Coffee Love
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me

19 days and counting ...

5/12/2015

0 Comments

 
I was a wife for 35 years ... and I have been a widow for 19 days.
I feel lost, alone, scared. I've never been here before. 
I am not the only one grieving in this. And I am not the only grieving widow in the world today.
But I am "me" ... without Rick. And I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to be "me" without him.
I am learning ... although it is a lesson that I never wanted to learn.
Never do I want to dishonor God - not even in the midst of the grief, not on the worst days. God is my Anchor, my Strength, and my Hope.
Faith does not make this easy ... but it makes it possible.
I pray a lot ... I read my Bible. I am working my way thru a devotional journal, "Jesus Calling". I started the devotional journal on May 8, 2015 - changing the dates. The first verse in the book is Jeremiah 29:11 -- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Now, for me - that is a direct Word from my Heavenly Father. That as hard as this may be - He still has "got" me. He's in control of this journey. Not the grief, not anyone else, not all the darkness that surrounds me. HE is in control. And I am learning to trust Him. Major word there - learnING.
I miss Rick every moment of every day. I think about him constantly. In my mind and in my heart, I can see him laying in the bed asleep, or pretending to be asleep at times - sometimes waiting for me to walk close enough to check on him, and he would grab at me ... always making me scream! LOL. I can see him sitting in the recliner that I now call "bed". I sleep there thinking about being held by him, smelling his presence. I listen for his ringer on my phone ... wanting so badly to hear his voice just one more time. I long to fix him something to eat, to sit down and watch a western movie with him. I ache to hear his laughter, his teasing me - "Lucy, Lucy, Lucy".
He was not perfect. But he was mine ... and I was his! I was his beloved, and he was mine! 
 
Picture
My sweet daughter took me out to see Joshua for Mother's Day weekend. I am so thankful that we did that. We all needed the time together. It was my first Mother's Day without my Sweetheart, the one who made me a Momma. So the day was sad, but sweet.
On Saturday we went into the RV. That was hard. Lots of tears. The hole in our hearts was ripped even wider. Looking at Rick's things. Smelling his pillows. Smelling the last clothes he wore there. Seeing his chair, his stuff. He loved living in an RV. We only had a little less than a year in that one, but still ... it is him. We took a few things out. We are going back after school is out, and we will all work together to pack the things and move me out of it. I will be selling the RV. Please pray that I will find favor in the market and it will sell quickly and for a good and fair price.
Mandy and Joshua took a drive alone over to PK lake - a much needed brother and sister time.
Then, on Sunday, Mandy and Dessie took the grandkids for a long walk, and gave Joshua and I a couple of hours alone. A much needed momma and son time.
We all laughed ... and we cried. We missed honey, daddy, and p-paw. We talked about our memories. We wondered about some of the things he said and he did. 
It was a good weekend.
 
Picture
This week begins the 3rd week without Rick.
And it is a time to take care of more business details. Faxing the death certificate to the finance company for the Honda. Waiting on them to tell me what they will or won't do.
Picking up the title to the Dodge pickup. Transferring titles of the pickups to the kids for the grandsons.
Going thru stuff here at the old house ... so much stuff! God love my husband - he didn't throw anything away! "Might need that one of these days!!!" O Lord, help me! LOL
Revival going on at New Beginnings thru Wednesday, with Malcolm Ellis preaching and the Atens leading the praise and worship time.
Elijah has a sport's banquet this evening. We are going to rejoice in his accomplishments this year - as well as to give him a hard time! LOL
Friday night is the Recovery Group at New Beginnings. Rick and I went years ago - and now I go. Thank God I am Free - Free in Christ. Free INDEED!!!!! Thank God that Rick is free from his pain and suffering and misery. As much as I miss him, as much as I long for just one more day ... I love him too much to ask for him to come back to me if he had to be in the same pain and misery that he had been in, especially the last 3 years.
I love you Rick. I miss you more than these tears. I miss you more than these words can say. I love you honey. Oh for one more touch, one more kiss. My hope is not that you will come back to me ... but my Hope is that one day I will meet you there! I love you Sweetheart! You are now "waiting on a woman" ... and I love you all the more for waiting!
Picture
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ? 

    You can read it here

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Past Posts

    January 2023
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    June 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    October 2010

    RSS Feed

    Picture
Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy

​
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His.
Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me.

​
Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God

Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to.

Great grief is indicative of a great Love.

Rick, my Sweetheart.
Margaret, his Beloved.
Always & Forever.
​
Picture
©Margaret McCoy, the Queen of Kamelot Coffee 
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me