86 days now ...

I have been out at Joshua's for the last 6 weeks. And I have little to no cell phone service, and only spotty at best Internet service. So, yes, I am behind ...

I did write some blog posts while I was out there, and I will be posting them here now -
Thank you all for reading these words, for your thoughts and your prayers. I could not have made it these 86 days without God and YOU. Thank you.

There are times that it is hard to breathe - the grief is so heavy and so very hard. God keeps saying that He, the God of angel armies, is always by my side. I have to hold onto that promise. I breathe in and I breathe out. One moment at a time.

I am learning that grief is not something that you get over. Grief is a product of love. The greater you love someone, the greater the grief. But Rick -- you were worth every moment of life we shared together ... and you are even worth these tears and broken heart. I love you Rick. I miss you so much!!!
I have loved Rick always ... and I will love him forever. Therefore, I will not "get over" him. EVER.
But grief is not a place to stop and stay in the sorrow either. It is a journey. A journey of tears. A journey of memories. A journey of laughter. A journey of LIFE.
So, I move on - forward. But not without Rick. For Rick will always and forever be in my memories, and in my heart. To me - he is just away, waiting on a woman. And I have full assurance that I will be going to him one day. Trusting in Jesus.
And as I move on - forward - I will cry ... buckets of tears. I will laugh - until I cannot breathe. I will love my children and my grandchildren - with a passion. I will breathe in and breathe out. One moment at a time.

Today, I am working on this website and these blogs. I will also be going thru some notes and cards from Rick to me, and from me to him. I have letters from friends and family. Just going thru some memory box stuff.
Mandy and Brooklyn helped me go thru a bunch last night - and we laughed, we cried, we remembered. And we moved thru it all - feeling Rick's smile on us.

I also have an appointment at 3:20 p.m. today in Greenville, with a Social Security doctor. This is supposed to be a determination for widow benefits. I am praying for God's favor in all of this.
I don't know what I am going to do ... or where I am going to be. People want to know - "what now?" ... well, I would like to know - "what now?" Sigh. But until I find out what Social Security is going to do - SSI and/or widow benefits - I am waiting and wondering. Trusting in God.