I have questioned if I did or said something wrong.
Or perhaps it was just life getting in the way of living and being friends.
I know that some have found a companion, which has been bittersweet for me. Sweetness in that I am overjoyed for my friends who have found love, a companion, even a 2nd chapter after loss. But also makes me heart weary of feeling so much like the "in-between" girl, only & always. Sigh. Out of respect for their new relationship I step away with dignity and grace. I would never interfere or in any way come between them, yet I do miss my friend.
I've cried a river of tears over a few that are no longer a "walk-with-me-thru-this-friend".
Some, have not been so hard to let them walk away.
I've prayed much, dug deep into my own heart.
Always over thinking things - such am I.
And then I see this meme on Facebook a few days ago.
Whoever said that Facebook has nothing good, or that God cannot use it - well, they didn't know what they were talking about!
"Don't worry about people God has removed from your life. He heard conversations you didn't. Saw things you couldn't. And made moves you wouldn't."
Has there ever been such a complete and overwhelming peace flood a soul as it did mine that morning?
I think not!
It's so much easier to just breathe and Trust in Jesus now.
ALL of me is all His.
Living and breathing deeply with a grateful thankful heart now.
Not sure yet. Lol - that's part of the excitement and anticipation.
But for the first time in a LONG time, a very long time, I actually feel alive.
Not just existing from day to night back to day again.
I will always love Rick and forever grieve for him, missing him like crazy.
Not a day without the highs and lows of grief and being a widow will I ever have, but that's ok now.
I also will have the struggles of being a PTSD Survivor. It's not just a one-time Survivor. It's a every day, every situation, Survivor!
But life goes on, it moves forward ... and so do I.
It's taken a lot of tears, much kicking and screaming, many words written & cursed & prayed, to get me to this point. But here I am. And I find that I am proud of ME. No, I'm not proud of every choice and decision I have made these last 5 years with my time, my money, or my life - but I am proud of ME now. Thankful that God in His Amazing Grace kept His hand of mercy covering me, protecting me, and drawing me back into His arms of love and comfort. He never once turned away from me, nor left me to be alone. But He did make sure I survived it all. And here I am now.
There are times that these memes can say it better than me:
Wondering what my life is supposed to be?
Wondering just where I am to call "home"?
Wondering if there is a 2nd chapter to my love story?
Wondering what I am supposed to do?
I don't think wondering is a bad thing.
I know for me it has already helped me figure out some of what I don't want to be or do, where I don't want to call "home", and if there is a 2nd chapter of love what I would really like for that to be like.
It's also helping me to figure out what I can live with, and what I don't want to live without.
I am rediscovering the joy of research, reading and writing, and finding ways to join the picture taking with it all.
I'm also savoring each moment more, deeper. Taking time to make time.
When insomnia comes against me now, I let it work FOR me not against me. It simply provides me with extra time to research and to write. That's not a bad thing! :)
I am treasuring each time with my kids and grandkids. Knowing that their lives are busy, yet they carve out some moments here and there just for Momma & Grannee. The hugs and forehead kisses are amazing & sweet. The conversations range from being light with laughter to soul-searching and serious.
Yesterday I was so ready for spring time, wanting to get out and about to take adventures and pictures, then to write about where I've been, what I've seen.
And today, because the forecast is for a winter weather storm with inches of snow? I am excited and can't hardly wait for the skies to turn blue and dark with the approaching storm. Hoping against all that I wake up in the wee hours of the morning to a white ground and snow falling.
I guess what is really happening is growth and healing are coming along side the grieving and hurting. And it is all working to make me stronger & better than I have ever been.
The bad moments of grief & anxiety will surely still come. Perhaps even a bad day, or nights that are horrible-rotten-just no good. But I no longer fear those times. Because they come ... and they go. They are not allowed to stay. Nor am I allowed to set up camp there. Life goes on ... and I go with it.
I love you, Rick. Always and forever. I hope you are proud of me now. I hope from this point on you always will be. I love you, and I miss you like crazy!