time. Sigh. But we didn't. And now ...
Staying with a friend - helping out as much as I can. But even here it feels like I am more of a burden than a joy. I feel in the way - even tho I try to make my "space", and me, as small as possible. I care perhaps too much. I worry that my leaving will create a hardship ... but then I worry that my staying will place a heavy burden that should not have to be borne.
Others make comments - because they don't understand. They aren't living this life. And even the ones who know grief, they don't understand every point of this for me. I am finding that words hurt more than I really care to admit. I keep saying that I do not care what anyone thinks or says - my heart screams loudly, "Yes, you do!"
I am not afraid to leave ... I just don't know where to go, or when to leave.
I am not afraid to be alone ... I just don't know where to be, or how to get there from here.
I am not even afraid to love again ... but I cannot make someone love me, cannot twist their arm to care for me.
And i am not afraid to disappear - in so many ways i feel like i already have. not enough to satisfy some. i just don't know how to make that happen either.
i keep looking for direction ... for a purpose in my being alive. why was it me that lived thru cancer? so many do not. why did i live, and you didn't?
i don't know if i can keep doing this ... i never thought i would get to the point of giving up.
Oh honey! Nothing is right.
i wish a thousand times over again that i could hear your voice, feel your arms, know your wisdom.
what should i do?
where should i be?
I hate this life. being a widow sucks.
how much i miss belonging.
day after tomorrow is Thanksgiving ... and i hate all of this!
i love you - always did ... always will.
i miss you, too.
I never thought I could be so weary ... but here i am - weary to the core.
I never thought I could be so lonely - but here i am - lonely doesn't begin to describe the emptiness within me and just how lost i feel.
I just honestly want to go home.
but there is no home.
home is NOT a house. home is NOT a place.
home is - -
- - knowing that you are loved
- - knowing that you are safe
- - knowing that someone has your back when the world is against you
- - knowing that you are not judged nor criticized
- - knowing that you are supported and encouraged
- - knowing that arms wait for you
- - knowing that a heart would hurt missing you if you weren't there
i just want to go home.
Oh Rick. I miss you.
even the bad days and times - i miss you.
i knew you loved me - even when we argued.
i knew you wanted me in your life - no matter what others thought or said.
i just knew where i stood with you.
i was yours.
i am me. mine.
i don't want to do this anymore.
i have tried.
oh how i have tried.
i don't want to anymore.
i want to go home.
and yet, here i sit.
tears rolling down my face.
knowing that there is no home.
knowing that arms do not wait for me.
knowing that no one stands at the ready when the world (or just one person) is set against me.
even you knew that i do not do well alone --
so i wonder why you had to leave?
it is so not fair.
oh honey! who will ever want me?
not just for what i can do?
not just for being a warm body in bed?
but for my heart? my hopes? my dreams?
for the ideas that abound within me?
for the drive and passion that i have?
you knew all my faults and flaws ...
you were well aware of my shortcomings.
yet, you loved me ... perhaps because you were stuck with me. you did promise to love me no matter what. *wink*
but, seriously, who in their right mind would want a 55 year old woman - me?
i don't need to remind you (or myself) of all the reasons why no one will want me.
if you didn't want me to be alone - you shouldn't have left.
i love you.
i miss you.
just a bad Saturday evening. with not much hope of a better night.
tomorrow is another day - i will try again.
No pretty or cute pictures today sweetheart. Just me - pouring my heart out in these words.
I wonder if you know just how much I love you, and miss you?
I don't think one is ever old enough to be alone like this ... nor is anyone ever married long enough to be without the other. Not when there was a love like ours.
I miss so much about you.
That twinkle in your eye.
The way you would pat me on the butt ... or "cop a feel".
I miss you opening your arms to me - hearing you say, "Awww, baby. It's going to be ok. We will make it thru all this."
I miss coffee with you - even tho you didn't really like it, you would drink that first cup with me every morning.
I miss a glass of tea in the evenings.
I miss fixing your meals, and waiting on you.
I miss when you would find me busy and you would fix me a glass of tea, bring it to me and take one drink before handing it to me.
Makes me smile now to remember.
Memories are sweet ... but they also hurt like hell. Because they aren't real anymore.
I don't mean to whine or complain - but this widow life sucks! Trying to be strong now for 17 months (come Friday). I'm tired, honey. I think about just giving up, giving in to the sorrow and the grief. I feel so weak at the thought of pressing forward and living this life without you.
You gave me strength and you offered me courage.
Our life wasn't perfect. We saw a lot of hard times, didn't we? The last few years being the hardest. But thru it all - we stayed together. We held onto one another. We fought life side by side.
In some ways - you won, and I lost. Living with that hurts.
I want to go home. Oh how I want to go home.
Home is not a house, or a place. Home is being loved, and held. Home is knowing that no matter what - someone has your back. Home is laughter, and disagreements. Home is reality. Oh! I want to go home.
When those thoughts come - on the heels of those thoughts, is the dark realization that there is no home.
I have no house or place to call "home". I have no one who waits for me, or misses me. I have no arms that are open to me. There is no one who truly has my back - even when I am wrong.
I don't even have a place to unpack my suitcase and hang my clothes up - do you know how tired I am of wearing wrinkled clothes? I told you several years ago that I was tired of that. The travels ... the truck driving ... the staying here and staying there. So tired of packing and unpacking. Even more so now. I want to hang my clothes up!
But more than hanging my clothes up - I want to be held. loved. cared for.
I miss you.
I wish I had had the presence of mind in those first few months to hang onto some of the things I miss most now - your coffee cup, your cereal bowl, your favorite glass, spoon and fork, our iron skillet that Momma bought us for a wedding present ... just "things" and "stuff" - but, they were ours! they were now mine. But when the house was taken, and my life was turned inside out - I didn't know what to do with it all. I couldn't think clearly. And now? all that I own will fit comfortably in the back seat of a small car.
Others talk to me about getting my own place ... I might ought to. But there is no excitement in that for me. I do not do alone very well. I have no desire for that. But I know that I cannot continue to be a burden to those around me.
I struggle daily to focus on the little things - those things that make me smile. Moments and memories.
I smile more, and laugh more often ... and I cry less. There are still tears - and on occasion, bitter tears.
Think I am getting stronger at carrying the grief ... but it will always remain. As I will be always in love with you.
I miss you.
September 5, 1980
The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!!