A Beginning, without my Foundation

As I begin this chapter of my journey, I am both excited and filled with trepidation. 
For almost all of my adult life I have had the absolute support of my husband. He was my listening ear, my sound & wise counsel, my rudder on the waters. 
And now? Since life has chosen for me to be a widow ... I find it difficult to find the peace that he always said to "go in". 
​I have made the decision to do this, and do this I will. Where will it lead me? Heaven only knows. ​

There was a moment this past week that was a gut punch of reality. 
A stark reminder of all that I had ... all that I have lost ... and just how little hope I have of having it again.

Walking into a house that is under going some remodeling & restoration work. Being asked for my opinion on paint colors & such. 
It was literally all I could do to maintain composure. 
My breath felt like it was being sucked out of me by a living, breathing, HOME. 
My heart broke into a million gajillion pieces all over again. 

Damn. 
I miss having a home.
I miss the planning and placing of rooms and stuff. 
I miss the laughter.
I miss the love shared.
I miss the meals cooked and savored.
I miss the movies watched. 
I miss the messes to clean up. 
I miss having a home. 

Since Rick died and I have been staying with family & friends, they have a HOME.
I am a guest in those homes.
Doing what I can to help with the cooking and cleaning.
Doing what I can to be a blessing, not a burden. 
Breathing in and breathing out with every meal prepared, with every dish washed, with every TV show watched. 
Being reminded a thousand times a day that this is NOT my home ... it is theirs. 

In those early morning hours of 3 a.m. - 5 a.m. when sleep eludes me so often (almost every morning), I sit in the darkness and I wonder. 
Will I ever again know a HOME? 
Will I have the freedom to plan and to place items? 
Will I have the blessing of cleaning "me things"? 
The thoughts haunt me as I go about the days, whether in their homes, or out and about, or even at the office. 

Damn. 
I miss having a home. 
In so many ways, I miss having a HOME now more than I miss having someone to love me. 
Sigh. 

Since I do not have what is commonly called a "stick home", I have decided to use my computer for a "virtual home". Using this website, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, even Facebook, and anything else I can find and figure out. Settling my heart, mind & spirit here. 
If life allows a real home for me at some point, then perhaps I can use some of the ideas gleaned, saved and shared there, too.

I have been giving much thought to a "stick home" lately. 
Wondering what would be the proper fit for me. Alone.
(Now, if life allows for a 2nd chapter in my life to love, then it would no longer be just my choice ...
but at this time I do not see that.)
I am leaning more towards an RV. 
I love the smaller spaces anyway - the coziness of them, the easy clean & upkeep to them. 
Rick called our RV's "Margaret's Real-Life Shoeboxes".
​He understood me - my heart & mind - more than anyone else ever has ... more than anyone since him has even tried to do.
RV living is a wonderful experience ... a treasured life. 
Enjoying the little things comes quicker, easier, simpler. 
Meeting new people, forming lasting bonds that are for always.
It's not easy. 
Certainly not for everyone. 
​But I love it! 

I sit here this Memorial Day, as I reflect and remember all those who have given all that I may have the freedom to sit here and write these words. 
I am eternally grateful to the soldiers who have served and sacrificed for our country, for our families, for me.
I honor the families and friends of those who gave everything, for all that they have lost, for all that they have endured. 
I am glad to be living in America. Even with all the issues and conflicts that we have within our borders, it is still the greatest country on earth! 
​God Bless America! Always & Forever!