2 weeks ago today -
Early in the morning I sat at Al & Christine's table with pen and paper, not knowing how the surgery would go, not even for sure that I would survive - and I wrote letters to each of my children, to Al & Christine, and to my husband. (I had already written letters to each of the grandkids.) As I sat there, I thought about how much I love each one, and how much I wanted to LIVE and not die. I wrote each word with tears running down my face. Loving each one. Praying for each one. Not so much a "good-bye" letter, just a letter of love and prayer. I hold these letters close to my heart this morning. And I think about that morning.
God blessed the hands of my oncologist, and He granted my request to LIVE and not die. :-) Thank you God!!! Blessed be your Name - forever and always!!! Even if the healing doesn't come (Kutless) ...
Cancer may be out of my body - but cancer will never be out of my life! I will never again be so afraid of that word!!! God is greater! God is bigger! Even if the healing doesn't come - God is still God! And God is still good!!!
But I will never forget hearing those words with my name ... seeing my name on the bracelet at MD Anderson Cancer Clinic. I will never forget the tears I have cried, the prayers I have prayed.
I will forever be grateful for all the prayers that have been cried and prayed for me in this.
And I will always remember that moment when God gave me peace ... just a knowing that no matter what - "Even if ..."
Relay for Life in SS is May 13, 2013 - I am looking forward to it! I have never been able to walk those laps for one reason or another - but I have already given notice for this year coming ... I'm GONNA walk! For my momma, for my brother, for best friends, for families, for all those affected by cancer - and for ME, too!
Relay for Life in Graham is June 14, 2013 - I told Rick that I want to walk in both! I have kids and friends in both areas - and they can either walk with me, or sponsor me :-)! LOL
Cancer SUCKS! And we fight! We press on!
These two weeks have been "interesting" to say the least! LOL
*I have had the worst heat flashes and night sweats of my life so far! Power surges? Explosions more like it!
*My emotions have ranged from crying my eyes out to a Madea type attitude ... and sometimes in the time of about 2 heartbeats! God love my husband!
*Trying not to take too many pain pills - just enough to keep the worst of the pain held off. Not so much that I am knocked out - I don't like that. Honestly tho, the pain hasn't been horrible - as long as I sit and rest more than I do anything else. The worst of the pain was on Monday when we had to go the doctors. Getting down the back steps here at the house, and then in and out of the car. OMW!!!
*Insomnia - tired and sleepy, but unable to either go to sleep or stay asleep. Not taking anything for it yet tho ... just trying to wait it all out. Using the time I am awake to pray, to read, to work on the website and blogs. Sleep comes - just not always when I want it to. LOL
*I think the worst so far has been feeling lonely. Missing the human connection ... sigh. Everyone is busy and no one has the time or inclination to "babysit" an old woman just out of surgery. I really do understand, I just have really been lonesome lately. sigh.
*Rick has been awesome! He has cooked and cleaned - even tho it hurts him to the point of exhaustion, he has braved up and done what he can ... honestly more than he should be doing. But at this point, I am not allowed to do anything more than walk a little at a time. I have rinsed a few dishes for him - he hurts, I hurt.
*Rick has been really good about helping me - giving me the belly shots, dressing me (kinda hard to ask him to help me put on panties - good grief! I am 51 years old! But, I can't bend over. So ... sigh), brushing my hair, bathing the places I cannot reach (can't get into the tub yet - we have a high claw foot old style bath tub) - and doing it all in a way that allows me to keep my dignity.
*It's hard for me not to cook and clean - that's part of who I am, what I do. Always have. And I LOVE doing it! LOL Yes, I am weird that way. But, everyone who knows me - knows that anyway! LOL
I told Rick yesterday that I just breathe in and breathe out - reminding myself that this is not for all time, just for this time. Sigh.
*Rick and I have had some good conversations. And enjoyed just being together without talking, too.
*We have watched movies and movies and movies. Some good, some -- well??? Getting tired of movies, wishing we had TV service. We both enjoy NCIS, Law & Order, CSI, the older comedies, the older series.
*Our daughter has come and checked on me every morning and a lot of the evenings as well. She has kept my hair brushed, washed it, helped me with dressing. She too has done this with a sweet spirit, lots of laughter, and helping me to keep my dignity and pride.
*Our son and daughter in love have not been able to be here, but they sure have used that telephone! LOL Calling to check on me, on us. Giving us much love and laughter. I would love to see them, to have them here - but I know how life and work and school schedules are. I understand - but am oofie, too.
*Rick took his wife for a walk yesterday. Chris says that in the hospital a snail could have raced me, and now I have advanced to a turtle race. LOL ... But it was good to get outside for a few minutes yesterday. Even if my husband did say he was already tired of walking slow! LOL
Yep - interesting is a word for these 2 weeks! LOL
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here