2018

2018. A continuation of life. 

Today is the last "good" memory I have of Rick. 3 years ago tomorrow the final downward spiral began. 
So there are memories flooding my heart and mind, sharp & clear memories - as tho that "today" is happening now, without a thought that tomorrow our Hell begins. Sigh. 

As I sat waiting on the New Year to make its appearance last night, I thought about all those nights with Rick & our kids. Very few were spent just "us". Our place was the gathering place for young & old. Finger foods & a game of Uno. Laughter. Music. Teasing. Just good times. Good times. 

I sit here at the computer this morning, cold. It is 10* here in Central Kentucky, with a thin coating of snow on the ground. No wind blowing, almost an eerie silence in this early moment of 2018. 
My thoughts turn to "resolutions", you know those famous words of January 1 that are mostly broken and forgotten by January 15? 
I don't think I will make any. 

However, I am making some goals. 

Since it is 112 more "wake-ups" before beginning my 4th year as a widow, I am going to take these 112 days and focus on "ME". 
This is completely & absolutely out of my comfort zone.
I find joy in serving others. 
There is a completeness of my life when I put others first.
...a car will only go so far on a tank of gas, there has to be a time to stop for a fill up. 

These 112 days are going to be my "stop, for a fill up". 

I realized something these last few days. In all those years with Rick, he filled me up. 
He would get his parents to take the kids for a few days ...
Take off work for a couple of days so that we could just get away, with no destination in mind ...
The "just because" flowers, usually a flower he would stop his day to pick and protect until he got home ...
The hundreds of little notes left thru the house over the years ...
Cooking with me so I was not alone in the kitchen ... 
A million conversations - listening, letting me talk out my frustrations & worries. 

Now? There is no one to fill me up. 
It is up to me to stop, take stock of the "fuel tank" & either continue on the journey, or pull over and fill up. 

So, what are my goals these 112 days? 
How do I want to end this 3rd year of being a widow? 
How do I want to begin my 4th year? 

1. New eye glasses. I have had these since a month or so after Rick died. It was such a traumatic moment, going to the eye doctor alone, picking out my frames alone. I have put it off for one reason or another. My appointment is at 2 p.m. tomorrow! Eye exam & new glasses. 
2. New haircut. My hair has been in the same basic style for years. The one I have chosen may be a mistake - but Rick always said that one good thing about a bad haircut? It would grow out. Lol. 
3. Balance my checkbook. I know that should be a "given", and it used to be. I was the one who kept our books, and when that statement came in each month it did not matter how long it took me, the checkbook was balanced within 2 cents of what the bank said. I may never get that close again, but having a bucket of receipts in my purse, and not knowing how close the bank and I are? No more. 
4. I have lost about 150 pounds since Rick died. I still would like to lose a bit more. Beginning today I will be more careful with what I eat and drink, all things in moderation. No strict dieting for me. Diets are meant to fail - at least in my experience. A lifestyle change. Something I can live the rest of my life doing. 
5. I have some areas of my body that I want to tone & firm up. Again, not going to get radical about this, because I don't want to fail. I want this to be a lifestyle, beginning today.
6. Dental work. I hate having dental work done. I know, who doesn't, right? For me, I can handle going to the dentist, having the work done, even spending the money for it all. What is the hardest for me is afterwards. Every part of my body heals quickly and very well. Except my mouth. Not just hours later am I hurting, but days & even weeks later. But it is time. For me. Alone. Before. During. And yes, after. 
7. A vehicle. One that I can have a measure of trust in. I know that any vehicle can break down, leave you stranded, cost money to fix. Rick bought me a Honda Element in 2014. He was assured that he had credit life on it. We were never told that the underwriter's group rejected credit life because he was on dialysis. So, when he died, I lost the car. I tried to keep it, even contacted 2 lawyers. My name was nowhere on the paperwork, only Rick's. Again, he thought that was what needed to be done in order to protect me and ensure that I would have the car if he died. Because my name was not on the paperwork, they would have to speak with him for authorization for me to even make a payment. The day they picked up the car was the 2nd worst day of this nightmare. I have had 2 vehicles since, neither one dependable - or lasting. I have now been without a vehicle for about a year. Depending on friends to either take me everywhere, or allow me to use their vehicle. Enough is enough. I need a vehicle!

There will be more goals as I go along these 112 days. I have some goals for the year, or years, to come. For now though? I am going to focus on these 112 days. Closing out this 3rd year, and beginning the 4th year, the best ME I can be.