I have had several people tell me in these last 3 years especially, that I need to stop sharing the dark moments of this widow's walk. That no one wants to read about the long lonely nights, or the days where grief gut punches. That no one needs all that. That people need & want only the uplifting words, and pretty pictures, or funny memes. All the other "stuff" is too negative. (Yes, some of these that have said this, are widows/widowers themselves.) Since there is no manual that I have been able to locate on this life as a widow, and thinking perhaps others know better - I have tried to steer clear of sharing about the long and lonely nights, the tears that I cry, the battles I fight (sometimes winning, sometimes ... well, not winning). Lately I have been weighing everything I share and post against their words. However, I have been questioning all of this the last few days. Rick asked me to always be brutally honest, even if I wasn't comfortable in doing so. So, by not doing what I promised to him, am I betraying his trust in me? The struggle has been real and intense this week. Yet, what do I receive just 2 days ago, early in the morning? 2 messages from 2 different people miles and miles apart - Thanking me for sharing a post from 2018 about the dark moments, the long & lonely nights, the tears cried, the battles fought whether lost or won, this life of being a widow and wading thru the grief! Telling me how much that one post from February 2018 meant to them. How it gave words to their own hearts and thoughts. How it even explained to their own minds what this process is all about. How it blessed them, comforting them that they are not alone! Wow. Rick was right. (Just don't tell him! lol) I know he is smiling today. At least for that post, and the other ones before I allowed words of a few to taint my writings to many. Life is real. I am hurting & healing at the same time. So no longer will I hide the bad with only the good. That's not living, that's not sharing. And most important? That's not what I promised my dying husband that I would do. Just remember: When the heart and life stop going up and down, we are dead. My renewed commitment to writing: I bow my head, and my heart, to be who I am - - for YOU, God of angel armies - - in all of this. Be it good or bad ... or even just indifferent. God of angel armies, You are always by my side. You go before me, opening up the ways, opening doors that no one can close, closing the doors that I don’t even need to know are there! You go before me, and You beckon me to follow You, trust You. You stand beside me. Your hand gently guiding and firmly encouraging me to move forward. You are always having my back. Guarding me, protecting me - not only from falling, but from anyone coming up against me. Thank You God. I love You. Oh how I love You! I like sleeping with Graizie. She is my Russ cow. Some might think it silly, but she is a touchstone to Rick. I was remembering when he got her for me. We were at Promised Land dairy in Brenham TX. We stopped at the gift shop/office. I wanted to go in, he said we didn’t have time - he was just going to get the invoice signed and we had to get on the road. Hurt my feelings, but ok. So I sat in the truck and waited ... and waited. Thinking that it would not have taken me this long to just take a quick look around while he got the paper signed. Yes, I was pouting. It had been a difficult trip, and I was tired & grumpy. He opened the truck door, holding something behind his back. Smiled at me, and tenderly handed her to me. I squealed, and he smiled big. After that, she went with me every trip on the truck. Or every adventure we had. Graizie was a constant companion. She’s been in every home, and most ever car - since about 2001. I didn’t take her to KY with me, and I missed her every day, every night. She IS my touchstone with Rick. Even while he was alive, I would always give her a kiss on the head when I went by her. Holding her tenderly and lovingly. No one else has ever been allowed to play with her, not the kids nor the grandkids. And everyone knew why. Even more so now. Sleeping with her the last few nights has brought me great comfort and strength, also a calmness and peace. Silly perhaps, but one thing I have learned about grief - little if anything makes sense to us, let alone to those around us! We must do what brings us peace and any small measure of lasting comfort. She sits near me now, and she really seems more than a stuffed animal - I know it would be silly to anyone else ... but to me? This is a good thing. Thank you, Rick, for getting her for me. Thank you, Rick, for not letting me go into the gift shop that day so very long ago. Thank You, God - just for understanding how weird I am. ;) How many times have I cried out "Jesus, hold me now" since leaving Kentucky in November 2019? I have lost count. Jesus, Hold Me Now Living on my own, thinking for myself Castles in the sand, temporary wealth Now the walls are falling down Now the storms are closing in And here I am again Jesus, hold me now I need to feel You in this place To know You're by my side And hear Your voice tonight Jesus, hold me now I long for Your embrace I'm beat and broken down I can't find my way out Jesus, hold me now Curse this morning sun, drags me into one more day Of reaping what I've sown, living with my shame Welcome to my world, and the life that I have made One day you're a prince, and the next day you're a slave Jesus, hold me now I need to feel You in this place To know You're by my side And hear Your voice tonight Jesus, hold me now I long for Your embrace I'm beat and broken down I can't find my way out Jesus, hold me now Lord, I just looked up today And realized how far away I am from where You are I don't know what else to pray Broken at Your feet I lay The life I've torn apart Jesus, hold me now I need to feel You in this place To know You're by my side And hear Your voice tonight Jesus, hold me now I long for Your embrace I'm beat and broken down I can't find my way out Jesus, hold me now Jesus, hold me now Jesus, hold me now Jesus, hold me now Jesus, hold me now ~ ~ Casting Crowns ~ ~
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So why "Scattered Feathers" ? ? ?You can read it here Past Posts
April 2023
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