Not sleeping the best lately. Too many thoughts and emotions to stave off to get much rest, even when sleep does overtake me.
This is Valentine's week.
My third one since Rick died.
The first year I was numb and still in shock. I barely felt the loss of such a day. We had been struggling for several years and had not "celebrated" much of anything. So this first Valentine's Day came and it went. Unnoticed. Un-cared about.
The second year I was new to Kentucky, helping in a new business venture. Immersed day and night in the new business, trying to get it up and going, doing all I could to help friends.
This. 3rd Valentine's Day without my Sweetheart.
I am feeling every thought, every emotion, every loss.
Remembering days gone by ... cards shared ... notes written ... phone calls made.
Tasting the dinners we shared.
Smelling him as he hugged me and kissed my forehead.
Seeing our bed ... knowing his touches.
Forcing myself to remember without tears. (Which just for the record only works fair during the day when others are around ... when bedtime comes, the house is quiet, and being alone surrounds me? I don't even try to fight the tears. Oh, and in the shower - had a meltdown this morning as a matter of fact.)
Making the breaths come normally, not raggedly. Just Breathe has been my mantra since he died, and the longer I live this journey, the stronger those words become. Just Breathe. These will be my first tattoo - Just Breathe.
I wrote on my Facebook yesterday - "Motions. Not Emotions." That is so hard for me to live. I am an emotional being. I love. I laugh. I cry. I feel - damn I feel. So to turn the Emotions into just Motions? It is harder than I ever imagined it would be. Sadly, it is easier than trying to explain.
I have seriously considered renting a motel room for the week. Simply hibernate away from everything and everyone. Thinking it might be better for everyone else. Still haven't firmly decided yet. :( I miss loving someone ... yes, I miss being loved. But damn! I miss loving someone - and having that love accepted, even if not returned. Sigh.
Life goes on.
Even when I wish it didn't.
I am struggling to focus on the many different aspects of Love.
I love my kids and grandkids.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
I love coffee ...
... pie - oh my! I love pie!
... sunrises & sunsets
... rainy days & clouds
... sweet tea
... Dr Pepper
... and the list goes on -
Yes, Love is a multi-faceted emotion.
We should not miss one opportunity to enjoy what we love ... nor to express an "I love you" to someone.
Life is too short.
I love you Rick. I miss you like crazy.
I love you my children - Mandy & Leo, Joshua & Dessie
I love you my grandchildren - Elijah, Brooklyn, Shell, & Kyla
I love you my family ... and my friends.
I love you my best friend.
This week shall pass ... I shall survive.
So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?
You can read it here