40 days ...

40 days as Rick's widow.
I thank God for the 35 years we had together as husband and wife. I have loved him since I was about 12 years old. We went to the same schools, the same church. Course he was a typical boy - not so into girls. And I was starry-eyed, crush crazy! LOL
I still love him. He is still so fine to me!

These 40 days have been times of laughter, and of tears. I love Rick so much! And I miss him as much as I love him!
I have started the journey of going thru stuff ... trying to figure out what to do with it all. And trying to figure out what was he thinking in keeping some of this stuff! LOL

I know that Rick is in a better place - no more pain, no more suffering. I really am not angry - not with God, nor with Rick. I think sometimes it's not really fair! I don't like this widowhood - I don't want to be his widow any more, I want to be his WIFE! I don't like making all these decisions, going thru all this stuff, not being with him. He gets to be in a glorious place with no pain, no suffering, no more burdens or cares. But I am over-loaded with it all! So, no it's not fair. But then, I think of the 35 wonderful years we had together - and I didn't earn those years. Those years were a precious gift to me.
My one desire in these 40 days has been that I honor the memory and the legacy of my husband, and that I please the Lord my God with my life. Even in the grief, even in the pain.

I go to church - to worship the Lord our God. I go to church - because Rick loved church so much. He felt so close to God there. Never have I felt as close to God as I did this past Sunday - at church. God opened my eyes - to the loneliness that Jesus felt here on this earth, to the sadness He endured, to the pain and the suffering of not only His body but of His mind and His emotions. Jesus was never a widow - but He understands my loneliness, He knows my pain and sadness. And He loves me -- He holds me, hidden in His arms.

I am finding that family and friends aren't the same without Rick. Not sure if that is because he was the glue that bonded us all together, or if they just don't know what to say to me anymore. Sometimes, it feels like they are almost scared of me - like if they get too close, then they might feel some of the loneliness, pain, and sorrow. I don't know. I can't be angry with them ... I don't blame them. But I also don't really understand - and yet I do. I was a wife before being a widow. I never knew how much changed when a wife became a widow.

When Rick died, he left a hole in everyone's heart and life. Everyone who knew him loved him. He was very well loved, respected, and honored. So, yes, he leaves a hole, an emptiness inside of everyone. But what few understand or know - he took my life, he took my heart. There is not ONE thing about my life that did not change when he died. For 35 years he was the center of my world. We lived where HIS job was. We watched HIS choice of movies and TV shows. We ate what HE was hungry for. Not because he demanded that - but because I gave that to him. He gave me so much FAITH, PASSION, & LOVE - that it was easy to let him be the center of my world. And now? Who am I? What do I like to watch? To eat? To do? Where do I want to go? What do I want to be with the rest of my life? Who am I???

So, I pray A LOT! About a week after he died, I went to the Christian bookstore and bought me a new devotional - "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. I bought a hardback copy,  and had "Meg" (Rick's name for me) put on the outside of it. I have been crossing out the dates and putting these 40 days dates instead. Reading one per day. Writing out my thoughts, my prayers. That has truly been a breath of Life to me. I also bought me a new Bible. Bright pink leather-like cover :) ... and had "kamelotrose" inscribed on the corner. I have been reading one Psalm a day - usually out loud. Not studying, just reading. Letting God's Word refresh me.
I know that God carries me. But I also know that I must go thru this time of grief.

I have been staying with Mandy, here at the old house, these 40 days. I am now preparing to go out to Joshua's for about the same time. We are leaving here on Friday - Mandy and the kids are going for about a week - 10 days. We need to go thru the RV, and the storage building out there.
Still have much to go thru here, too. It's not easy to go thru all this stuff ... I keep thinking that Rick will be angry - because he will want this stuff when he gets back. Then, my heart and my mind tell me that he's not coming back - and the tears begin to flow all over again.

But God is good - all the time ... and all the time, God is good.
I love you Rick - with all my heart, with all of me - I love you. I miss you like crazy!!! I watch I Love Lucy - at least one episode per day (usually) - and I laugh, I cry, I think of you ... and all the times that we watched it together. Oh how I love you!!! Oh how I miss you!!!