As I begin this chapter of my journey, I am both excited and filled with trepidation. For almost all of my adult life I have had the absolute support of my husband. He was my listening ear, my sound & wise counsel, my rudder on the waters. And now? Since life has chosen for me to be a widow ... I find it difficult to find the peace that he always said to "go in". I have made the decision to do this, and do this I will. Where will it lead me? Heaven only knows. There was a moment this past week that was a gut punch of reality. A stark reminder of all that I had ... all that I have lost ... and just how little hope I have of having it again. Walking into a house that is under going some remodeling & restoration work. Being asked for my opinion on paint colors & such. It was literally all I could do to maintain composure. My breath felt like it was being sucked out of me by a living, breathing, HOME. My heart broke into a million gajillion pieces all over again. Damn. I miss having a home. I miss the planning and placing of rooms and stuff. I miss the laughter. I miss the love shared. I miss the meals cooked and savored. I miss the movies watched. I miss the messes to clean up. I miss having a home. Since Rick died and I have been staying with family & friends, they have a HOME. I am a guest in those homes. Doing what I can to help with the cooking and cleaning. Doing what I can to be a blessing, not a burden. Breathing in and breathing out with every meal prepared, with every dish washed, with every TV show watched. Being reminded a thousand times a day that this is NOT my home ... it is theirs. In those early morning hours of 3 a.m. - 5 a.m. when sleep eludes me so often (almost every morning), I sit in the darkness and I wonder. Will I ever again know a HOME? Will I have the freedom to plan and to place items? Will I have the blessing of cleaning "me things"? The thoughts haunt me as I go about the days, whether in their homes, or out and about, or even at the office. Damn. I miss having a home. In so many ways, I miss having a HOME now more than I miss having someone to love me. Sigh. Since I do not have what is commonly called a "stick home", I have decided to use my computer for a "virtual home". Using this website, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, even Facebook, and anything else I can find and figure out. Settling my heart, mind & spirit here. If life allows a real home for me at some point, then perhaps I can use some of the ideas gleaned, saved and shared there, too. I have been giving much thought to a "stick home" lately. Wondering what would be the proper fit for me. Alone. (Now, if life allows for a 2nd chapter in my life to love, then it would no longer be just my choice ... but at this time I do not see that.) I am leaning more towards an RV. I love the smaller spaces anyway - the coziness of them, the easy clean & upkeep to them. Rick called our RV's "Margaret's Real-Life Shoeboxes". He understood me - my heart & mind - more than anyone else ever has ... more than anyone since him has even tried to do. RV living is a wonderful experience ... a treasured life. Enjoying the little things comes quicker, easier, simpler. Meeting new people, forming lasting bonds that are for always. It's not easy. Certainly not for everyone. But I love it! I sit here this Memorial Day, as I reflect and remember all those who have given all that I may have the freedom to sit here and write these words.
I am eternally grateful to the soldiers who have served and sacrificed for our country, for our families, for me. I honor the families and friends of those who gave everything, for all that they have lost, for all that they have endured. I am glad to be living in America. Even with all the issues and conflicts that we have within our borders, it is still the greatest country on earth! God Bless America! Always & Forever!
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So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?You can read it here Past Posts
January 2023
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