Coffee Love
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me

A Buffet of Thoughts for Monday

9/24/2018

0 Comments

 
​Tough love. 
I believe it to be the hardest thing a parent / grandparent, a husband / wife, a friend, a family member, ever has to do. Tough Love. 
When someone becomes so stubborn and intent on having their own way, and literally every thing you say or do is wrong on some level, when the one will not listen to reason or explanation ... Tough Love. 
I have had to implement this on several occasions thru the years. 
Always breaks my heart and takes me to my knees. 
I can do it. I can appear to be cold hearted and uncaring. Guess I am really good at it, too. Been told many times just how "rude", "hateful", "bitter", "cold", "uncaring", "unloving", etc ... that I am. 
I smile. I walk away. I find an alone spot (usually the bathroom), and I cry until I lose my breath, until the tears just won't run down the cheeks any more. Wash my face. Take a deep breath and face life yet again. 
Waiting. Tough Love. 
Every time I tell myself that this is not about "me", this is not about this moment in time. This is about life lessons that need to be learned, even in the most difficult of ways. Life lessons that will serve a person well later in life, even tho they hurt like hell while getting them. 
More times than not, I have been told (long after the lesson) - "Thank you. For standing firm. For being strong. For forcing me to face this. You helped me to become the man (woman) that I am today. Thank you. I know now what it cost you to make that decision to practice Tough Love with me." 
There is a risk always when exercising Tough Love. The risk of losing that person from my life is what causes me to suffer more than I should ... causes me to lose hours upon hours of sleep wrestling with the should I do Tough Love, or should I simply continue the way we are? Sigh. 
​I wonder sometimes if you truly can care too much? Can you care too deeply? 

Picture
Life is tough.
Every day seems to bring new challenges. 
Even a strong woman gets tired & heart weary. 
I am. 
It's hard not to wonder what I have done so wrong that it makes me deserve this punishment that life has become.
More of the days that feel like 1 step forward & 3 back.
Nights that are increasingly difficult.
Loneliness that is almost too much to bear.
Questions without answers, questions upon questions.
Tears of frustration that want to fall, yet are misunderstood when they do - so, holding them in to the point of physical pain. 
It's human nature to wonder "why me", we all fall to it.
Many years ago, Rick and I were talking about this, and he stopped suddenly and said, "Why not me? Why not us?"
I just looked at him and waited, knowing he was thinking out loud.
He continued, "Who do I think I am, or who do we think we are, that we would go thru life escaping the pain, troubles & grief, that others have to endure? So, why not me? Why not us? If we weren't strong enough for the battle, we wouldn't be sent in."
We didn't always live those words out loud, but we tried.
He died trying.
I am living still trying.
​That's about all I can say right now ... I'm trying.

Picture
The losses of life are overwhelming. 
I breathe. I do my best to move forward in this "new" life I have been given. 
I know that more changes are coming. I can feel those winds of change beginning to blow. Wondering if they will blow up a storm in the process. Sigh. Change doesn't come easy to me. Never has. I seem to get caught up in the vortex of it all, and it takes a while to stop the spinning out of control. 
There are so many things I miss. I know everyone is tired of hearing me talk about them, or write about them. But that is part of this life now - missing what was, missing what I had. Realizing the emptiness of it all today. 
Rick was my anchor in the storms. I miss the stability he gave. Of loving me. Of always accepting me, no matter what. 
I also miss having a vehicle. That is really beginning to irritate me, annoy me, keep me awake at night. I miss the freedom and independence it brings. I miss knowing that if I want to go somewhere, or if I need to go, that I have a way - without having to wait on someone, without having to borrow a vehicle, without even having to rent one. What so many take for granted ... and many even complain about. Having a vehicle. I miss that - intensely. Working on changing it. Having a most difficult time finding anyone that will offer a hand up. Not asking, nor expecting, a hand out. Big difference. Did you know that in order to get a vehicle financed you have to have a "permanent residence"? That makes sense, right? Until you find out what having a "permanent residence" means. It means having at least one major utility bill in your name. That's it. It would not matter if I owned a large mansion, or a small cabin in the woods. Would not make a difference if I was renting a 2-bit apartment, or a swanky place on 5th Avenue. If there is not ONE utility bill in my name? NO LOAN. Sigh. I haven't had a utility bill in my name, in let's see ... EVER! All the bills were in Rick's name. And now? Since I have been staying with my kids and friends? Yeah ... not happening now either. Sigh. 
Being a widow sucks in more ways than one. Sigh.
I think what I miss the most is being a part of something that is greater than just me. A home. A family. Thoughts and plans for the future. I am not afraid of being alone, now or for the rest of my life. (Even tho I have been accused of being afraid multiple times these last 3 years.) I can do alone. Simply? I just don't want to. But I also don't want to be where I am not wanted, where I don't belong. I think being alone would be better. 

Picture
Never has the old saying, "If it is to be, it is up to me", been more true than at this point in my life. 
I have been working on some things ... and will continue to do so. 
Thoughts and prayers are appreciated. 
Judgments and negative comments are not. 
Everyone has their opinion, I get that. 
But until you are actually living MY life? You don't have a say in how I live it.
I am not seeking sympathy (I know where to find it in the dictionary, thank you). 
I am not asking for someone to swoop in and rescue me. 
I am sharing my thoughts & struggles, because more and more I find ... it is a universal language that many widows and widowers speak. 

Picture
Sharing a few of these images from this week that really spoke to my heart, about my heart, and from my heart. 
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ? 

    You can read it here

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Past Posts

    January 2023
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    June 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    October 2010

    RSS Feed

    Picture
Website designed & developed by Margaret McCoy

​
God is God over the storms in my life & world -
and I am His.
Trusting in Him. Holding to His Promises as He holds me.

​
Learning to laugh, to love, & to live ... again - without Rick, but with God

Life goes on ... even when we don't want it to.

Great grief is indicative of a great Love.

Rick, my Sweetheart.
Margaret, his Beloved.
Always & Forever.
​
Picture
©Margaret McCoy, the Queen of Kamelot Coffee 
  • Coffee Love
  • My Profile
    • I Believe
    • Stories from the Mists
    • Stay the Course
    • Respect, Honor, Gratitude
    • Favorite Links
  • Scattered Feathers
    • When You Need the Music
    • Coffee Love Images
    • Take it to the Roots
    • Love Notes
  • My Recipe Book
    • Appetizers
    • Bread
    • Casseroles
    • Crockpot Love
    • Meats
    • Veggies
    • Desserts - oh my!
  • Junk Drawer
    • Worth Sharing
    • Helpful Hints
  • Contact Me