Rick,
I wish you were here now. I miss you - all the time. But today? I could really use some wisdom & counsel. You were really good at listening, and letting me rant & rave until I had nothing left inside. I've made so many mistakes these 4 years 8 months since you have been gone. I am riddled with guilt & regret. And I don't know how to put things right again. There are things that I have done & said that a handful of others may know ... and some, only God & I know. I don't want to talk about any of them. Some I am so ashamed of I don't know what to do, wouldn't know the first thing to say. I feel strongly that I have disappointed you, let you down & there is NO way in Heaven or on earth that you would say, "You done good girl! I'm proud of you!" But now what? I can't un-do or un-say one thing. I can't recall the time ... nor the money. And here I am, 4 years 8 months later ... Still at Joshua's. Still dreading going to SS for a visit, much less a stay. Still feeling much in the way no matter where I am, or who I am with. I promised you that I would not grieve myself to an early grave. And that I would love again ... allowing myself to be loved again. You had no idea what you were asking. And I was absolutely clueless about what I was promising you. What am I supposed to do, Rick? I can't just walk up to someone and say, "Hey - you want to be my friend & more? Love me and let me love you?" I know God can do anything ... But I am really questioning if God has given up on me. As much as I have done wrong since the moment you died? I have been angry with God - for allowing you to die. I have questioned God - intensely - for allowing you to die, after all the rivers of tears I cried on your behalf - that you would be healed, that you would live with me for the rest of our days. I don't know God anymore. I don't know if He wants to know me now. After everything these 4 years & 8 months ... how can I ask anything of God? Especially for myself. Oh Rick. How much I miss you today. :(
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September 5, 1980The day my life began as Mrs. Rick McCoy. No greater joy, no greater passion - Thank you Sweetheart for choosing me. I love you - always have and forever will!!!!! Categories
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