Catching up

Catch up morning! :)
*Work - working on the various points of inventory and end of year financials, getting it all ready to hand over to the CPA for 2017. While still doing each day. I love working here. My boss is awesome - a sweet Southern gentleman. It is refreshing to spend the days with someone that is so enjoyable to be around. The cars & trucks, the sights & smells that they offer. The people that come in to "just take a look around", wanting to remember the good ol' days. I miss it all when we are closed for the day. 
             - going into the office today. Watching the weather & the roads. Not a lot of snow, yet. Snow is in the forecast for later today. I love snow, and I love it more better (*wink*) when I am in the warm house, with a hot cup of coffee - looking out the window. Lol

*Me - sleeping deeper and better, for most nights. I did have a couple of these nights where the loneliness was so overwhelming I either couldn't go to sleep, or I couldn't stay asleep. What a hard lesson to learn - how lonely the silence can be. Yes, there are times when the silence of night is welcome, peaceful, and serene. Those are coming more often now. Thankfully. Heart & mind are weary of the other ones - where the silence literally screams and tortures.
       - I did get a good long walk in on Thursday. It was cool, but nice. Felt good to stretch my legs. I am anxious for spring so that I can walk more often. I am thinking about joining a gym. Not sure yet. If I had a vehicle? I would do it without question. I would love to have the access to a treadmill. One of these days ... 

*Writing - well ... obviously I haven't been doing a lot of that, considering that today is 4 days of catching up. Lol. However, not writing has not been due to depression or discouragement. This time? It has been because of being busy and involved in other things. :) Makes me smile. 

*Genealogy - oh what a great day yesterday was! It was cold, 0* when I got up, snow glistening in the morning sun, coffee hot in the cup ... and ancestry.com open on the computer! I hit a brick wall on one leg. I could not get past my 6th great-grandfather on the Price leg. With the wisdom and advice of a special friend, I was led thru that brick wall and on the other side? Found my 10th great-grandfather! Found some very interesting stories along the way, too! Yes! A great day! We were enjoying the ancestor hunt so much that it was hard to call it a day at 1 a.m. this morning :) ! 

*I need a vehicle. I do not have the money to just buy one, and I have not found anyone yet who is willing to let me pay one out. Sigh. So, I continue to look ... watch the classifieds ... and wait. My patience is being tried and tested. Sigh. Thinking that a SUV, or mini-van, would work the best for me. Better on fuel mileage than a truck. More storage capability - and without a place to call "home"? Well, I need some storage space that I can get into when I need something. Yet, it would sit up off the road more than a car. I look. 

*The wonderings of where should I be? I don't want to be a burden to family or friends. I try to stay out of the way, to not interfere with their lives. I know that no matter how hard I try, I am. :( So, in this too - it never leaves my mind and thoughts. I am always on the "hunt", searching, calling, texting, emailing - be it a room, an RV, a caregiver position that is live-in ... always looking. 

*Grief monster - has been lying low for the most part lately. Except for yesterday morning. I fixed breakfast - bacon, scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy. It was fun to cook, and tasted good. I had been hungry for biscuits and gravy without realizing it. Oh so good! I turned from the living room to walk back into the kitchen. Looked up - saw the leftovers sitting on the stove, the smells of just cooked food, dirty dishes waiting to be washed, and the memories of "when". Blindsided gut punch. For a moment I was back ... cooking for Rick & the kids ... back when life was "perfect" and I didn't realize all the changes that were coming. Wow. My heart crumbled. I stood strong and did not crumple to the floor like I wanted to do. I held firm against the tears, even tho my mind was roaring with the memories, and my heart was shattered all over again. I breathed. Just breathed. It took a little bit to quit shaking, and even now as I write about it, I am shaking. Damn grief monster. 

*I am weary. These moments of wanting someone to swoop in and rescue me - at least for a little while. I press on ... knowing that if there is a hero for me, it is me. :(